A Father’s Passing: One Year Later

It’s been a year now since my Baba departed this world into the next. Since his death, I wrote several blog posts about him or with significant mention of him:

Writing about my feelings over the past year has helped me. The simple act of getting what’s on the inside to the outside is helpful, of course. But more importantly, the comments I’ve received on my posts either directly on the blog or through discussions with family and friends has helped me learn that what I’m going through is normal. I had never really seen people in mourning. Mourning is such a private thing. Too many people don’t share it, including me. I share it through my writing. But I find it extremely difficult to share it by visibly displaying it. I suppose we don’t want to burden others with our pain. Or maybe we don’t want to appear weak. Or perhaps we know that life is already hard enough for everyone; we might as well deal with our own issues internally so others can get on with their own lives and issues.

Whatever the reason, we tend not to share our mourning with others. And the result for many of us is that we don’t understand the process and we find it difficult to deal with it. This is why I’m going to continue to write about this until I feel I don’t want to anymore. Many people have arrived at my blog by doing a simple Internet search using keywords such as “father”, “death”, “passing away”, etc. This means that there are people out there that need to understand their own mourning process through learning from the experiences of others. I know that I’ve learned much from my readers’ comments. I thank them dearly.

This past year has been very difficult for me. It doesn’t seem to be getting easier. I had expected it would. I thought time heals. It hasn’t; at least not yet. I remember my Baba all the time. Sometimes when I remember him it puts a big smile on my face. Most of the time it causes me to break down crying. I miss him more than I could ever describe. I’ve probably already said this in a previous post: it feels like I have a phantom limb. It feels like a part of me has been amputated but the rest of my body will not acknowledge its absence. I know he’s there. I just know it. But then I look for him and he’s gone. It’s a horrible horrible feeling. This feeling actually makes me feel thankful sometimes. I’m thankful that God knows my limits. Some people have to deal with the loss of more than one family member at the same time. I don’t want to imagine what that must be like. I am fortunate. God is teaching me about death slowly. I would not manage learning the lesson any other way.

I still dream about Baba. But they are more normal dreams as opposed to the dreams of burials that I had in the early days of his death. They are dreams of him still being in my life. He’s just there. And it’s nice to have him back that way. It’s a blessing.

I think the worst of it is when something triggers my memory of difficult times my father went through. This happened last night. A family event reminded me of an incident, several months before my father’s death, that caused him real heart break. He cried for days. My cousin called me while I was in the midst of an emotional breakdown remembering this. “Uncle Abbas is not worrying about these things now,” he told me. “He knows all the details about this incident now and more,” he continued. “And he could care less about them.”

My cousin was right. I know he’s right. This leads me now to understand that sometimes we continue to carry our loved ones’ pain with us even after it has gone away for them. Their pain is as alive in our hearts now as it was in their hearts then. It is for me, at least. I wish I knew how to release that pain. I don’t. This is a lesson I still need to learn.

My father’s death makes me think about my own death when the time comes and the effect it will have on my children. I want them to know how much I love them. I want them to know they are the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. If anyone ever tells them that I was angry at them for doing one thing or the other I swear to God I will  haunt that person forever. My children are and have always been perfect. My children need to know that they are free to do with my memory as they please. They can keep it to themselves or they can share it with the world. Their memories of me and their experiences with me are theirs to own and no one else’s. I continue to feel guilty that my father died in a hospital. He wanted to die in his own bed. We had no choice but to take him to the hospital. I know my Baba won’t be angry with us about that. But it still hurts me to think about it. It hurts me immensely. I want my children to know that whatever happens, there is nothing they can do that will make me angry with them (except the fact that they never clean their rooms anymore…that makes me angry!). I want them to live their lives to the fullest. I want them to know they can do whatever it is they want to do with their lives. If they need to be far away from me to do that, then so be it. If they don’t speak with me frequently because they are busy with their own personal stuff, it’s all right. I’ll be all dramatic about it. I know I will. I’ll throw temper tantrums when I don’t get a call once a week from each and every one of them. I promise. But all I really want is for them to be happy. I want them to know that I’m here for them whenever they need me. I had that with my Baba. I always knew I had that. He gave me my sense of security no matter how far away we were from each other. I was blessed.

Kids, when I die, bury me whatever way you see fit and wherever you think is most suitable. At this stage I have no after-death instructions. I may have figured it all out later in life. If not, just do what you think is best. I’ll be dead so it won’t really matter to me.  The only important after-death instruction from me is for you to be happy and to live your lives the way you want to. I’ll be happy no matter what you do as long as you do what you want to do.

A final note to the readers of my blog: my kids don’t read my blog as far as I’m aware. So when I die, can you please direct them here? 🙂



  1. Family is one of the most complicated bonds one could ever have, if anything happens to anyone out there in the world its Ok, its forgotten, it passes, but the bonds we have with our families make them part of us forever…

    Its Ok to mourn, its ok to feel pain, and cry and remember them, but its most important to realize that everything that happened the way it did happen was meant to be, you couldn’t have changed a thing, and you couldn’t have realized how to deal with things better back then, hold on to the memories, but hold on to the good ones more than the bad ones, the bad ones happened for a reason and that reason is over but the good ones are the ones you shared together happily and they are the ones to be cherished… Life is a phase, and that phase to your father is over, now is the phase to pray for him and thank him for all the good things he taught you, but the important thing is to feel the pain and learn to let it go slowly, and at the same time keep your focus elsewhere, the pain and memories are in one hand and the other hand is your life and how you shape it for you and for the people around you… Your father was your father, and always will be your father, make his memory a happy one, don’t make the thought of him make you sad, unhappy and miserable, try to make the pain and and grief smaller in face of the good things he taught you and the nice times you had together, so that in the future whenever you think of your father you think of those happy moments, not the time of grief that came afterwards… I know it might not seem easy, but try, how we think of things and how we prioritize thoughts in our heads defines everything, I have not been through this type of grief, but I’ve had many other forms of grief, and i have learnt that its important to feel grief and pain really feel it, but that its important to stay aware of our point of focus and lead it to the right direction…

  2. And that final note your wrote for your daughters, I believe that if your father had the chance he would have written the same for you, he would have told you the same exact words, because any parent or anyone who loves anyone in this world wants them to know its ok to let go and wants to be sure they will be happy and wants them to know that they only want whats best for them… Always remember that your father does really want you to be happy and that he does feel the same way you do towards your daughters… even if he never put it in words.

  3. Even I lost my fathers years ago, I was two years in that time. I never experienced your filling. I don’t have any memories with him to miss. I grow up without a need of a father. I didn’t realize the meaning of a childhood with a father. Tel I have my own children, I then found the meaning to have a father and also I found out how much my father lost not to experience my childhood. I admit, as I am a 45 now but as my children grow up, I found my self missing him a bit by bit.
    Now, by reading your post, I find that I missed that filling you have. May be I am lucky to have this gift from Allah. May be I am so fragile to stand this filling. I know it will be the hardest thing for me when I lose my mother. But I know, from my experience, life doesn’t stop and goes on.
    Thank you for sharing a filling I never had.

  4. I’ve been reading the comments to my posts on my father’s passing and they break my heart. I hope that the fact that we’ve all been able to share our grief together has been of some help. I know that it has helped me tremendously to know that what I feel seems to be what is normal to feel when someone so dear to ourselves is lost.

    I need to tell those of you who are just starting to go through this horrible grief that it does get better. The first year after my father’s passing was horrible. I won’t describe it all again. It is here for you to read. But once that first year passed things began to get a bit better. My father still appears to me in dreams. It is always a relief and a blessing to see him. I still cry over his loss but those tears come much less frequently. It’s easier for me to talk about all the good times and the funny things my father did without bursting out into tears. I’ve kept myself very busy to distract me from negative thoughts and feelings and it’s worked. I’ve focused on living my own life, which is here to be lived. There are SO many things I wish I could share with my Baba. Sometimes I’ll be doing something and instinctively think, “I can’t wait to tell Baba about this!” And then I’ll realize with a pang of intense sorrow that I can’t do that anymore. I then hope that maybe he knows or that hopefully I’ll have lots to tell him when we meet in the afterlife, God willing.

    I get through days and sometimes weeks doing very well and then I’ll recall something or something will happen and I fall into a few minutes of deep grief. I’ll cry and cry and cry saying like a child, “I want my Baba..I want my Baba…I want my Baba!” But once I get that intense emotion out of my system I’m back to being well again for another few days or weeks.

    Nothing will ever replace a loved one in our lives. The grief over their loss will remain a part of us forever. But I’m learning that this is part of what life is all about. It’s about gains/births and the happiness that comes with that and it’s about losses/deaths and the horrible pain that comes with those. We are made of happiness and pain, not one or the other. We would not feel such pain had we not had so much happiness with our loved ones. And we cannot appreciate true happiness if we have not been through pain and loss in our lives. It is all of that that makes us who we are.

    I’m grateful. I’m grateful I had so much love and happiness with my father. They are worth the pain I now feel.

    1. I know how yall feel my father passed at age 26 I broke down inside .it mad me sad I thought I would never move on I’m now 12 and I still have not moved on I always think about him if you go on the Internet type in stephen christopher crane groves texas pictures you will see what he looks like I feel sorry for yall and hope you move on

    2. I lost my dad 2 days ago and I am in so much pain. I appreciate your writings and sharing you’ve done. It’s helping me.

      1. Julie,

        I feel your pain. I lost my dad a few weeks ago to a heart attack. He was only 64 and I’m 41. I’m not only numb from my loss but I’m trying to be strong for my brothers and mom and it’s very difficult. My mom is completely out of it and has said numerous times she wishes she would die. I don’t know how to deal with her wanting that, then I just get angry with her. I just don’t know what to do.

  5. Thankyou for your blogs, I lost my father suddenly to a heart attack just over a year ago. He was a workaholic. He was driving to my nieces third birthday, he had her new bike wrapped in the back seat and was slumped at the wheel on the side of the road so nobody stopped driving past, he looked like he was on the phone. We were all waiting for him at the party and he didn’t show up or answer his phone, he had almost made it there, he was only minutes away from where we were, but mum found him when we went looking. I had a toddler and a 15 week old baby at the time, so I was very alone for the year after, my husband works away from home and my mum and sisters threw themselves into running his company although finacially they didn’t need to and I didn’t see or hear from them at all, they are not hands on at all with my kids, my kids barely know who they are although we live in a samll town together. I missed his funeral and the wake and cremation as my baby was in hospital. I have since felt very distant from my family, like I have lost them all, my older sister has taken over everything, financially decision wise etc and I have been very left out as I was so busy with babies. You mentioned it was like a limb missing, and its so true, I sunk into depression 6 months later, suicidal, overeating, constant crying and so much anger, my poor babies suffered terribly from my grief although I tried really hard to contain it, I had no one to help me cope and no onne knew how bad I was, I hid it from my husband too. It was then I realised it was sink or swim, my marriage was under pressure now and my husband is all I had left. I got up right then mid grieving got on my dusty exercycle cried and screamed and biked for 10 kms, took me an hour, everyday I did this and now I am the fittest and thinnest I have ever been, I lost 26 kgs in 6 months, my depression is gone, I feel normal and strong again.I am still angry and sad, but it is not overwhelming anymore, my whole outlook on life has changed, I am going to be the best I can be, and strive for happiness for my family. My biggest realistion is what its all about, its about spending time with those you love, not things and money etc, money is just to buy us more time thats all kids really want from us, not all the crap, thankyou for sharing and for letting me share my story

  6. Assalamalaikum / Hi Sister Nadia,

    I have been reading your articles or shall we say blogs you wrote about your late father. I am also going through this right now and its really hard to live in this way and knowing that the one who brought you up is not around you anymore. Its been 3 weeks now and i am still in shock that my father is not around. He was just 48 when he left us but you know what he is back to where he was came from. My father suffered a lot in his last two months. He had liver cancer and the pain was ridiculous. I will soon post the story how he and my family went through his last 2 months of life. Thanks for sharing your feelings.

  7. Your method of describing the whole thing in this article is in fact pleasant, every one be able to effortlessly be aware of it, Thanks a lot.

  8. I was trying to find a way to private email you but I will hope that you get this reply. I have a very similar story to yours regarding your father. My father died almost two years ago Nov. 2- He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and then passed away two weeks later. I was 42. I always was very close to my Dad and am still struggling with the grief. The past 2 months have been pretty rough and I’m not sure if it is because I have been off of work and have more time on my hands or if some of it is hormonal. I seem to cry all the time. Sometimes it is for a brief time only but it is everyday. I just purchased a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook because I know I am “stuck” and not sure how to work through these feelings of missing my father so much.
    Have you found any ways to cope that have helped you through?

    1. I can’t help to write you after I read your comments .I am going through exactly the same as you are. I tried everything , councilor ,pastor, friends , they seem to ease the pain a little bit, but afterwards ,it hurts again. I was so desperate one day, I went to see my family doctor get the prescription drug for depression , and I ended up in bed because of the side effect . I finally made a decision to go on a mini trip for three days, I wouldn’t say it turn everything upside down, but it gave a break. I was staying at home, my life is in a same cycle everyday , I always feel sad in the afternoon , it’s more like a biological alarm, goes off in the same time, so break up the routine , that’s whatIam trying to do.

  9. I lost my father almost a month ago. I’m 19,and I miss him so much! I want to see him one last time. I was away studying when he passed away. As my aunt and her husband drove me home,I had no idea. She said that she was going to take me to my father because she knew I missed him alot. I really wanted to hug him that day. I wanted him to tell me he loved me one last time. I wanted him to know how much I loved him and how much I felt blessed for being his daughter. I wanted him to hug me so tight in his arms as he used to do. The whole ride was terrible. I had a feeling that something was wrong. My father had been sick fo a year and a half by that time. I used to stay with him in the hospital. There were times when he couldn’t even speak or go to the bathroom by himself.My mother was always there for him, through better or worse. The night before his death, he called me and told me that he was proud of me and that he had faith in me.
    By the time I got to where my parents lived, my aunt told me that my father is a bit sick and that we’re going to the hospital,and so i put on my happy face because i didn’t want him to see me sad. I never wanted him to know how sad i felt when he goes to the hospital. I wanted him to feel that everything is okay and that i’m always there for him.
    Once we got inside the hospital, my uncle came to me and hugged me so tight and then started crying and walked away. At that time, I felt like the world crashed around me. My aunt did the same and then her husband took me in his arms and said”Allah yar7mou”(may he rest in peace). I started crying and i yelled “NO NO NO!!”.
    A friend of the family asked me to go see my father one last time before they took him. At first, I couldn’t.But then,he told me that if I didn’t i would regret it for the rest of my life,so i wiped my tears and i walked toward the room where he was laying. I saw my mother,my sister and my brother,but all i wanted to do at that time was to go to my father! I kissed his forehead and it was so cold. He looked so peaceful. It was just like he was asleep. His hear was brushed to the side and he had a smile on his face. He looked so handsome.
    The next day, they brought him to our home to “wash” him. It’s a thing muslims do. I sat and waited for him. I couldn’t feel or hear anything. But then someone came in and told my mom that he had arrived. I couldn’t help but cry. I didn’t want to cry and so I forced myself to stop.I got up and held my mother’s hand and told her that everything was going to be okay.
    We weren’t close to his side of the family because they weren’t good people and they didn’t love us. They only wanted his money. Even after he died,they cryied because they miss his money and they actually told my mom that. His own mother said that. She didn’t miss her son! She wanted his house and his cars.
    My father lost his father when he was 12 yo. He never talked about his feelings.
    I had never lost anyone before my father and I had never known what death was and how it felt like loosing someone you love so much.
    He was going to have a surgery to get better and to be okay. He would always say to me “Once i get better, I will have a big get-together and i will feed homeless people and i will go with my brother to el hajj” but his brother is such a horrible person. He was angry because he bought sement and bricks to build his grave.
    He loved life so much. He used to sing to us all the time. He used to make us laugh. He used to dance all the time.Everytime he hears music he would either sing along or get up and dance. He was a great person. Now i can’t sing or laugh or dance or do anything because it all reminds me of him and it makes me sad.
    I don’t know how to cope with this loss.
    I’m sorry if this is too long but i just wanted to get this off my chest. Thank you for your posts.

  10. I can’t tell you how glad I am that I found your blog. When I read about your father and how you felt about him, I feel like I’m reading about me and my Dad. I just lost him 6 days ago and the pain is unbearable. We are Egyptian too. I was born and raised mostly in the States. I’m 43 and have 2 kids who adored their Giddu. That is one of the things will miss the most… Seeing the joy on his face whenever he laid eyes on them. I am hurting pretty badly right now. It is a bit discouraging to read that a year later, it is not easier. I can’t imagine being in pain like this for the next year. Hopefully like you said, it will be shorter bouts of crying with the pain less intense. I don’t know how old this blog is, but I hope you will keep journaling here. Albaqa lilah

  11. I lost my dad nearly 2 years ago. I have found comfort in the fact that he had his fatal heart attack while dancing at a party with friends and family. He told my niece shortly before he collapsed that if he died that night…He would die happy. Unfortunately the words were prophetic.

    I miss dad every day. I wish he could be here to do all we did together. I wish we could be on the stream with our fly rods. I wish most he had more time with my son and got to see his rugby matches. I wish we had time together training my dog to bird hunt…dad always encouraged me to get a hunting dog since mom would not let him have one. I don’t think that will ever change.

    At the time of his death, my favorite band (Rush) had released a song called “The Garden.” I still cry every time the song plays on my mp3 player. I get hit every time the lyrics say “the measure of a life is a measure of love and respect, so hard to earn, so easy to burn.” This line reminds me always of how dad lived.

    Thanks for your blog.

  12. Hi,

    I am 26 and I lost my father a month ago. I am not sure how it feels or maybe I am not sure about how to describe the feeling. Just a whole lot of emptiness. Like an anchor is gone. When it gets dark, I feel I am so alone in this big wide world. Sometimes I see him on the road, or when a two wheeler honks, I feel its him. I keep looking at the door hoping he would return after some days. I do not cry that often. Its all bottled up by I cannot accept the fact that my father won’t be present to witness any important event in mine or my younger sibling’s life. Sometimes I am scared thinking I will forget his voice. Sometimes I grow silent thinking I will never get a call from his number.

    A part of me knows there are responsibilities and I being his project, needs to live a happy and successful life. But a large part of me just wants to go to him, wherever he is and sleep on his lap. What a peaceful thing and a beautiful gift that would be!

  13. I just read your post and it did give me some relief for the way I am feeling at the moment. I lost my father 10 days ago, this is still fresh. I cant explain how I feel, one moment I am ok, the next moment I cry, memories keep flooding back and I have this incredible pain in my heart at the moment. My father was a beautiful man with a heart of gold, this will take me a very long time and as the poster read I do feel like the umbilical cord has been cut. I pray that dad is ok and in heaven. will time heal?

    1. Has it gotten any better with time?
      It’s been 8 months since my father past. I’m dealing with a lot of guilt having lived so far away and not calling him more often. What I hope and pray for is that his beautiful soul is whole and in a place more incredible than this earth and of course that we can reunite again some day. Ah, such pain. Why didn’t anyone warn me of this pain? Even my own parents didn’t.

  14. I lost my Dad last week. He was 84 and I’m 62. I know in my head that he lived a full, productive life, but I have still lost my Daddy. I have been married for 43 years, raised two boys and have 5 beautiful grandchildren, but I have still lost my Daddy. I don’t pray to have him back…I know he is at peace…I pray for his strength to deal with my overwhelming sense of loss. I know that I have been so lucky to have him in my life for so long, but it’s still so hard to be without him. I will carry on for my family, but I have still lost my Daddy.

  15. I lost my father Dec 6 to a massive heart attack. He was 76 years old. I am 56 years old. He had decided to get healthy, lose weight, and had a knee replacement after not being able to walk for several of the last years. He had never taken care of himself and worked hard all his life. I was so hopeful for him. He was struggling with getting better following his surgery. Recovering didn’t come as easily as he had hoped. I watched him struggle and it broke my heart. He was gradually improving and I felt he was finally on his way to a better life, then suddenly and unexpectedly taken. Though I live very close with a brother and a sister close by, we were not a close family. My father was strict with us girls and not an affectionate man. I have struggled all my life to be close to him and make a connection. The week before he died we had a real conversation for the first time in my life. He had things he wanted to do yet. He told me that this was the first time in his life that he was up against something he couldn’t easily conquer but he was determined to get through it. I told him I loved him several times, something which was hard for him to hear and harder for him to respond to. He did tell me he loved me during that conversation, the first time I had heard those words from him. My parents were young when they had me and I am the oldest. I think he just never did understand how to be a Father and thought that providing us a good life was his job. I am angry. Angry that he is gone and I will never hear those words again or have the opportunity to say them again. I am angry that we were so close to connecting and it was taken from me. Angry that we have so many, many unresolved issues and questions that will never be solved or answered. My grief is unbearable. Why do I hurt so deeply for someone that I felt didn’t love from for so many years? Everything reminds me of him. I cry myself to sleep, see him at home dying, in the ER, remember his last breath. I am consumed with the pain, worried sick for my mother who will now face the rest of her life without him. They were never apart and married for 60 years. I don’t know where to turn or where to put this overwhelming sense of loss. I am a deeply religious person but just can’t find any peace right now. How long will the tears and this pain last?

    1. My father died of a massive heart attack on Dec. 15, 2014. I’m an only child and I’ve been terrified for my mother. She and my dad were married 40 years and did everything together. I have my own family too and it’s so hard to be present for them and constantly worried for my mother who is all alone. Its been 3 months and I still feel sick every time I think of my fathers death. I should have made him go to the hospital. He had an appointment with his cardiologist but died three days before. I knew he was sick and did nothing. I can’t stand knowing that and the fact that things are forever changed and will never be truly whole again. I try to be grateful for my family but it’s hard to when you feel there’s a huge void and that will never change. What’s more, when you did nothing to prevent it.

  16. I feel a little more normal after reading your blogs thank you. I lost my dad on the 1st November 2015 and my brother 18 days later. They both had cancer and from April 2015 till November when they passed was like being on a roller coaster I couldn’t get off. When they were sick in the end I just wanted them to go so that they wouldn’t suffer anymore. I think I was in shock, I certainly wasn’t prepared for the pain I feel now.

  17. My dad is dying as I write this…he is 86, I am 53. I took care of him the last years of his life, we got very close after a very hard relationship through most of our lives. Now he is going home. I will miss him and my heart is hurting. I am lost, what now?
    God dad I love you forever and this post will be out there forever…please read it when you get to the other side.
    You loving daughter

    1. I lost him today…29jul2015. My father….I love you forever till the end of time dad. Death can’t stop love…ever!
      Rest now dad….you are free and for that I am happy. You can see again, you can hear, you can dance. Tell mom I love her, we all love her.
      Your loving daughter,

  18. Thank you for taking the time to share your feelings and emotions. I am coping …or not…with the loss of first my mum, then my dad just 15 months later. Mum died in November 2012 just 17 days after her and dad celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. She looks so alive and happy on the photos taken that day. She wasnt in the best of health but at 82 was still completely switched on and involved with her large family of 6 children , many grandchildren and great grandchildren. She was taken ill two weeks after the party and one day i took dad and a sister to visit her in hospital, expecting to be told when she could go home. She was in pain and wasnt eating. But able to talk to us and ask about our families. Within an hour we were called into a meeting with doctors who said there was nothing to be done, mum wasnt responding to treatment and an operation was out of the question as her heart was too weak. We were stunned. Shocked. Dad returned to her bedside while my sister and i set about the task of phoning our four siblings. A HUGE family rift had come about a few weeks earlier which made this awful task even worse, By the time they were all informed and we joined dad in the ward, mum’s bed was being wheeled to a side room. I didnt speak to her ever again. By the time the nurses called us in, mum was heavily sedated and remained so until she passed, two days later. I sat with dad and family members for nearly all that time. Waiting for her to die. Watching my strong father fall apart, screaming She’s gone. I will never forget that awful time. So much went on around me but i couldn’t let the others see how i felt,
    There is a long long story that follows. I will write it down at some stage, it’s not for here But at the heart of it was trying to support my sister who not only just lost her mum, but her marriage had failed and her husband was in a relationship with our youngest sister, who we had both been very close to. Hence the family split. She couldn’t bear to be with dad too long as the other sister was his carer so often with him. I was lost and so scared of losing dad. The light had gone out of his life and he told me he wouldn’t seek to end his life, but was ready to die. I told him i wasn’t ready to let him go. We were in the car at the time, i was taking him to the hospital to visit my older brother, who was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer three months after mum’s passing. Dad reached over, squeezed my hand and simply told me i must let him go.
    There is so much grief, upset snd sorrow around every aspect of both mum and dad passing and i completely agree with what you say about keeping their pain after they have gone. I often cry thinking how awful dad’s final year was. There was one day that a few of us took him out for a meal. The sun was shining, children and grandchildren were around him and we had a lovely afternoon. Dad shared a bottle of wine with my next door neighbour,a jolly lady in her 70s who knew mum and dad, and it was what dad later described as A Perfect Day.I cling to that memory.
    There is so much that you write in your blogs that rings true with me. The memories of their beloved faces after death, the dreams where i wake crying, the feeling that this grief just isnt going away. It is all the same for me. My life has changed so much. I am now an adult orphan with no one to turn to. My husband isnt really supportive in emotional matters. His dad died a few years back but they hadnt spoken for
    years,his mum and dad being divorced about 40 years ago, and he wouldn’t go to the funeral.So he doesn’t understand and is impatient with my sorrow. So i hide it, crying alone.
    I had some Bereavement counselling over the phone, as my dr was worried about me ( i saw him regularly following injury and PTSD caused by a road traffic collision 9 months before mum died) It helped a little but ultimately i think i have to find my own way through. It’s just helpful to know there is someone out there who knows the pain of this loss and the hole it leaves. I often forget they are gone then remember and it’s like a body blow. Because we are adults and our parents were ‘getting on ‘ in years, it feels as if others think we ought to just get on with life. But it’s a struggle isnt it?
    I too have become very aware of my own mortality and turn 60 this year. My btother died just a few weeks after his 59th birthday, so i . like you, feel all sorts of emotions and wonder how fast the next 20 years will pass, if i am spared, as the past 20 have flown by, good and bad, I feel that the joy in my life is gone. I prefer to be alone and dont really look forward to much these days.
    i also pity my own children having to go through my passing. I wish i could take that from them.I find i cant enjoy family life freely, as if there is something there that tells me all this will bring so much sorrow when i am gone. I know it’s the fact that i loved and was loved by my parents so much that is making their loss so hard to bear, so perversely feel if i withdraw it will spare my children and grandchildren the grief of my loss. It doesn’t make sense, i lnow, and i am going to get some more counsellimg to try to help me out of this dark hole.
    Three things help me..the fact that i knew dad wanted to go…the photos taken on the perfect day and the fact that dad and mum left instructions for their funerals in their wills. You say your children can have whatever funersl they see fit, but the fact was in our broken family, the exact instructions dad left were a godsend. There were still disagreements that have left deep hurt, but the fundamentals were already set out, and the funeral prepaid.
    I hope that you will be ok Nadia ..I must stop writing now as my hsnds are aching but i do hope thst the knowledge of how your blog has helped me brings you some comfort, some recognition that your ability to share your own experience has helped me. It truly.is a case of baby steps and even though i dont know you, i feel a sense of being supported and, in return, wish to send you my own support and prayerd. God bless you and thsnk you.

  19. I am sixteen and my father was my best friend, he just recently returned home from being incarcerated for a year. He had a heart attack and died Thursday. I tried to give him cpr but it was too late. I held his hand and begged him to stay with us until the first responders took over. I haven’t slept nor have I stopped crying since it happened. I want to be able to feel like he is in a better place but I can’t bring myself to cope with it. I worry that I won’t be able to accept it.

  20. I lost my dad on March 18, just 2 weeks after my 36th birthday. He was 67. Everyday is hell for me,Ike I don’t know what to do with myself. There’s ascends of emptiness that is hard to describe. When I think about my dad, I cry, sob, scream, and feel completely and utterly helpless because i Know nothing in this world can bring him back. He suffered from advanced prosrate cancer diagnosed 3 yrs ago but kept it a secret from his children because he didn’t want us to worry. At that time I just gave birth to my first child and was consumed in my own little world. I have so much guilt that I can’t shake. I wish I knew and was there for him so he didn’t have to suffer alone. I wish I had spent more time with him. I wish I told him I love him more…
    i miss him so much that I’m no longer afraid of death because i Know there’s a slight chance that o might see him again, but I have 2 small children and a loving husband I know I can’t leave them all by themselves. Please tell me this pain gets better because i Hate this feeling.
    Thank you for your blog, just so I know I’m not alone.

    1. Hi Celia , I lost my dad a year ago. It does get better. One thing that brings me comfort is knowing he is no longer suffering. I had many dreams after he died and he came to me. Believe me there is am after life and u will see him again! I have no doubt.
      Hang in there. He would want u to be happy and live your life full of love and not regret.
      I hope this helps u..

  21. My father 18 months ago. His birthday will be August 31 and I have started grieving all over again. I am having the same symptoms I had after his death, crying spells and pouncing heart. The pain is intense.

  22. I lost my father 5 months ago I have never felt pain like it everyday I have tears, my children family and friends have seen it. I have been unable to hide or control it. My heart is truly broken. I haven’t had any signs I’m very spiritual and in tune and am beside myself that I don’t feel him with me. I haven’t dreamt about him I just carry the pain of how horrendous the last 4 months of his life truly was. I took time off work to be with him and be his carer since we found out he had a brain tumour. Like you my father wanted to be at home and 4 days before he passed we had him taken into a hospice 4 months caring had taken its toll on me and my family and I physically couldn’t lift him. I carry guilt that we chose to get him more comfortable in a hospice and if only I had let him stay at home. I will be forever grateful that my dad went in my arms and I was with him all the way through his illness from Xmas eve 2014 when we were given the horrendous news he had lung cancer in Feb 15 he had a lung removed. He recovered well and had a new lease of life! What s fool I was to think they had removed. Xmas day 2015 his memory wasn’t quite as it should be I got the doctor to visit early January she prescribed him antidepressants! I laughed my father had never been depressed in his life! I rang an ambulance the following day he was taken to hospital given s scan on Jan 19th after a very long wait we were given more devastating news he had a brain tumour it was secondary cancer! Why wasn’t we told following his lung op that it could come back as bone or brain cancer had we been informed we may have read the signals much sooner! I’m angry I’m upset my poor father! The worst part of all this was my father could hear and understand what I was saying to him the whole time however the brain tumour and pressure prevented him from speaking he couldn’t articulate what he wanted to say this element was heartbreaking for all anticipating every movement he made asking him a million questions of what he might want. He was the bravest most courageous man, he never once complained, his last breaths and the way he looked at me when he went will be with me forever. This is the hardest thing I e ever had to deal with in my life. I just want a sign from him so I know he’s ok 💙💙 💔💙💙

  23. My darling dad passed away 10 days ago and I find myself going through periods of feeling ok, to intensely sad moments. Even though he was diagnosed with prostate cancer 15 years ago his death was very sudden and unexpected. Our family are so blessed to have had him for as long as we did and we are relieved we did not have to make the hard decision of placing him in care which was coming as our mum who did everything for dad was beginning to struggle. Mum and dad shared a wonderful life together and our childhood was better then we could wish for. We are sad that we could not be with dad when he needed us most, during his last few hours, which the hospital denied us by not making us aware of him slipping away. In fact one doctor told my mother that many people do not want to know when the end is near for their loved one! What a rediculous and insensitive statement. I miss him terribly and talk to him everyday. He was a great man who loved his family more than anything in life. I just wish we could know that he is ok and we will meet again one day.

  24. Dad

    Thank you for sharing, Nadiae. I’m so sorry you lost your Baba. He sounds like a wonderful man who was greatly loved. I think the 1year later article you wrote was dated 2012, if so, I hope it has become easier to handle.

    I’ve recently lost my father due to long time respiratory illness complications. It’s the 24th of March today, he passed the 24th of January as I held his hand while we listened to salsa music on my phone that was resting on his shoulder.

    I have been to one counseling session 2 weeks afterwards through my company (6 free visits), but lost my job (suddenly fired for the first time in my 46 years) one week later.

    My father and I were close. He would tell the story about how he “Delivered her with my own two hands! She looked like a leetle sausage!” In his thick Cuban accent. And about how I “imprinted” on him like a baby bird because he was the first person who held me and looked in my eyes. But as you said, I still had no idea the waves of pain, the longing to have him back, how all things remind me of him.

    So tonight, it occurred to me, I don’t believe I will EVER be loved by anyone as much as he loved me. I certainly believe my mother loves me fiercely as I love her. My little sister is very close with her, they live together, they maybe have a different connection, relate more, just as I feel I’m more like my dad in a lot of ways, I was HIS “baby” (my sister and I have different fathers). But in personal relationships, I now wonder am I doomed to be disappointed with never achieving a love as worthy as he felt I deserved? Ugh…

    So, I just wanted to thank you for helping to validate the thoughts and feelings I was having. I googled “grief daughter losing father” because I too have lost grandparents and an uncle, but this is a much worse trip than expected. I fear I will always hate the 24th of each month and that I will sob every time a great Celia Cruz song plays.

    Since I must find ways of counseling myself, I think you’re right about just writing it out. Your stories have inspired me to start a personal word document diary in hopes of it helping me to heal.

    A friend attended a funeral a few days after my dad passed, and she said the pastor said that, “Grief is the privilege we receive for loving someone so much.” I like keeping that in mind. I was so fortunate to be his daughter.

    Thanks again,


  25. My Daddy left this world one month ago on June 6th, 2017. I can barely write those words, or the date. He was 71 and his heart was bad. These past two years were rough, his heart got worse, he was in and out the hospital. He had a built in defibrillator. Like a idiot i thought that would save him every time. Im so mad. Im so sad. I cant explain. I want Daddy back. So much i need to say.
    Life has gone on for my friends and family, and my brother. Nobody wants to cry or talk. They tell me he is in no more pain. Let him rest in peace. Is something wrong with me. Im still in horrific pain. I still cant even believe that i cant ever see him, or kiss and hug him, ever again.
    My sadness goes to all who have loss. Thank you for this site.

  26. It is a week tonight since my beloved papa was taken from us , my mother and I had nursed him non stop for months but he had declined in the last two weeks as a nurse I had set up his end of life care so he had no pain , I spent the days feeding him ice cream , hugging him kissing him and talking , my mama next to him and his cat snuggled on his lap . As the nights grew harder and I had to have the palliative nurses out twice in every night , I would sit with my chair next to him with my legs against his , I would sing and talk and never leave him , then the next night night out of the blue I became seriously ill and was diagnosed with sepsis I prayed he would wait for me , I was helpless and in intensive care he passed away peacefully with my brother ( who never nursed him) and my husband drove to the hospital to tell me , I had been dreaming of papa and he was with my little dog who had died ,they looked so well and were smiling at me , I have never felt so lost and broken but must take care of my beloved mummy who was with him since she was 16 , I lived all my 47years with my parents and my children and husband alongside , now the house has lost its master and I have lost my best friend in this life , I was his baby girl and he was 53 when I was born he always told me never to cry for him as his life was long and rich , but I cannot see a way out of this darkness , I will never get over that he did not die with me when I loved him so desperately . Rosina emerald

  27. Valentine’s day was 5 year mark of my daddy passing. I still burst into tears when I try to talk about him.

  28. I miss my dad so much. He died October 11 2018. I was there for the 3 days he was in hospice. By his side every minute talking to him and taking him to the river as I expressed it. Gut wrenching hard to see him die. Hard to forget. He’s gone. I have no signs or dreams to comfort me. I’m not sure I’ll see him again ever. He seems just gone. I have thought of the afterlife as something close on the other side that we just can’t quite understand. I’d love to have a family reunion in the afterworld when I go there but is that really going to happen? I hope so but just sad and missing my dad. He was everything to me. Hard for me because I’m missing my rock that was the internal force of support and love of who I am. He was my guardian and caretaker and the one who knew me and gave unconditional selfless pure love. There’s nothing else like that. Just feeling grief all over again a year later.

  29. I lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer. My fear is with every day, I move farther away from the day I could hear his voice.

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