We buried my beautiful father today. He was and always will be the love of my life.
By the grace of God, all four of his children were with him to say goodbye.
Along the years, I’ve learned there is no such thing as a perfect parent. My Baba was neither a perfect man nor a perfect parent. No one is. But in my heart, I’ve always seen him as perfect even though in my mind I was aware of his imperfections.
My father was my one constant. I was always certain that there was this one person in my life who would do absolutely anything for me. He took care of me and my brothers and sister till his last breath. When we were university students, my father would come from Saudi Arabia where he worked to visit me and my brother in Egypt for a few days every few months and cook lots and lots of food that would go into the deep freezer. He absolutely refused to allow me to learn to cook so I could focus on nothing but my studies. As an adult, if I stayed at his house for a few days, he still washed my clothes. Which reminds me of the day some years ago when he picked up one my of very old bras in the laundry and called out, “Whose dead mouse is this??” At my despicable age, my sister and I would still run to our Baba when we had a disagreement: “Baba, Aisha did such and such!” He’d give a deep sigh, gently close his eyes, and listen to our complaints, muttering under his breath, “Mafeesh fayda [there’s no hope].”
When I was a little girl, I’d walk behind my father to place my feet in his footsteps thinking that maybe that way I’d grow up to be like him. I think that’s how I got my hard headedness “دماغي الجزمة”.
My Baba was a very passionate man.
His first and foremost passion was his children. He wanted us to be the best we could ever be. He pushed us to study hard. I remember getting a B on an exam in the 6th grade and getting a long talk from Baba. “You are so much better than a B,” he told me. He explained that I should give my all to whatever I do. Baba is behind my constant strive for perfectionism – that thing that drives most of my co-workers nuts.
My Baba could be one very scary dude at times. He literally made grown men cry as my sister will confirm. When my sister and I reached a marriageable age, we started getting suitors, as one does in Egypt. My father was a suitor interrogator. No one – really…no one – was good enough for his daughters. One day I asked my Baba why he said no to every young man who asked for my hand in marriage. He told me, “You are not going to get married until you finish your studies and graduate from college.” I asked him why he was even accepting suitors into our house in that case. “I’m scanning the market so I know what to expect when you do graduate,” he laughed, quite irritatingly I might add.
And that doesn’t even describe the half of how scary my Baba could be. Just as a simple example, Baba was driving in Cairo one day with my sister and brother in the car. Probably moving too slowly, he angered the driver of one of those menacing red public busses we have in the city. As he passed by my Baba’s car, the driver yelled out some obscenity to my father referring to his long beard. Baba got out of the car, opened the trunk, took out the crow bar, and rushed to the bus driver’s door to beat the shit out of him. Evidently and luckily for that driver, people held my father back and he was unable to achieve his goal. Anyone who has seen me get out of my own car in a storm of road rage will now know where that comes from.
My Baba worked very hard to give off that scary persona. He was quite proud of it. But my brothers and sister and I and people who knew him could easily see behind that scary exterior. My Baba was actually a very mushy, loving, and kind man. He had a growl that made me run when I was young. But as I grew just a bit older, I saw through him and would only laugh and roll my eyes saying, “Baba!” I tried using that growl on my own children sometimes. I get the same rolling of the eyes and “Mama!”
Baba was extremely passionate about chemistry. Research and teaching were not a job to him. They were so much more. His students were almost as important to him as his children. I’ve been with him so many times going through an airport or walking on the street and a young man or woman would come up to him to kiss him on the hand or give him a hug. After a short, loving conversation, my father would tell me that was one of his students.
My father was also picked up like that on the street in Egypt and in Saudi Arabia by complete strangers. My Baba did not only look scary. He also gave off an air of … let’s say sainthood or holiness, بركة baraka in Arabic. And my father really knew how to work it! This baraka quite frequently worked to our advantage. Baba would get special VIP treatment because of it sometimes. More importantly, it got me and my sister more suitors. One night, my sister and I – many years after we both married – were in Mecca with my father doing a small pilgrimage umrah. We stepped onto the bus to head off to our car after we were done but my father was held back by someone on the street. When he eventually boarded the bus I asked him who that was. He told me it was a man – a complete stranger – who was asking if he could have the hand of one of his daughters in marriage. My sister and I spent many a night arguing about which of us that man was actually targeting. My Baba’s only statement to these arguments was that the man targeted him and not us. He just wanted to be related to my Baba and his baraka. I cannot tell you how many times along the years I heard that. My Baba adored being adored.
My Baba was one of the greatest storytellers alive. One of my favorite things about Baba was that he’d forget (or feign to forget) that he told us one story from his past or another and tell it to us all over again. Many times. For years. I loved that because it meant that I could hear him tell the story again. The stories we heard most were from his childhood. But he also loved to tell a good dirty joke. My father had a favorite joke that involved shit. And anytime he could make a play on words and come out with the Arabic word for fart, he’d do so. Baba would also say “and as the saying goes” a lot. But there was never a real saying to follow that. He’d just say another normal sentence. And we’d all laugh and say “Baba! That’s not a saying!” And he’d innocently look at us with a “huh?” expression on his face. I loved listening to my Baba speak.
My Baba was a great patriot. He loved Egypt. He loved Egypt so much that even though he married an American woman (my mother) and lived in the United States for some 25 years, he never applied for American citizenship. My father had problems with the Egyptian government for years at the time of President Gamal Abdel-Nasser. While studying for his PhD in the United States, he made a political statement that resulted in an order from the Egyptian government to return immediately. Had he done this, he would have been thrown in jail. So he was forced to remain in the United States for many years, unable to go home. The easiest thing in the world would have been for him to become American. He never did. He would never be anything but an Egyptian, he’d tell us.
My Baba raised us in the United States but fed us an unsurpassable love for Egypt. He eventually brought us to Egypt where my brothers and sister and I all went to university. He’d continue to work, however, in Saudi Arabia for the rest of his life. My Baba loved Egypt, but found living in it extremely difficult. He never ceased to complain about the stifling political environment, the corruption, the chaos, the filth. My Baba was a very ill man in his final few years. But when the revolution of January 25, 2011 erupted, he was given a new breath of life. My sister and I were his only two children in the country at the time. And we were women. But every morning he’d send us both out to Tahrir along with our girlfriends telling us to go topple that dictator, fully aware of the danger involved. I’d come home every evening to tell him about the gun fire, the tear gas, the deaths. He was proud. And he’d just push us on. On the day of the infamous Battle of the Camels, he sat at home watching the atrocities happening on TV. He called me on my cell phone as I stood on top of a tank at the front lines to make sure I was all right. I told him I was fine and explained the scenes in front of me. He told me to take care of myself. And that was that. I walked into the house that night, exhausted. My father was sitting in his favorite lazy boy chair watching the news on TV. I looked him in the eye, shook my head, and he smiled with a twinkle in his eye. One day, he decided he wanted to visit Tahrir. He could barely walk but nevertheless he did the rounds in Tahrir and thanked every soldier, doctor and revolutionary he could for bringing change to Egypt. He kissed some of their hands to honor them. He eventually sat down on his small folding stool while people gathered around him to listen to the stories of the man of baraka. My father told stories of Egypt’s greatness. He urged the young men and women listening to him to continue their struggle for freedom. My father lived to witness that. Alhamdulillah. Thanks to Allah.
Baba, I’ll miss your hugs. I’ll miss you being the last person I call from the plane as I go somewhere in the world and the first person I call when I return – just as the plane lands on the tarmac. I’ll miss you being the one person that calls me while I’m away to make sure I’m all right. I’ll miss you giving me twenty Egyptian Pounds that you find lying around somewhere so I can get myself something. I’ll miss your smile, your deep belly laugh, the twinkle in your eyes, and how you roll your eyes in exasperation at us. I’ll miss your complaining. I loved your complaining. It was never from the heart and we all knew it. I’ll miss seeing your eyes light up every time one of your grand children walked into the house. Oh how you loved your grand children and how they love you. I’ll miss your stories. I’ll miss your tears.
I haven’t lost my father. I will miss him more than any words can describe. But he is a part of me. I can feel him in me. He has left me with the one love I could always depend on. I will cherish that forever.
I love you, Baba. Be at peace now.
that was so so so so so touching. inna lillah wa inna ilayhir raji’oun. may Allah grant him the highest level of Jannah.
تغمده الله بواسع رحمتك و أسكنه فسيح جناته
إنا لله و إنا إليه راجعون
Dear Nadia, these are moving words Allah give u strength in these times.
Oh my God… you cannot imagine how you cried my heart out!
How lucky it is for the people who knew him closely, although it seems he’s still living in and through you and Aisha as far as we know you and still get to know you more and more throughout the years. Rest assure he’s so proud of you all, and so blessed that god granted him the gift of your union and presence during his burial on such a holy day and after such a holy month and an immense & eventful year. He will still live on and on through you Insha2Allah. We are what we make of ourselves I know and to an extent you take most of ur gracious natures and habits from a loving parent.
My deepest condolences to you, to Aisha and ur brothers. And be sure of God’s mercy… see how we earthly creatures are that compassionate with only 1% of his mercy on earth and the whole universe, the other 99% is waiting for us in heaven Insha2Allah. Longing and nostalgia is hard, but God’s unimaginable and unlimited mercy is our consolation. May we all unite with him in heaven as life is such a short journey. I love you Nadia El-Awady.
البقا والدوام لله وحده i am sure he is equallu proud of you.
البقاء لله و تغمده الله برحمته
الله يرحمه و يغفر له و يسكنه جنته
البركة فيكم نادية، البقاء لله
انا لله وانا اليه راجعون
أعظم الله أجرك ،وأحسن عزاءك وغفر لوالدك, و جزاه الله خير الجزاء
My Dear Nadia,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and images of your loving Father. I feel that I could be having a cup of coffee with him and enjoy every minute of it.
I can relate to his Warrior qualities in the service of the planet to make this a better place for all of us. I just love the phrase, “Suitor interrogator.”
Thank you once again,
Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un
Your article made me cry as your Baba had many attributes of my “Daddy” who died in 1998. It’s been 13 years and I miss him more every day…he’s always with me…
الله يرحمه رحمة واسعة ويغفر له ويسكنه الجنة
وجعتي قلبي يا نادية
و يخلي لك كل حاجة حلوة علمها لك أو صنعها فيكي
Thinking of you at this time and thank you for sharing your father with us. Take care, peace and love, Rosemary from Qatar
Nadia.. This is simply beautiful.. really. Bless you. Your father must have been so proud of you.. his passionate daughter who could tackle any challenge with a lovely smile!
Sending you a virtual hug and hope that time eases the pain of loss.
Dear Nadia, I am very sorry for you. On the occasion of the Egyptian Revolution I got to “know” your Baba through your chronicles from Tahrir Square, and it was obvious he was a wonderful person. He is no longer physically with you and your family, but surely he will accompany always you. Your touching tale reminded me of my father, who died at 92 in 2005, and was also a very special person. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Mercè
والدك رحمه الله كان أستاذي في جامعة الملك عبدالعزيز
كنت آخر طالب ماجستير معه وكنت اتمنى أن انهل من علمه في الدكتوراة
لكن مرضه لم يحقق لي هذه الأمنية
كان من خيرة من قابلت في حياتي العلمية
كان علم يمشي على الأرض
وكان خلق ينبض بالحياه
وكان والد عظيم لم يبخل علي بنصائحه
لم أعلم بخبر وفاته الا اليوم
فرحمه الله رحمه واسعة
وأسكنه فسيح جناته
وألهمكم الصبر والسلوان على مصابكم
أشد ما يؤلمني
أنني تذكرته يوم العيد وهممت بالاتصال به هاتفيا
لكن أنشغلت بشاغل أخر ونسيت
رحمه الله رحمة واسعة
وجازاه الله خيرا على ما قدم وترك من علم
انا لله وإنا إليه راجعون
يااااه يا نبيل. طلاب بابا هم اخواتنا. كانوا فعلا بالنسبة لبابا ما يفرقوش عن ولاده من لحمه ودمه. بابا باقي فيكم بعلمه الذي نقله إليكم. بارك الله فيك
So touching post ya Dr. في الجنة ونعيمها إن شاء الله
عزائى لك فى والدك فعلا إن تجربة فقدان الوالد قاسية ولكن مع كل تجربة تمر بنا نصقل كما تصقل المعادن وتتسع أعيننا مد الافق لنبصر حقيقة الكون الفسيح وحقيقة الحياة والموت فتدور أفكارنا فى ثلاث محاور المحور الاول ماذا نستطيع أن نقدم لمن فقدنا من الاحباء ولنشعر أننا نسعدهم كما كانوا يسعدوننا وكلنا نعرف أجابة ذلك من الاهتمام بأنفسنا وفعل ما كانوا يحبون أن نفعله والابن الصالح الذى يدعو لوالده والصدقة الجارية أماهم فقد قدموا العلم النافع وأفضوا الى ما قدموا من عمل …….. المحور الثانى أننا نشعر بالإشتياق اليهم وضمهم لناوالحديث معهم وقدقال تعالى (والذين امنوا واتبعتهم ذريتهم بإيمان الحقنا بهم ذريتهم وما ألتناهم من عملهم من شئ) المحور الثالث الوجل والخوف من الموت السؤال الذى يتردد فى انفسنا فى هذه اللحظة ماذا لوكنت انا ماذا لو كانت المنحة الدراسية اأقصد المنحة الدنيوية من الله لى انا قد انتهت والاجابة وانا فى نفس الموقف عند وفاة والدى وجدها فى أية تتردد فى نفسى دائما وقد ذكرت فى القران فى موضعين سورة الانعام والزمر وما ادراك ما الجمال فى سورة الزمر قال تعالى (وما قدروا الله حق قدره والارض جميعا قبضته يوم القيامة والسموات مطويات بيمينه سبحانه وتعالى عما يشركون) تشعرك هذه الاية أن ماحصلت من أمر الارض والسماء وما فقدت فيهم من حبيب اوغالى من الانفس أو الاشياء فلا بد أن يتبلور الأمر كله فى كل دقائق فكرك وعقلك وفى كل ذرات كيانك ونفسك إلى أن تقدر الله حق قدره…فكل من وكل ما مطويات بيمينه
When I looked at the picture before reading this piece, my first thought was “he looks like our dear Abouna.” Baraka indeed.
What a great gift to have even one parent like that. Yet I see his qualities shining through in you and your children will one day speak of their mother in a similar way.
May God give you peace as you mourn. May you find comfort in your wonderful memories.
the one on the left is my friend Anas 🙂
I think that your father did not die because whow knows you be sure that he is not leaving us he is always with you
may he rest in peace Nadia
may he rest in peace
What a beautiful and loving tribute to your father.. You’re a devoted daughter because he was a devoted father, one who deserves to be mourned out of love not out of duty. He raised you well Masha Allah and I’m sure he was immensely proud of you. الله يرحمه ويغفر له ويجعل قبره روضة من رياض الجنة، ويصبرك على فراقه آمين
الله يرحمه ويحسن اليه انا كنت سبحان الله افكر اني اعمله افطار صائم في المسجد النبوي خلال رمضان هذا العام فقد كان من اكثر الناس حبا للمدينة المنورة ابكيتيني يا اختي بهذا المقال وهذه الصورة
الله يرحمة رحمة واسعة وان شاء الله ادعيله في الروضة الشريفة اذا نزلت المدينة وان شاء الله اعملة عمرة في رمضان هذا العام
My sincerest condolences
أسكنه الله فسيح جناته ، و ألحقنا به على الخير إن شاء الله
لا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله … الليلة رأيته رحمه الله في منامي ، وكان مبتسماً كعادته معنا في الجامعة قبل أكثر من 23 عاماً. بعد قيامي من النوم فتحت الانترنت لأبحث عن مكانه او صفحته على الفيس بوك ، لكنني اكتشفت وفاته … خسارة والله ، هذا الرجل كان أكثر من إنسان ، كنا جميعاً نراه ملاكاً آدمياً. كان رحمه الله غزير العلم في كل شيئ ، وبز أقرانه. كنت دائماً أستغرب من رجل مثله وبعلمه ومكانته العالمية في الكيمياء ويترك أمريكا ليعمل في السعودية!!!! لكنني كنت متأكد انه قام بهذا من أجل هدف أعظم وغاية أنبل .. كانت عائلته هي ذلك الشيئ المهم في حياته .. رحمه الله
سبحان الله يا أخ معن. الوالد توفى الله يرحمه في نهاية رمضان من سنتين فاتوا. يعني زي دلوقت كده بالزبط. ويطلع لك في الحلم مبتسم وتجد تدوينتي حتى تبلغني. سبحان الله. أسعد الله قلبك وبارك الله فيك. ورحم الله والدي – أفضل وأحسن وأحن وأجمل وأكرم أب في الدنيا كلها.
I just lost my baba too. And i was having a restless night so I googled and I found your blog but didn’t realize your heritage until you said baba. And an overwhelming comfort came over me because I think my baba was trying to tell me he is ok through your blog. Our fathers are very similar and we share many of the same stories and smiles and twinkles and humor. Thank you for writing this. It has encouraged me to write my own. All the best.
This is so touching and beautiful and.. celebratory in a sense of your dad’s legacy. May our loved ones rest in peace. Your post reminded me of a poem I wrote my own father’s passing. It’s nice to remember the departed in a happy up-beat fashion. Have a read http://nourathinks.blogspot.com/2012/08/i-wanna-be-like-my-daddy.html
I read all your writings and along the way made me cry. It’s like more of the things you were writing there are my emotions too. I lost my father for just more than a month now and the pain really keeps on coming back. Just like you, I remember him everyday and haven’t thought it could be as painful as this is now that he’s gone . Having so much regret that I wasn’t able to be with him most of the time for three years added to my pain. Now I understand that I’m not the only one feeling this way too. Thank you for those writings you have shared. It help me a lot to realize that yes time may sometimes really not heal the wounds that fast. Maybe it will take years and years to forget the pain and just cherished the memories he left behind. It will still be a long way to go. It just felt so good to read something like this with so much love you have for your father the same way that I do with mine. I hope you keep on writing still for it is an inspiration for someone like me who spend my days missing my father so much.
My father only have a few days left to live. I am devastated I feel like I am going to die of pain, I cant breath I cant realise that I will never see my father smile at me again or hug me or touch my hair. I just want to die with him I cant