The contradictions within me

What is it about human beings and all our contradictions? 

I’ve been feeling a bit mellow the past few days. A bit itchy. Yes. Mellow AND itchy. I feel down. I don’t want to do anything. But I’m really really itching for an adventure.

Just now, after flicking through my Facebook feed, I thought, “All I want to do is to go somewhere where I can completely distance myself from other human beings.” Yet only 30 minutes earlier I told my husband, “I need to get out and go somewhere where there are other human beings.”

Yesterday I was watching Come Dine With Me on TV. One of the contestants lived in a beautiful old home in the English countryside. She had her own lake in her back garden. So I thought, “I’d love to have a grand old house in the English countryside with my own lake.” The reality is that when my husband and I got serious about buying a larger home, I ended up feeling completely overwhelmed, I couldn’t find anything that lived up to the much smaller house we currently have, and I was the one who decided that we’re fine just where we are. So it was mission abort.

I love beautiful things. I love walking through the shops and looking at all the wondrous things that have been created by my fellow man. Then I look at the price tag and realize there was no way on earth I’d be willing to spend that kind of money on something no matter how nice it was. 

I’ll tell myself that I wish I was the kind of woman who dressed up and looked nice all the time. But I am completely unwilling to spend the money or the time needed to do that. I will not spend half an hour in the morning putting on makeup and straightening or curling my hair. NO WAY ON EARTH. And even though I do have some nice clothes and shoes, the reality is that all I ever wear is the clothes that will keep me warm (or cool depending on where I am) and comfortable.

I love how pretty high heels look. But I’m not going to kill my feet by wearing them.

I want to have friends and family in my life. But I need my space and I don’t want anyone interfering in my business.

I want to work because I need to have a sense of purpose. I’d need to work even if I was the richest person in the world. When I don’t have work, I go crazy with angst and boredom. When I do have work I go crazy with angst and boredom and all I want is to be a princess, living in a beautiful castle with people who cook, clean and wash for me. I want to be in the position where I’d never have to work again.

At this very minute, all I can think about is the need to get away. I need to go somewhere exotic. I need to do something new and adventurous. Yet, I remember very clearly that when I was doing exactly that, cycling on my own across Europe, one of the huge lessons I decided I had learned was that all I really want is to be at home with my family doing the little things.

The contradictions go deeper than all that. But that is for another post.

We’re not all alike. There must be some people out there who are completely content with what they have when they have it. Maybe the world needs all those different types of people. Maybe the world needs my type, the restless type, because it’s the restlessness that makes us push the envelope a bit.

I write that – push the envelope – and all I can think is that I haven’t pushed a single envelope. I haven’t done ANYTHING. Why do they even call it “pushing the envelope”? That’s stupid! And if I’m not pushing envelopes, what’s the use of ending up with this restless personality??

But I also know that I’ve done quite a lot in my life. I’m proud of the things I’ve done.

But I want to do so much more.

And since my current situation is that I’m sitting at home, comfortable, on a couch, with a laptop on my lap, all I really want is to go on a grand adventure for weeks on end and then go home at the end of it to my big castle with its Olympic-sized swimming pool and a lake in its back yard. But it must come with a cleaner. There is no way I’m cleaning a castle. And I’ll need to have my whole extended family and all my friends come live with me. I am not living in that huge thing all on my own with my husband. But they’d better give me my space or we’ll all just end up hating each other.

Arrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!