Nadia’s overdramatized “official” version of her 50km bike ride today:
Black clouds loomed overhead and the weather forecast said to expect rain. Yet Super Nadia valiantly threw caution to the wind, got into her cycling gear, and headed off with a huge smile on her face. “Rain?” she said to herself. “RAIN, THEY SAY?? WHAT IS RAIN?? IT’S LITTLE DROPS OF WATER, THAT’S WHAT IT IS! SUPER NADIA DOES NOT FEAR A LITTLE BIT OF RAIN.” (Super Nadia tends to talk to herself in capitals quite often).
Super Nadia set off, pumping her legs at supersonic speed – one of her many super powers. Crosswinds threatened to tumble her off her bike. Headwinds did everything they could to push her back to where she came from. Super Nadia wondered, “Why does it never seem like there are any tailwinds?” Regardless, she held a steady, supersonic pace and fought through the winds.
Rain fell in bucket-loads from the sky. Super Nadia barely even noticed it. She pumped her legs up one looming mountain after the other. Super Nadia was wetter from sweat than she was from the pouring rain. She discovered she was able to produce an endless supply of nasal discharge while cycling. “This must be another one of my super powers,” she thought. She rushed carefree over roads, the surfaces of which were glistening with a wet, slippery gleam. As she bent over the side of her moving bike to exhale the snot collecting in her nostrils, she realized the roads must be shining because of the snot she discharged on them during last week’s ride.
Up and down, up and down, she continued, making it home in half the time she took on her previous ride. “Either you double your performance each time you go out, or it’s not a performance at all,” Super Nadia nodded to herself as she sauntered into the house triumphantly.
Nadia woke up and looked out the window. Ugh. The weather is as bad as the forecast predicted, she said
to herself. Resolute about her training and post-injury rehabilitation, she told herself “What has to be done will be done.”
Nadia sat in front of her computer very early in the morning and worked until she finished today’s most important tasks. She got up, got dressed in warm cycling clothes, brought out the bike, and started cycling.
Slowly, she pushed herself up the first hill. The whole area is one hill after the other but it always seems she’s going up. Crosswinds gave her a slight nudge a few times, making her worried that she might get thrown off the bike and get run over by a car. But she held on and willed herself to be heavier to provide more stability. Headwinds made the cycling tougher. “Why are there never any tailwinds?” she thought to herself.
Light rain droplets touched her skin, giving her a fresh respite from the heat her face was emitting. Endless quantities of nasal discharge seemed to collect in her nostrils. “Wouldn’t it be cool if researchers could find that my nasal discharge had healing properties? I could then produce endless quantities of it for the good of mankind!” Nadia thought to herself. She cautiously slowed down as she cycled over the shiny roads, wet from rain drizzle and in parts mucky from horseshit. “There’s no need to kill yourself,” she thought, and agreed with her own sentiment.
As she cycled down hills, she decided they put the fear of God in her and she much preferred cycling uphill. When she cycled up hills, she prayed for a descent to relieve her legs if even for a few seconds.
Nadia wanted to get a better time on today’s cycle than last week’s time. So she stopped to eat a date and drink some water only once and made it quick. She ate her second date while waiting in a stoplight and drank more water later while she was on the move.
As she was nearing the end of her route, Nadia got a horrible stomach cramp. The combination of a very sweaty shirt and a cool breeze against her trunk on the downhills must be giving her a cramp, she thought. “We’re almost there,” she told herself. (Nadia always talks to herself in the plural). “Just keep pushing. You can push through the stomach pain. Throw up when you get home if you have to,” she told herselves. Nadia didn’t throw up when she got home, but she was dead tired. She cycled 47.2km and she found out that she was almost a whole 1km/hour faster this week than last week. She felt extremely proud of herself. She showered, got into her pyjamas and robe, wrapped herself in a fleece blanket, and sat on the couch, probably never to get up again.