Toilet Contemplations

The events in the following timeline all take place while Nadia is sitting on the toilet. 

Day 1: “Huh. There’s a bit of red-colored scum behind the shower drain.”

Day 2: Nadia is playing solitaire on her phone. Something red catches her eye. She looks up then looks back down at her phone. She is THE QUEEN OF SOLITAIRE.

Day 3: Nadia forgets her phone and this might take awhile. She doesn’t have much to do. She looks around. She sees the patch of red scum behind the shower drain. She briefly wonders what scum is, why this particular scum is red in color, and how it has managed to grow in a period of two days.

Day 4: “I should probably clean that scum.”

Day 5: “You know, I would clean that scum but I really have too much work right now. I have deadlines. Life is all about setting your priorities straight.”

Day 6: “That is so weird. It looks like a tail. I wonder how long it would take before it encircled the entire drain.”

Day 7: “Sheesh. There’s dust on the bathroom floor. This is ridiculous.”

Day 8: “Why does the dust collect in that particular corner just behind the bathroom door? I’ll bet air currents are generated as the door opens and shuts, sucking in all the dust on the bathroom floor. I’m so smart. I should have been a scientist.”

Day 9: “It’s not just dust, is it? There’s hair. I’m shedding hair. I’m worse than a cat.”

Day 10: “That’s IT! They aren’t going to go away on their own!”

Nadia gets angry enough to clean the tray of the shower stall. FUCK YOU, red scum!

Nadia goes down stairs and starts to get some work done. But she is distracted. She can’t keep the dust pile behind the bathroom door out of her head. Eventually, she goes upstairs to do her second morning poop, the BIG one. The earlier one was the result of eating too many muffins the night before. She sees the dust pile.

Nadia decides to clean the shower stall glass.

She then cleans the bathroom sink.

“I have too much work to do. That’s enough for now.”

Nadia spends three hours basically doing nothing because she’s too distracted. She does the shopping, puts the bags on the kitchen floor, and then suddenly:

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Why are there pebbles on the living room carpet?? SOMEONE is walking into the house with their shoes on!”

(N.B.: There are only two people currently living in this house. Nadia will NEVER admit to wearing her shoes in the house. So there’s only one person left who must shoulder the blame.)

Nadia goes upstairs to her bedroom to hang up her sweater.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! This bedroom is FILTHY!”

She runs downstairs, grabs the vacuum cleaner and a cloth, and runs back upstairs.

Lots of scrubbing ensues. The room gets vacuumed. Lots of hair collects in the bristles of the vacuum cleaner.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! The windows! Look at the streaks on the windows!”

Nadia cleans the windows.

She then cleans the other bedrooms and vacuums the bathroom floor. Bye bye dust pile!

Then the stairs get vacuumed, her office gets cleaned and vacuumed, windows in the house get cleaned, wall skirtings get wiped, the stairs are vacuumed, and then the pebbles in the living room are sucked up.

-Heavy panting-

Nadia notices the living room windows she just cleaned are dirty on the outside of the house.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! There’s dirt everywhere!”

Nadia puts on her shoes and goes outside to clean the windows from the outside.

She goes back inside.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Why’s there bike stuff lying in a corner in the hallway??”

Nadia puts said bike stuff away.

The sun sets. Dinner does not get made. But, as Nadia stands in the middle of her living room and looks around she feels pleased and proud.

Her husband gets home.


Nadia’s husband teeters backwards, not knowing what hit him.

Happy and feeling accomplished, Nadia swaggers into the kitchen to throw something together for dinner.

She opens the refrigerator. The glass shelves aren’t shiny.




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