A Daughter Losing Her Father: Six Months Later

This blog post is not about me being morbid nor is it about me feeling sorry for myself. Over the past six months since my father died, I received a few comments on the two posts I made about my father’s passing. These were mainly comments from other women who experienced something similar and who were wondering how other women were dealing with it. More importantly, I noticed on my blog statistics page that almost every day people were using search engines with key words like “losing a father” and “daughter losing father” and thus getting referred to my blog.

Losing a parent is one of the most difficult things in the world and people want to know how to deal with it. It’s strange that I have seen family and friends lose parents but haven’t heard much from them about what it’s been like.

When my grandparents died, I knew it was hard for my father. He had a very strong connection to both of them. He’d talk about them and tell us his childhood memories of them. But I never saw him cry or exhibit pain over their loss. I assumed that because they were elderly when they died, losing them was just a part of growing older and that people had it in them to deal with that.

Two of my best friends lost parents as well. They both seemed very strong in dealing with it. I never heard anything from them about the difficulties they faced dealing with the loss. Again, the impression I got was that it was a normal phase of life that we go through and we’re built to deal with it.

I’m learning it’s not as easy as people make it seem to be. It doesn’t matter how old you or your parents are when they die, their passing is one of the most difficult things in the world to deal with. And it seems that it doesn’t matter what culture you come from, people tend to hold in their emotions while in front of others. People seem to think that they need to be strong for others. I know I’ve done this. I don’t want my own children to know I’m in pain over the loss of their grandfather. I don’t think they’ve seen me cry over his loss. If they are around and my father is brought up, I’ll put on a strong face, and even a smile, and talk about him lovingly. But then I may need to rush to the bathroom to let go of the tears in private.

So does it get any easier six months on? Not really. Not for me. I had a couple of good months where I felt the pain was easing. Most significantly, I stopped thinking of my father as often as the dead man lying on the hospital bed all covered in white. That phase was one of the most difficult. Perhaps one or two months after his death I started getting the more normal images of my father when I thought of him: my father lying on his bed in his bedroom telling me stories, my father sitting in his favorite lazy-boy chair watching TV, my father telling one of his dirty jokes and laughing his great belly laugh. Although the weeping hadn’t stopped, it became less frequent and less intense.

But it seems that I’m going through another phase of intensity again. It started a few weeks ago and it’s getting worse. Almost everything reminds me of my Baba. I think a lot in my head and somehow most of my thought processes end up leading me to my father even when they start out having nothing to do with him at all. And the minute the thought of him comes into my head that’s it. The intense weeping starts and I can’t help but call out, “Baba Baba Baba!” It’s worse in the mornings while I’m driving to work. But it can happen almost anytime. When I’m sad about something I remember my Baba because he’s the person I’d always go to for advice or consoling. When I’m happy about something I remember my Baba because he was always the first – and sometime only – person I really wanted to share my good news with. When I’m just normal I remember my Baba because it would have been nice to stop by his house for a few minutes on my way home to say hello or even to phone him up.

The dreams have been intense as well. I dream about him a lot. In all the dreams I can remember, he’s in the grave. Sometimes he’s awake in his grave and I feel relief that his death was just a big mix-up. It never really happened. Other times it’s as if he wants to tell me he’s all right. The most interesting dream I had was of visiting my father inside his grave. His grave was a large room. I went inside and there were young men wearing white cloth, somewhat similar to what pilgrim men wear in hajj, cleaning the grave. My father had been removed to a shelf above his spot in the grave so the spot could be cleaned. He was wrapped in a white blanket and part of his face was showing. He was resting peacefully. On another shelf in the same grave room was another man wrapped in white with part of his face showing, also resting peacefully. He looked like he was in his 40s. He had a close-shaven beard and his head didn’t have much hair. He was handsome. That man, I knew somehow, was the Prophet Muhammed peace be upon him. In the same dream but in another instance, my father was standing in his grave with his arms open for me. He had a huge smile on his face. He was happy and he wanted me to know that.

It must be important for our subconscious mind to convince itself that our loved ones are in a better place. This must be part of the healing process. I wake up from these dreams missing my father terribly but feeling happy for him. It does help to see him in my dreams.

I wish people shared more the things they go through when they experience happy and difficult times. I think that’s why I was such a big Oprah fan. Oprah and her guests broke down barriers by talking about feelings. By listening to what other women went through and being able to relate to it no matter how far away I was and how different my culture was made me feel normal. So many things we go through are just a normal part of this journey and sharing those things and having people share them with you helps you along the way.

Losing my father when I was at the ripe age of 42 was one of the most difficult things I’ve had to deal with.  Being able to share with you all has made it just a tiny bit easier. I hope someone out there finds solace in relating to my experiences.

 

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306 comments

  1. although i lost my father since i was 26 years old , that is from 18 years, i couldn’t forget him , i remember him on my daily basis…. i think it will be less intense in following years for you, but it will be worse when you have bad event or difficult situation, i always feels cold when i remember him dead …. alone , afraid, many unexplained feelings…. losing a parent will always be a difficult event that we will never pass it

    1. My father passed away on 1/3 of this year. I can completely understand the pain you went through, losing my father when I am only 28 years old has broken my heart a thousand times over. He died abruptly, unexpected and I pray not in pain but unless someone has been through it, no one will ever understand. I am hoping over time it does become easier, but it is still a battle I am dealing with. It is extremely comforting to see others going through somewhat the same situation. I just wish I could get a sign from him or a dream that would show he is around and he is doing well. I have begged for that more times than I care to admit to, without any response. I am hoping time helps heal my broken heart.

      1. I lost my father Feb 12, 2013. Tues will be a month. I have good days & bad days. I was all he had. He was disabled and in a wheelchair for the past 18 yrs. My father was my hero. I love him so much and everything reminds me of him. I still cant believe he is gone. I am in agony everyday and I feel like no one knows how I feel. Hospice calls me once a week to see how im doing and it feels good when I talk to them but when
        I hang up I feel so terrible and so sad. I just want him back. He was the ol

      2. I lost my father on 1/5 of this year to suicide. This week has been the worst for me so far. I have cried most of the day everyday for the last 4 days. I don’t know how to move on, continue living my life. Everywhere I go, every thought or dream somehow reverts back to my dad. Reading these blogs I don’t feel so alone in my thoughts. I don’t feel like I can talk to my mother or my brother because i don’t want to upset them. Just trying to get through day by day in hope that it will get better after time.

      3. My Dad died on Monday (11/3). He was the best Dad he could be to us, my rock, suddenly gone and he was healthy and fit. I am really hoping that I can get through this, feeling like I cannot remember his voice. I have been given some books to read about life at the other side and to learn what signs to look for which could be my Dad. I cannot explain the pain and it’s a million times worse that I ever thought it would be. I just want to talk to him :( x

      4. I am so saddened by your story Mallory.. I am just 26 years old and lost my father December 27th/12 so stumbling across your story made my heart break. My story is similar to yours as my dad passed very suddenly. He was admitted into the hospital on 12/3/12 and diagnosed with Amyloidosis about a week before his passing. I can’t imagine how it was for you and your family… all I can say to you is I feel all that you are going through as a young woman who lost their father way too soon! Of course losing a parent at any age is difficult to say the least but at such a young age it affects you that much more. I will miss many father/daughter moments that my friends will have and it is so hard for me to relate to them right now, which feels unfair to bring up but it is true. I have drawn away from many people… I am going through a lot and will be for the next year i’m sure… I can say that days maybe easier than others, but that is it! I feel lucky the days I am strong and can stomach my ‘old’ everyday life/routine. But without him… it is extremely difficult. My dad and I were best friends. Since I was very young we would go cruising in his truck and we would share stories and laugh… a very special relationship we shared for 23.5 years and the only Dad I truly loved as my own.. My dad always protected me from my bio-Dad. I could always turn to him whenever for whatever I needed! And in the last few years of his life.. I was his primary care-giver whether he thought he needed one or not!! I was there for him everyday whether he needed an ear or a shoulder I was there for him! Having such a strong bond with someone hurts immensely but it is that strong bond you shared that will allow you to feel him around you, supporting you along the way… watching and guiding you along.

        I know you said you wish you could dream of your father… I have had a few dreams… some good some horrific to wake up from… but he is there and a message is sent along the way. You can believe it is your sub-conscience breaking down the emotional barriers and thoughts you can’t seem to process nor work through, or believe that is your Dad wanting you to hold your head high as he walks beside you. If your unable to dream of him yet, it will come. During the day, when things get tough breathe deep to release anxiety from your belly.. it is the only thing that helps me get through … I’ve even resorted to finding an area where I can bust out some hardcore crunches.. this has gotten me through when things become too much to stomach. May seem odd, but sometimes I’d do anything just to feel something aside from grief stricken.

      5. Thank you so much for this sharing. I have been truly gifted to have my father for 59 years but it is still too little. I too am unable to dream about him. My mother who was married to him for 60 years dreams of him every night but I never have. I still find it difficult to face the fact of his death and even though I visit my mother almost every day and he is not there, it is as if Daddy’s death is unreal, as if he is away for a while, not forever in this life.

      6. It will be 2 years this April and I pray for the same thing… I’m sorry for your loss and I honestly understand your pain.. Somedays are harder than others but I find myself so angry at him for leaving without saying goodbye….

      7. my father passed away 26 February 2013 – I am the only daughter and miss him terribly, we would have our daddy daughter dates on a Friday I would ring him and we would talk for ages, tell jokes and generally talk about anything
        My mother is struggling and very lonely, my parents were married 55 years.
        It was special when he died staring into her eyes with all of us around him. My mother still feels guilty as she didnt realise how sick he was, I dont think he did either.
        I am so pleased I am not alone in the feelings I have, its hard to keep them to myself so thank you all for your stories .

      8. Mallory I can sooooo relate to this. I lost my dad, tomorrow will be a month. Mine too died suddenly at the young age of 63. I am 38. I have had complete out loud wailings everyday and each day I beg for a sign or dream, anything to feel he is still with me. So far nothing. I pray you find your sign of comfort soon

      9. Hi Mallory reading about your story and everyone’s story has made me cry and realize I am not the only one. My dad passed a couple of months ago and I cry everyday. I feel so alone and lost. I am only 30 years old and I feel we had so much more to do together . My dad is my world he was all I had and I really dont know what to do. I have been depressed for months and the anger and pain in my heart wont go away. I never saw this coming we were just on the phone and two days laters I find you dead on the floor. He had just went to the doctor and was doing fine , he was about to start back going to the YMCA again .Even after all these months it doesnt feel real. I feel cheated , mad ,sad and heart broken all the time. My dad meant everything to me I loved him more than life its self . I try to pray and go to church, but when I get there I get angry and cry. Me and my dad are two peas in a pod we understand each other and took care of each other. I want to see him and talk to him. I just wait on him to come back to me or give me a sign something. I just want my dad and i dont know what to do and nobody understands how I feel my heart , soul and spirit is broken

      10. I recently lost my dad and I too wish he would let me know that he is ok and in a better place. I cannot comprehend how I will never hug him again or speak to him again so I try to comfort myself that the rainbows and stars are him and that he is saying that he is ok. It does not always work but sometimes it is better than nothing. It will be three months tomorrow and it feels like forever, yet I can remember the day he died as if it was yesterday. I still feel that one day he will be home, even though I know this is not true, I cannot bear the thought of him never ever being there. I can only hope that one day I will meet him again and that he remains safe until then.

      11. I came across this while looking for quotes about fathers and daughters. August 28th will be 6 years since my dad passed suddenly when i was 27. My father was my life. So far i can say it never gets easy, but its gets easier, with a lot of awfu, times a long the way. A friend said to me the day of his funeral, there will always be a ho,e in your heart, but over time you will start to build a fence around it through living the great and happy life he wanted for you. I still hurts that he is not here everyday, but you will learn how to deal, then how to be the person and do the things he knew you could.

      12. Hey dana im going through the same thing my dad died suddenly as well . One day we are on the phone and 3 days days later gone,and i just turned 31 and I am broken my dad is life and it still doesn’t feel real to me. I cry everyday and ask hom to come back to me. I never though he would leave me right now he is my everything I love him more than life itself . He is not just my dad he is my best friend. I dont know how to exist in a world where he doesn’t. The pain and hurt I feel is so unbearable. I just want a sign of some sort an angel or something. I feel that I dont want to be in this world without him. I understand death and have had people in my family die before but this feels different I can’t understand this. Why would god take my person he was all I had.its so many people who don’t care about there dad or have a relationship with him, but me he is my world .I know that is not right to feel like that and it may be selfish. I know im no better than anyone else but this is not right.i feel like my inside have been ripped out.

      13. Every day will be different. Time heals all wounds. I lost my prescious daddy at 27 years. He was my hero, my idol, just the ultimate in my eyes a true warrior. Each day has its ups and downs. 9/11 is going to be a whole year and I’m honestly not too sure how to process it. What I do know both your dad and my dad would both want us to do, regardless of time; is to live rich happy full lives. That means living each day to its fullest no matter what is thrown our way. I so know your pain. I want you to know there is laughter in the tears and smiles within the sorrow. Xoxo holly

      14. Mallory, I know just how you are feeling. It is like a wound that just wont heal! I lost my Dad unexpectedly on May 20th 2012 he passed away in his sleep and I was the one who found him.It has just about destroyed me,not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. My Dad and I were extremely close I seen him everyday and picked him up 3 to 4 times a week for breakfast and shopping. The night before he passed away he called me to say good night for a second time which I will never forget, it is like he almost knew something?? A month prior to his passing I had a dream of my mother who was killed by a drunk driver on May 21 1982 in all the years that my Mom has been gone I never had a dream where I could see her face, I could hear her in my dreams but she was always walking away and waving?? On April 19th 2013 I had a dream that she was sitting on a beautiful bench,she had on a white halter dress that was blowing in the wind and there was just a big beautiful tree with all fall colored leaves on it and leaves scattered all over the ground and she had the most glorious smile and was young. I said to her Mom how I wish you were here today life would be so much easier for you and her response to me was ” I am ok Pat please just take care of your Dad and tell him I will be waiting on the bench for him” I woke up and had the chills, the hair on the back of my neck was standing up and I felt like she was in my bedroom with me! The next day I told my Dad about the dream it brought tears to his eyes. The Friday before my Dad passed I took him to lunch and he said to me I can’t get that dream out of my head and on Sunday morning I found him dead. I believe 100 percent my Mom was letting me know that he was going home to her after 30 years, almost to the day of him suffering everyday without her he never remarried or even dated after losing her and he was only 42 ! I pray every night to dream about him Mallory but as of yet I have not :( I do feel him all around me though and for some strange reason when I close my eyes I see his hands??? I pray you get the signs you so very much need and I am sure in time you will,The day my Dad was called home half of me left with him, I am so very lost in this crazy world without him……

      15. I can relate to you Mallory and Patty on the sudden passing of your Fathers. Daddy had gotten a clean bill of health from his doctor one week before he suddenly fell dead in the yard on August 10, 2012. Mom had gone to be with the Lord on August 28, 2009 and I was finally getting kind of use to her being gone, she had been sick and suffered “a Lot”, that hurt and I knew she was now in divine health. Daddy was at my house for dinner on Sunday and I was at his house on Wednesday. I noticed in my rear view mirror that he watched me out of sight that day and it made me feel really good. He was just so joyful when I talked to him on Thursday. I send a helium ballon to Heaven for every holiday to my Mom. On Thursday morning, there was a blue helium balloon in the shape of a star in my yard and it was there on Thursday afternoon when I got home too. I stood in the door and watched as cars passed, the balloon floated up and down the street and always ended back in my yard. My grandson even mentioned it when he went out the door on Friday morning. Mom was trying to tell me she was coming to get Daddy. I can still remember the words of my sister when she called to say Daddy collapsed and EMS are trying to bring him around. When I saw my Daddy lying in that ER, I lost a part of me. It has been a year and I still think of him daily, I cry a lot and I go to the cemetery a lot and talk to them both. The night after his funeral, My daughter and I were sitting on my bed crying and suddenly the lamp went out. I reached over and turned it back on and my daughter said, Granddaddy is just letting us know he’s alright. My aunt shared that one of her lamps went out shortly thereafter and she had to turn it back on. That is confirmation for me…but I want more. I know that I will see Mom and Daddy again because they’re both Christians, but I would give so much for one word, or hug from them. It hasn’t gotten easier so fair, but maybe it will one day. Until then I will continue to believe they are guardian angels looking down on me to direct me as needed and I’ll keep them and those precious memories of them in my heart. By the way, that blue helium balloon was gone from my yard on Friday night after Daddy went home to be with the Lord and I haven’t seen it since.

      16. I am 29 and I lost my father June 7, five days before my undergrad graduation in a horrible accident and I as well hope he did not suffer. It’s been 6 months and at this moment I am crying like a baby missing him because I too wish for a sign that he is still with me. It’s Christmas time and it breaks my heart knowing I will have to spend it without him. I just thought I would share my story because reading yours made me feel slightly better knowing that I am not alone in this at this age, this year and under similar circumstances.

    2. I lost my dad on (May 6, 2010) and i was 10, Evan now more that ever every thought bring me back to him and i start crying like a two year old. I’ve been trying to find differnt way to cope but over the years it just seems to be getting way wrose and so far i could totally relate and some i too feel it was one of the diffcult thing i have ever been through! and trying to help my younger sister by pretend it doesn’t hurt , and telling her it would be ok now is just coming back to haunt me cuz i really should’ve delt with the pain awhile ago.

      1. Your comment really hit me. I lost my grandpa 3 years ago (March 2010) when I was 16 years old. My grandparents raised me from a very young age and my grandpa was always my dad figure. I helped my grandma (his wife) grieve from the time of his death. I never coped/greived with his death. Now it’s coming back in rushes just like you. Everything reminds me of hiIm.dep depressed, can’t stop tearing up at just the thought that he’s actually gone. I’m sorry you couldn’t grieve properly because you had to care for other family members grief but know you’re not alone. I’m in the exact same boat and I hope it starts getting better for both of us.

    3. I lost my papa this morning (12.10.13). It is so hard for me. I am living in Australia. I wont be able to be with my family during the wake. Though i went home to see papa when he was still in the ICU. It was my third time seeing him this year.i do not have any annual leave left, so i have no choice but to stay here while my family and relatives gather. My papa is in the coffin now, with his new clothes and he looks really good, as my mom said.

      Anyhow, i dont know how i will be able to cope. I have been crying since i found out about the news. I lost interest on anything at the moment. Everytime i think of him, i started crying. I miss my papa. I wont be able to see him again. My holiday will not be the same anymore without him. I go home to see my family once a year and spend my whole time with them. I love my papa so much.

      I want to feel my dad’s presence now and i am hoping to see him in my dreams at least to tell me that he is in better place now. I want to know that he’s happier now. Please pray for my papa’s soul.

    4. i lost my father on 13th feb 2014… a week before my final exams … its very hard to forget him even though im busy writing exams since a month and just got into a relationship with a guy i love but still his memories are there with me … i cant imagine that i lost my dad ..This pain is just too real and not anyone can understand untill n unless they have gone through the same tragedy …. the fact tat i cant have him again i cant feel his touch ….kills me inside…. at times when his memories come in front of me i dont let myself think about him n get busy but then a time comes that i dont wana push away my thoughts ….I cant love anyone in my life more then i loved him … he was my life he was my eevrything … i was very attached to him but God took him away ….I can never delete his memories even though if i wana to live in peace… i lost him i lost myself…. I love you dad<3

      1. Hi. I saw your comment and my father passed away 2-27-14. I don’t know anyone else in my situation and I was wondering how you are doing and holding up if you don’t mind me asking.

  2. I am going through exactly the same thing. I lost my father 2 1/2 years ago. I remember him when I am purposefully thinking about him and then there are those moments when I see or hear something that makes me remember him. The tribute to Glen Campbell at the Grammy Awards the other night is an example. My father loved Glen Campbell, and could remember him whistling to the songs when Glen Campbell sang. I went to bed crying myself to sleep that night. My biggest comfort is that he died in my mother’s arms and he was looking at her and she got to tell him she loved him the moment before he took his last breath. She is stronger today because of that. Today she turns 80!

  3. Here’s some of what I wrote on my blog after I lost my mother. I’m sure you’ll relate to it:

    “Loss terrifies us. It’s hard to imagine it no matter how much we try. It makes us feel vulnerable the minute we start thinking about it. We tend to think with the givens of the present, and loss just doesn’t seem to fit anywhere. It is as if it would bring an end to everything, like an edge to the familiar beyond which lies only darkness and nothingness.

    But when loss actually hits you suddenly feel blank. Sometimes at a moment like this you lose your ability to act. It’s like falling down an abyss at uncontrollable speed. You see nothing around you and you have no idea where you are headed. You just know you’re falling, and your entire world appears to be shutting down. Everything crashes into nothingness.

    The worst question I think any person can ask themselves in a moment like this is what now? What next? You don’t even have the tools that can help you think properly of any future. The concept of a future becomes so alien and scary.

    But when the days go by the dark slowly begins to lift and you see some faint light that helps you understand your surroundings. You start coping with the new reality of this empty hole you feel in your chest. Everything that reminds you of what you lost makes the hole even bigger, and there’s no healing here. You just learn to live with it.”

      1. It’s been a little over a year & 1/2 for me since my Dad passed. The 2nd Christmas. I can still hear him talking to me, hugging me, and feel him with me. We walked everyday together for over 5 years, miss that. I think -I will always miss it. He was my life for 8 years during his illness of Parkinson’s Disease and Dementia, with me as his caregiver. Words cannot express what we went thru together and yet after all that hardship I just want him back. I didn’t have any hope for my own life in that terrible dark period, but after a year and a 1/2 I feel it coming back. He would not want me to live the rest of my life on purgatory. He loved me and loved life, I need to cherish his memory but move on with my adventure remembering that he is in me, part of my every decision, and what he taught me is precious. There’s a time to grieve, but after that there is still life.

  4. dear nadia,
    I was pleased to see u at yosry fodas program ,i am very sad to hear about ankle abbas iam trying to contact u ,plz. send me ur e.mail.
    sally emara

    1. Dear Sally,

      I sent you a message to the email address you submitted with your comment. Please confirm receipt.

      Nadia

  5. Hi Nadia,
    My father is terminally ill and will be placed on sedatives by hospice tomorrow. I am struggling. I am grieving. I am broken. I cant wrap my brain around the fact that I cant hear his voice anymore. The other day I was frantic just searching through old videos and voice mails trying to hold onto something from him. I came across an old photograph with his handwriting on the back. I t was profound for me.He had a stroke 2 year sago, and slowly we have lost him . So I have grieved all this time although he was alive. But the finality of it coming up is killing me. I will cry for him forever.
    Thank you for your blog.

  6. Today I revisited your blog and I know why! I was curious about how you were getting on since I last read your post about the headscarf!
    And the reason I am curious is not because I know you, or because your decision would have mattered, but because I am genuinely interested in how you were getting on with your search. Out of passion about any God related matter, reading how other people think and analyse is a challenge that I often enjoy yet other times avoid…depending on my mental status :)
    First let me send you my condolences for the loss of your father. I always used to say that we tend to take things for granted until we are slapped on the face to suddenly wake up.
    Hence I understand your following post about how to find God.
    Sadly, comments have been closed (I realise it’s a sensitive matter) however I had the urge to comment..
    And I can only tell u a few things that you might find helpful:
    1. We all feel content and happy with our routine practices thoughtlessly until something dazzles us and puts these practices to the test. It may be a conflict, a major event, death, divorce or any kind of trauma. It is only then that we strive for change, for another purpose or a way out. And that either brings us closer or further away from God, it all depends on our own human nature and how we grief or deal with things. Some people are liberated when they forget about anything and do as they please, others can only feel at peace when they do what they feel is sensible.
    2. Nobody can tell you how to find your way to God (especially if you are not willing to read ;) this will remain an internal need and every individual finds his own way about it. But I can tell u this: if you really want to find your way to God you will do anything you need to get there, even if it meant reading while you’re not fond of it! If you feel that you don’t want to begin, then maybe you don’t want to begin yet? Just maybe? Maybe you don’t need to be dealing with too many issues at the same time…
    3. God didn’t make anything difficult or not clear. In fact He always brought people from amongst us to teach and guide. And the books that you may not understand are not meant to torture us or make things difficult, it is rather meant to be a proof in itself that it is beyond the human capability. If God is a major major power beyond us, we can’t expect His message to be weak or slang or replaceable. He sent the message that would prove Him to us, and sent people along to guide us (messengers).
    If a non Arabic speaker can go through the effort to learn and recite and understand the Quoran (and many do) then I can’t see why you or any average person would find it that difficult of a message.
    As Maurice Bucaille described: he could not find any logical explanation to the Quoran, which he believes cannot have been written by a human being. Then maybe that is the whole point behind the sophistication…
    4.when you decide you really want to search into this, take yourself easy. Try starting slowly from ‘is there a God?’ moving on to what that God may have planned for us. Remember by logic, if God is there He would want to tell people, all people, one correct message! He would not want to confuse people, or send contradicting messages or wrong information.
    So if there is one God there must be one message!
    Then faith in it’s simplest form is to believe in the existence of God and the purpose of this life and the afterlife. Once/if you reach that point you can then analyse different faiths to find out where that one right message is or has gone. You will be amazed about the resemblance between the basics of most faiths, And it will become clearer what to accept and what to decline. If you tgen find the right path, that you will be able to accept the most as your guide. With no more doubt because you will take it while you’re trusting thsat God wants the best for us and want to guide us not to restrict our freedom.
    If you don’t like reading and have time on your hands, maybe collecting first hand information from specialised people about their faith would be a temporary alternative.
    Good luck, and I’m sorry if I have invaded your space inspire of closing the commments door ;)

  7. My father was also died a few days from now, it was the most tragic moment that ever happen in my entire life and until now i still cant accept the fact that he’s actually gone but somehow i realized everything happens for a reason and i know he is in a better place right now. He is actually one of my big reason why i am pushing myself to work so hard so atleast i can also provide him something that he didn’t have before because of us ( his Family.. his Legacy.. ) because i know sometimes he put his family first above everything else and also i know how he and my mother work hard so they they can raised us as good as we are right now.. But the worst thing above all this is i never had the chance to see him for the very last time because i was working here Abroad. My company didn’t allowed me to go back in my hometown because of some bullsh*t reasons.

    There’s no such Word that can defined how Great he is as a Father to us. I love him so much though i never had the chance to tell him how very important he is in my life. I will surely miss him in every single day, in every hour, in every minute and in every second of my life and i am so so so so Blessed to have him as my father and be one of his what he called ” Son”…..

  8. I a 59 years old and I lost my father last month. I am still in shock. Though intellectually, I had expected this for a while now emotionally I was just not ready for it. My father was a wonderful man who lived a full life. I am so sad at times but at others I am full of smiles when I think about him. Having seven siblings and my mother still there helps because we all talk a lot. My parents celebrated their 60th anniversary in December so it is very hard on my mother as well but she is very brave.
    I wish they could have lived forever. Reading/hearing about other persons experience helps. Before this I too thought that is was just a normal part of life. But even at 60, I need my daddy.

  9. I agree, people don’t talk about death and dying the way I at least need them to. I know all people grieve differently but I need to talk. My father was diagnosed two months ago with pancreatic cancer and the Oncologist told us we would be lucky if we were looking at 10 to 12 months- that was two months ago. He has always been just a little over two hundred pounds and in the past two months he has lost 51 pounds so now he is 149 pounds which is lighter than me- his daughter. I know we don’t have a lot of time left and the problem for me is that he isn’t even gone yet and I can’t stop crying. He cries too and that’s something I have never seen before so it breaks my heart. My parents just did a vow renewal and he cried like crazy and of course that broke my heart too but it was very special and something my mother will have to hold onto forever. I have no idea what my mother is going to do without him and I am so worried about her too. He is only 67 years old and has always taken care of his body and this is so completely unfair that something like this could happen to him of all people. I find myself crying at the most inappropriate times- at work, the grocery store, you name it- I cry! I don’t know how I am going to deal with it when he’s really gone, I just can’t deal with the fact that the man that listens to all of my problems and helps me through everything is no longer going to be there for me. I know he’s going to a better place but Im selfish- I want him here! Anyone have any good advice on how to help me please let me know, I am coming unraveled on the inside and often on the outside too. It’s also hard for me to watch others in the family act like this is no big deal and laugh and joke with him and not talk about what is really happening- it makes me want to shake them and say ” do you know he is dying”? I have brothers and sisters who are not even offering to help with anything. My husband (his son in law) has been there every weekend to mow lawns and do yardwork when others have not even stopped by to say hello- it doesn’t make sense! HELP!!!!

    1. Thank you so much for sharing. I don’t know if there is anyway to deal with what you’re going through. We all deal with things differently. We all find different ways to be able to function in our own everyday lives despite the intense pain we go through. I can understand your pain. But I can also understand what other members of your family are doing because it’s very similar to what I did in the last few months of my father’s life. He was getting old, he was ill, he was foreseeing his own imminent death. When he’d talk about death, I’d joke with him about it. If I didn’t do that, I knew I’d cry in front of him from missing him so much and I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to that first because it was an emotion that would have been too much for me to handle. And second, because we had another family member who cried when she thought of my dad dying and I didn’t think we should all be doing that. I knew dealing with my father’s death was going to be very difficult. I didn’t know just how difficult it would be. I didn’t want to have to deal with his death while he was alive as well. So I’d try to avoid the thought of it. Whether this is the right or the wrong thing to do, that is how I’d deal with it and that is how I could keep myself functioning as a human being. I find that now, almost one year after my father’s death, I still cry frequently, but only when I’m alone. I don’t want other people to have to deal with my emotions. And I don’t want to become more emotional because someone reacts to my emotions. So I’ll cry when I’m alone. I’ll get it all out. And when I’m going to be around others, I’ll pull myself together and put on a strong face like nothing has happened. Kim, this is a very difficult time for all of you, especially for your father. Allow yourself to deal with it the way you need to deal with it. Allow your other family members deal the way they need to deal as well. My heart is with you, with your father, and with your family during this difficult time.

      1. Kim, My heart goes out to you. Everyone deals differently with grief, some more constructively than others. The thing is sometimes the thought of death is so overwhelming that we might deny it all together and pretend that everything is fine. It is not being heartless, it is not being able to cope. But you need support. You may find a book called Healing the Dying by Dennis and Matthew Linn helpful. Here is a review of that book that I found at http://books.google.tt/books?id=uvJk9Yi-XEIC&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q&f=false

        : This book has been EXTREMELY helpful in dealing with the care of (mentally, spiritually AND physically) a father
        diagnosed with has terminal cancer.

    2. I have learned that everyone deals with life cycle events in their own way. I learned that I had to focus on what I was doing and how I was doing it, instead of wasting my energy on how others were acting. It sounds like your relationship with your dad was very special and I can relate. I found peace knowing that my father would soon give up a body that was no longer serving him. It hurt just as much to see how hard it was for him to get though an hour, no less a day. Selfishly I too wanted him to live forever. Almost 9 years later, he lives within me in so many ways – be it sharing one of his jokes, one of his unique sayings, or opening a door for an elderly or disabled person, something I would do anyway but it puts more of a smile on my face as I remember my dad – could barely walk but there he was using his cane to hold a car door open for someone. My life is so much richer because of my dad. Please try to enjoy the time you have with him because when you focus on what others are doing or not doing as the case may be, you are giving them free rent in your mind. You could also be angry at them BECAUSE it is a way of expressing your grief. Please make sure that you have said everything you’ve ever wanted to say to your dad now – it makes it easier in the long run. It was a calming feeling for me to know, as my parents started to get older, that if something happened I knew I had said everything I wanted to and with my dad – it was good that I did. We cannot prepare for tomorrow – we can guess how it feels but honestly, you cannot prepare for how you will feel when you lose someone so very important to you. Be gentle with you – allow yourself to give love and be loved. Don’t rob yourself of this precious gift you have been given to give back to your dad/your parents in such a special way. I hope I am not too late. My heart goes out to you.

    3. Hi There,
      I have gone through what you are going through now,its very very tough.What I found helped me to be strong for my Dad was counselling,I went every week & talked about how I was feeling ,this helped me to be strong for my Dad as I didnt want him to to see me upset or crying.I did do that privately in shops,in work constantly,I went part-time from work so I could spend more time with him,I am so glad I did we spend a loit of time together & I am so glad for those happy times.IF you want to pm me feel free to do so,my Dad lost his brave battle on the 28th of July,I miss him so much,we used to talk every day & see each other nearly every day.I talk to him every day now & bring him fresh flowers that he planted in my garden,he has sent me numerous signs that he is fine,but I would give any of them to have him back with me.Mind yourself & spend time with your Dad.

      Take Care
      Siobhan

    4. Hello! Well… I am crying Like a baby right now… My dad passed 1 year ago and i can tell you i cry a lot… I am just 26 and want to die as soon as possible just to be with him, i dont Like my world with out him near to me, i love him more than i love anything, and even though i have had happy moments in this last year… How? God is hugging me, literally! Ask HIM exactly that, and you will survive better. One thing you should know is: it was so much worse What i felt when they told me he was dying, the time before (What you are dealing with now) than the real moment of his death and after, the fear is worst. Please know, when he is not physicaly there but in heaven, HE WILL BE ABLE TO SEE YOU, LISTEN TO YOU AND HELP YOU, so talk to him, and Believe you will be with him again! And… even if you are not a God believer, just for curiousity, ask Him for the Hug i told you and then see What happends. PS: the day before yesterday i went to the theatre, it would have been my dads birthday that day, and i asked him to come and see the musical with me from heaven… For some reason a man really similar to him sat just in front of me. When the musical went for an intermedium this man went to buy some M&Ms (chocolates) and sat back in his Chair, so i asked my dad: “please daddy if you are here, make this man turn to me and offer me some of his M&Ms” next thing i know, the Man turned arownd and did so! He offered me some of his M&Ms!! …. Well this kind of things dont happen every time i want a sign from my dad of course, but when they do, i feel so Happy and thank God for let it be! I DO know, nothing can be more sad than loosing a daddy, missing him :( there are no words for describing such a thing BUT it does help to know that death does not really exist and that some day we will be able to physicaly Hug and see our dads! Even if for now they are invisible for our current terrenal eyes. Wow i feel so much better after writing this :)

      1. Hello Francesca, I really relate to your post I am 24. My dad died 23 days ago at the young age of 54. I have been struggling,hence why I am searching the internet for comfort. My dad and I were best friends. I often feel like I could just die and I would be so happy to see my dad again. Good thing God doesn’t give us the option. I yearn for his hug, voice, comfort, smell, singing and much more everyday. I am getting scared that it will be over a month soon because I never went longer then a month w out seeing him. I have been recently having dreams about him. The first 3 were nightmares like he was suffering. It was horrible. My husband and I prayed that those nightmares would stop and the following night I had a dream about him again but it was pleasant. The dream was pretty intense and I feel had a ton of messages but I am no physiologist. Toward the end of the dream he was getting ready to go to work and I hugged him and he said I’m fine and had a look on his face like “what’s she worried about?” The only thing keeping me going on and living is the fact that he is in heaven perfectly fine w God and I will get to see him again one day and we will spend it for eternity and I won’t have to say goodbye ever. Sometimes I think “ok life hurry up I wanna see daddy” and it’s only been 22 days of him being gone :( I also talk to him and ask him and God to send me signs he is with me still. He visited me the night he died and the 2nd night after his death. :). I think he comes to me through the radio sometimes playing specific songs or puts songs in my head for me in the morning. But also sometimes those just are not enough and I cannot be consoled. I’m glad I read this, it help me. Take care everyone. You are not alone.

      2. It will be two years on Monday May 12th for me. The whole is still there. I think about not wanting to be here…my life is hard. I want to be with him and all the others I love. I know that is not what they would want for me, but I can’t seem to catch a break lately. I miss him, his encouraging words, the connection with someone that truley knew me. I guess it never
        goes away you just have to learn how to live with it!

    5. I’m so sorry for your loss, I wish I could tell all that is gets better with time but it does not. I lost my dad 3 years ago he was a healthy vibrant 58 year old man on his way home from work when someone ran a red light and hit him placing him in a coma for 5 days in which he was declared brain dead.. It feels like yesterday that I received that call, the call, the images of him in the hospital bed, in his coufin as they removed him from the hospital in a body bag can never be shaken from my head.. My father was my best friend and although I was 35 when he died I was still his little girl.. It’s been 3 years and I cannot stop thinking if that night.. There is not a second of the day that I do not think of him. I try to think happy thoughts and remember the good times, but it all leads back to that horrible night. I feel terrible for him, he had so many good years left.. I wonder did he know what was happening, I wonder could he hear me at his bedside.. It’s crazy, no matter how old you are when you lose your parent you turn right back into a little girl again.. Time does not heal all wounds things just become more familiar.. It just really hurts and the truth is your life will never ever be the same.. I am happy and proud to have had such a great dad and he does live in me everyday..

    6. Hi! Reading your comment was like reading my story.. im 31 years old and just lost my daddy 12 days ago who was only 63 years old to a heart attack.. as you can see I’m so desperate and grieving so deeply that i had to look for help and consolation on the internet.. I’m suffering like never before in my life dealing with emotions that i can’t even understand my self.. even though I have a beautiful and happy family of my own, sometimes I wish to die just to see him and hug him again.. the pain is unbearable, I cry at work, at home doing laundry, in the mornings getting ready for work, driving to work, driving on my way home, at the supermarket, taking a shower etc etc etc.. when I feel a little peace in my mind his sweet face appears suddenly on my mind and I start crying again.. he was my best friend, my counselor, my guide, my buddy my everything!!!! He used to take care of him self very meticulously, he used to exercise, had a low fat diet, drink veggie juices daily, he was the. Sweetest man I have ever met, honest, generous and kind.. its soo unfair!!! Why him? His biggest dream was to see his grandkids grow and get old with my mom whom he deeply loved and respect all of his life, my mom of course is broken in 200993 pieces, he was the love of her life, her man, her lover, her life… The only advice I can give you is to tell him that you love him as much as you can, it helps a lot when you gave everything to gaht loved one and you have no regrets, kiss him, hug him…now that you can..

  10. my dad is gone 8 months and thank you for your article its how exactly how i feel. your right nobody talks about it.

  11. My dad passed on Good Friday of this year. I am so heart broken. Most of the time I don’t feel anything except I know I miss him dearly. I pain comes rarely but very heavily. I cry to the point of exhaustion and then I feel numb.

    The day after we buried dad my brother, his family and my mom all went to his cottage. I was made painfully aware that I was not invited. I feel alienated and alone. Why would they do this? I feel like I have lost the only person in the world who truly loved me as me.

  12. A year ago today, I lost my father. I am 29 years old. I don’t feel excited about the future events such as getting married or having children because he won’t be in the picture. I was a daddy’s girl. When will this feeling go away?

    1. I understand the feeling of not being excited about future events. I was 24 (now 26) when my father passed away, I found out three months later I was pregnant with my first child. I will say that it was still amazing and I love her with all my heart, but it does bring many sad emotions. All you think about is wanting your daddy to be there to see how amazing she is and to hold her. I also am shameful to admit but was jealous that my daddy got to meet my nieces and not my baby. I know its ridiculous, but grief can make us think mean thoughts sometimes. When it’s time, it will be worth it though ( just take everything that has made your daddy so great and show your children that).

  13. I lost my daddy 21 days ago and I can totally agree with you that this is one of the biggest pains a girl can go through in life. I miss him terribly and cant seem to find the acceptance that I know I need to have. He took a piece of me with him and I feel I will never be the same..

    1. I lost my daddy on Dec 7,2012. I was not expecting him to die.He had been sick for a long time. I miss him so much. All I do is cry. I dont understand why he left me. I took care of him for 12 years. I do not know what I am going to do. No one understand what I feel. We were very close. Now I have no one. He was my friend. I could talk him about anything. I cry every day. When I leave the house I tell him bye. When I come back I talk to him. I am not handling this very well. My dad was my whole world. I thought he was doing well. I was shock when he die. I am in so much pain.

      1. I understand you perfectly.. I’m going through the same pain now, I list my dad 12 days ago and I cat stop crying.. he was my world

  14. My father passed away on Wednesday, April 4th, 2012. It is now 6 months. He was 67 years old. I am 42. I still don’t believe it. He went out that morning to pay a bill and collapsed and that was it. I didn’t know that was it when I got the call at work that I needed to go to the hospital. I was sure I would be going there to see him for a few hours and he would come home in a couple days after they fixed him all up. My life changed the minute I walked in that hospital. I knew. It was like a dream. It seemed as thought that happened to some other person. Even today it seems surreal. I spoke to him the morning before this happened to let him know about coming to my house to celebrate Easter Sunday. Had I known that was the last time I would ever have heard his voice I would’ve stayed on the phone longer. I would not have erased that last voice mail message if I knew it was the last one I would ever get from him. I would’ve saved one message so I could hear his voice whenever I wanted to. We take such small things for granted. The silence of death was and still is so difficult for me. I too cannot believe how I feel and I know I will never be the same person I was before that day. I miss him terribly and so desperately just want to talk to him again. Just one more time for a minute. Unless you have been through this people cannot understand at all what it feels like. I thought I understood before. I couldn’t possibly have understood until this happened to me. I feel like I’m just passing time now. It even bothers me that I now know the heartache my children are one day going to feel when I or my husband pass on. I feel guilty they will experience this someday and it is my fault. Even then there aren’t any guarantees with that happening in that such order and the not knowing what tomorrow will bring scares me now more than ever. It’s a daily thought. Here one day but you could just be gone the next. Poof and it’s over. I know there are certainly worse things in life. I’ve seen it happen to people I know. None of us are invincible to anything. I pray for them and those that experience such things. The pain they feel I cannot imagine even now but, it does help me to know other people do feel similar feelings about losing their Dad. One link to my chain of life is broken now. I pray that someday it will eventually be repaired because I really miss my Dad so much. I thank you for sharing your story and for allowing me to share mine. God Bless.

  15. I just lost my dad and he was my hero , we had it rough when we were small he was a single parent so for me he was my mom and dad. It’s been really hard for me and my kids and my husband .u r story made me cry cuz I was always trying to b the strong one for everybody until it got to me , my dad was everything to me I was always waiting for that phone call everyday we were really close just like u and u r dad.

  16. I am 40 and lost my dad exactly 21 days ago and I am hurting so much. There are days i am just numb, because like the other writers am afraid to cry in front of my daughter he died in my house on my daughter’s bedroom floor. She is 14 and was also there. I feel she should have been protected from experiencing such, seeing the paramedics rescusitate him more than twice and him fighting for his life and in the end losing it, is the worst thing a girl can ever have to deal with. I know its not easy either way but sometimes I wish I wasnt there to experience it, people say he chose to come die at my house and i must feel blessed? how can the death of a precious, kind, loving and supportive father be a blessing. Someone please tell me how to stop this pain, its like a shard of glass has just gone through my chest somedays i go on and still feel bad that I go on and he is not here. I really dont know what to do. I also feel bad that when my mom passed on when i was 19 I didnt feel so bad, but this is like unreal.

  17. I lost my father two weeks ago. It still feels unreal, like it’s not really happening. I still expect to get a silly text message or speak to him on the phone. There is nothing like the pain of losing a parent – that one person in your life that has always been there, that should always be there. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, are we ever ready to say goodbye? There was so much I wanted him to see and do. Will he ever know how much I loved him? How much I will always love him? My heart breaks for my mom – losing her constant companion after 50 years. How does that feel? The worst for me is that I will never hear his voice again, calling me “my girl”. I’m 39 years old and I will also be his girl.

    My heart goes out to you all.We all have a very long road to feeling “ok” again. I know that life goes on, and I will always love and miss my precious dad and I will never forget. All I can wish for is him watching over me and making him proud.

  18. 10 months ago I lost my dad when I was only 18 years old. For the past two years he was fighting for his life because of cancer. The last four months of his life he was in and out of the hospital and into rehab programs because my mother couldnt take care of him while my older siblings and I were away at school. I always think to myself that I should have taken the year off and helped my mom, but I couldnt he told me not to. “You got into a great school, I want you to go” even though it was a 2hr flight away. The holidays are coming up now and I’m not really sure what to do. My father was in the hospital during thanksgiving, after that he said he wanted to come home. He came home a week before Christmas, I never imagined myself taking care of my father like that when I was 18, no one does. Christmas day he tried his hardest to be happy and hide the pain but you could tell. There were only three presents left for him to open, two of them were from me, my mom says that we are going to open them this Christmas but I’m not sure if I want to. Two days after Christmas he went back in the hospital in the middle of the night. The last week and a half of his life he was in a hospital bed knowing what was going to happen. My family and I spent New years eve with him in the hospital, I still remember the smile on his face when I said “happy 2012 Dad.” Two nights later I spent the night when him in the hospital, that was the last night I got to talk to him. With a huge smile on his face, all he could say was “can I have another swob of water?” He talked non stop all night long with me and all I could say was I love you and laugh with him. I miss him every day, I was his little girl, he did everything for me. I couldnt have asked for a better dad, I just wish I had more time with him.

    You dont realize how much you love someone until you lose them, I learned that at a very young age. I have good and bad days, but all I can think about now is how the holidays are going to suck without him. I dont talk to my mom about it because I know Ill just cry, if anyone has a secret that helped them please tell me!

    1. My dad passed 1 year ago and i can tell you i cry a lot… I am just 26 and want to die as soon as possible just to be with him, i dont Like my world with out him near to me, i love him more than i love anything, and even though i have had happy moments in this last year… How? God is hugging me, literally! Ask HIM exactly that, and you will survive better. Please know, HE IS ABLE TO SEE YOU, LISTEN TO YOU AND HELP YOU, so talk to him, and Believe you will be with him again! And… even if you are not a God believer, just for curiousity, ask Him for the Hug i told you and then see What happends. PS: the day before yesterday i went to the theatre, it would have been my dads birthday that day, and i asked him to come and see the musical with me from heaven… For some reason a man really similar to him sat just in front of me. When the musical went for an intermedium this man went to buy some M&Ms (chocolates) and sat back in his Chair, so i asked my dad: “please daddy if you are here, make this man turn to me and offer me some of his M&Ms” next thing i know, the Man turned arownd and did so! He offered me some of his M&Ms!! …. Well this kind of things dont happen every time i want a sign from my dad of course, but when they do, i feel so Happy and thank God for let it be! I DO know, nothing can be more sad than loosing a daddy, missing him :( there are no words for describing such a thing BUT it does help to know that death does not really exist and that some day we will be able to physicaly Hug and see our dads! Even if for now they are invisible for our current terrenal eyes. Wow i feel so much better after writing this :)

  19. I just lost my daddy this past Friday. It hurts so bad. I feel like my life will never be the same. I am picturing him in heaven, healed and smiling down at us.

  20. I lost my day 18 days ago and I haven’t stopped crying everyday since he left
    He passed away two days before my bday, my bday should always be my favorite day and now it will always b the worst time

    He was on dyalisis for five years and we watched his killness slowly make him a shell of the big strong man he was

    I will forever miss his voice and the way he always called me pops! The pain is like some1 has ripped up my heart

    I just want to go and be with him now and the only thing that is keeping me here is being here for my brothers and my mum

    Having them has made coping easier, the love of ur family does give u reason to live

  21. Hi Nadia,
    I lost my dad 3 months ago, just after I turned 16. I’m missing him more than anything and today is really hard, this post helped me know I’m not alone, thankyou x

  22. Waiting for my dad to die. That is reality right now and it SUCKS! I am ANGRY! I want my daddy, the grown man I was looking forward to enjoying as a grown woman and now I feel like a child again….helpless, naive and vulnerable! Lord have mercy

  23. My father died in hospice from parkinson’s in 2006. My mother took care of him up until this point. Once he passed my mother broke down revealing her own illnesses of which one was alzheimer’s. I live in Georgia. I should have seen the signs, but never did until dad died. Mother moved from Ohio to Georgia in 2007 to live with me and my husband. During the ongoing 5 years of living with us everyday task’s for my mom was getting difficult. She was a kind loving woman never wanting to come out of her bedroom thinking she was intervening on my husband and my time. She put in her thoughts about everyone around her was more important than her. I lost my mom who died in my home with hospice in March of this year 2012. During these last 5 years my mother in law also from Ohio moved in with us in 2008. Other than arthritis she was very mobile. But we lost her to an annuerysim due to surgey in May of this year 2012. I can tell you that there is not a day or night that goes by that I am still grieving. I miss these two wonderful people. I yearn to hear them call my name if they need something or want to do something. There are days when I myself feel like life is over for me too. I am 58 years old and cry like a baby. But I get up each morning and pledge to myself everything I do not want to do to do it. (e.g. getting dressed – I get dressed. Cleaning – I clean. It is hard but I know this is what my parents and my mother in law would want. This is the only way I know how to help my self and hope with time it will get better. Life is to precious to be wasted and I have a husband, grandchildren and my son’s to enjoy. I wish for everyone’s pain to get better with each moment, each minute, each hour, and each day. We have to plug through even if we are crying while we are doing it. It is a natural thing life and death even if we do not like it. Trust your inner being with the outside being our lord and we will not only treasure all the memories and cry and smile because that’s just the way it is.

  24. On May 11th 2012 I lost my Dad after a long 8 year battle with Parkinson’s Disease, Dementia, & emphazema. My mother & I took care of him at home for all these years. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My 2 sisters were non-existent, and my only brother tried but couldn’t comprehend the care he required. Every day, morning, noon, night dealing with his issues as well as my mother’s health problems. No one seems to understand the toll this takes, financially, physically, and emotionally. I have almost lost everything. Due to this I thought as the end drew near that I would be relieved when he passed, for the three of us….Was I wrong! I grieved over his loss for 8 years while he was still here…Now I wish I was still his caregiver & and that he was still with me. Which is totally unfair to the pain & confusion he went through. Over the last two years of his life he was not able to speak very well, but last Thanksgiving he sat at the table (in a wheel chair) with my mom, me & my uncle. I’d give him sips on beer…toward the end he looked at me & said “Hi ya doll, Thank you for everything you do for me”, just as clear as day. I of course broke out in tears & hugged him. This Thanksgiving that’s All I will think about. Over the 8 years of his illness I was able to say and do everything possible to make his life just a little better….It was a privilege to be there for him and while this gives me great comfort, I still cry everyday as I have for 8 1/2 years. After 6 months I’m still lost without him. My advise would be to say everything you need to say, make your loved one smile or laugh, sing if necessary (I used to sing you are my sunshine- it held special meaning for us), BUT be there….it is time you will never get back.

    1. I lost my dad only 3 days ago. He had mild dementia, Parkinson’s disease and a chest condition bronchiectasis, of which he got pneumonia and that’s how he passed. Its effected me in ways I never thought possible, I worry for my family’s and my health constantly. (My youngest of 3 children is 2 years old and expecting his second open heart surgery soon) I still have to face dads funeral next week. He was 68 and I am 30. Its hard because I was there at the hospital every day as he declined, he couldn’t breath. I wanted to be there to hold his hand when he passed but I didn’t get to the hospital in time, that I will regret forever. I’m unhappy as he is being cremated and I wanted him buried. I love my dad immensely, I can’t ever imagine not seeing him again. I have so many regrets. Can’t sleep properly, not eating, feel sick, diarreah. Doctor can’t help me. So scared.

      1. 3 days is a very short time, your just feeling the beginning. It’s been almost 2 years for me. My Dad was my world, and he suffered daily with the disease that took 8 years to kill him. It took me six months to come out of my fog, and another year before I had even an once of hope. Now I function, but there will forever be before and after in my mind and heart. What finally woke me up was really listening to what my father would have wanted me. I can still hear him. You have children and must put them first, but what would he have wanted for you and his grandchildren? I’m guessing to long healthy happy lives, and to always honor his memory. I still cry and miss him terribly, but I am moving forward. Let some time pass, don’t hold on to regrets, and move centimeter by centimeter forward.

      2. About 10 days ago was my fathers 82nd Bday, he passed when he was 80. Ever since his birthday I feel him with me, hear him talking to me….I guess it’s true that that ones we love never leave us. For some reason, tonight, is especially hard. I’ll never be able to fill the void he has left, but then how could I possibly do that….he was my Dad, the man that I looked up to. I guess that ago should feel lucky that I had the opportunity to have a wonderful Dad like him; Many people do not have that blessing.

  25. I am 60 and I just lost my 97 year old Dad 3 weeks ago. He died peacefully in his sleep. Thank you for sharing your experiences. My pain is so tangible and difficult and I recognize that time will heal much of this. I loved being Daddy’s little girl. He was an amazing man.

  26. I’m 30 years old and my dad died 8 months ago. He was in a terrible car accident – driving along a country road on his way to work one morning in autumn, when another vehicle unexpectedly pulled in front of his path. He was severely brain injured from that moment and we had him on life support for four days while family bickered about what to do. It was obvious to the doctors (and several of the less hysterical members of the family) that he could not survive his injuries, but other people took longer to come to understand that. Eventually life support was removed and he died several hours later.

    The horror of his death will never leave me, of that I’m sure. But as the months go by, I find there are a few moments of light in the day in which I forget about his passing. Work helps. Exercise and running have saved my sanity. But there are moments where the grief rushes over me and the pain is just as it was in those first few hideous weeks after his accident and death. I loved my father dearly, we had a great relationship and unfortunately I can’t say the same about my other family members – there is a lot of mental illness and personality disorders running through our big family, and sometimes dealing with difficult personalities can be really draining. My dad wasn’t like that though. He wasn’t manipulative, he would never intentionally hurt me, and he always had my back. Sometimes it feels like the only person I could trust is gone and all I’m left with are the bad eggs.

    Losing a parent is like joining an awful club. A club you don’t know exists until it’s too late and you’re already a member. It’s impossible to describe the pain to those who haven’t experienced significant grief, and so we don’t bother. A bit like how we can’t really explain proper sleep deprivation or the pain of labour to people who haven’t had a newborn baby, so we don’t really try. Afterwards people say “why did no one tell me?!”. Well, perhaps people tried to tell us but we weren’t really listening or able to understand. Now, unfortunately, we know. And hopefully we can give others some extra care and understanding when we encounter grieving people in future, as a result.

  27. My Daddy passed away just yesterday and the whole family is still in dibelief, I guess we all go through a process of shock, disbelief, grief, acceptance, peace.. It was harder for me because I am on the other side of the world and my parents are on the other side…Not being there to hold his hands and hug him… It was just my Mom who was there beside him… Still coping and will miss my Dad my whole life…

    1. I lost my darling father Jan !8 ,2013>I miss him so much.It hurts so awfully bad.He was amazing,loved life ,everyone adored him.He left and incredible legacy…He had turned 100 in December and was told by his doctor a week before he passed that his heart was too waek.I was with him and I did not fall apart .I wish I had begged him not to leave me,but he was tired and wanted too go while he was in complete controlI feel lost.The last couple of years as he needed more help from me,I was there all the time.We got to know eachother and that meant the world to me.He told me he loved me very day and said I had been A good daughter.I was not finished being a daughter.My mom passed away 4 years ago,but she was in great discomfort for a long time.
      I hope they are together and young and that I will see them one day.i hope I can be as good as they were and I I hope they will be remembered.My father LOVED LIFE AND people and making the world a better place.My hero always.

  28. My dad passed away when i was 10. I’m now 16 and the shock and memories are just beginning to resonate with me. I was far too young to understand before. It’s almost like a wound that won’t heal. It decides to bleed ever so often, worse every time, and seems to be impossible to stop. I understand death is part of life, but when it’s your own dad who doesn’t get to see you grow up, its too hard to bare.

  29. I lost my dad 7 months ago.. im only 16 and I was a total daddys girl.. I got in a fight with him the day before… he said ‘I dont wanna eat I wont be alive much longer anyway’ when I tried to feed him supper.. It broke my heart so I ran out of the hospital room.. my mom texted me to come back in there.. that my dad wanted to talk to me.. but I didnt listen I was too broken..as we left I was never told.. but that day 20 mins after I ran out and left they put my dad on life support.. I didnt get to say to him that I love him or goodbye because he was uncontious the next day.. and the morning after that.. he pased away… I still feel guilty.. but I know he has to have forgiven me..

    1. Of course he has. An action on one day cannot erase the love that you gave for 16 years and the joy that you must have brought to him. You can still say goodbye to him. Still tell him that you love him. And be assured of his love for you. He is not here physically but he does still exist.

    2. Rose, let me tell you this as a mother. We love our children ALWAYS and we understand them better than they think we do. Your father will know why you ran out that day. He will know that it was out of love and fear for him. When my father died, I was in the hospital but on the ground floor. We were allowed to visit him for a few minutes every two hours. They would only allow one of us in each time. He died completely alone in a hospital room but my brother and I were close by. We had all been able to see him the night before. This lies heavy on my conscience; the fact that my father died alone. But that is death. We cannot know when it will come. And each and every one of us goes through it completely alone no matter how many people are around us. Your dad loves you, Rose. And he knows you love him. There is nothing to forgive. Trust me.

      1. Since losing my Dad, my family and I have had many conversations about the timing of when and how a person passes. In our case, once our Dad saw that our family would be OK without him, he was able to pass away peacefully in his sleep. Our extended family was all together with him and my Mom about 10 days before he passed. Who knows what the scientific basis is for controlling the timing of your death, but we believe that my Dad had some input.

      2. I think that is very interesting, Ruth. In a way, it applies to my father as well. He worried about me and my brothers and sister (and our children) all our lives. He took care of us even as adults. It seems as if he passed away when he knew we could all take care of ourselves. Also, and even stranger, my siblings and I are hardly ever in the same country at one time. Both of my brothers live outside of Egypt. I travel very frequently. When my dad fell ill for the last time, it was when my two brothers were visiting. I was out of the country. They called me and I came home immediately. When my father died, all four of his children were with him. We all got a chance to be with him in his last hours. I think this is a blessing from God to him and to us.

      3. We placed my Dad in a dementia unit and he lasted 9 days. During the time that he was in the unit, I brought my Mom back to my home about 3 hours away. We had a wonderful week and she saw that she would be fine in the next chapter of her life without him. We even spoke with him on the phone once and he sounded wonderful and at peace. My Mom flew home a week later and was in her house by around 7:30 pm. We got the call that my Dad had passed at around 11 pm that night. Conveniently (?) my brother was also visiting nearby from out of state and was able to physically go to my Mom’s immediately. It is strange when you look at how things transpired. We look at his passing, the way he did it, the timing.. as his final gift to us. We feel blessed.

  30. My Dad died suddenly 4 days before his 66th birthday. Dad had been looking after mom who had recently had major surgery. Our main focus as a family had been ensuring mom got walking asap. Due to mom not being mobile I went with him & was with him in A&E. I never thought he wouldn’t make it. I had to go & tell my mom after 45yrs of being together that he had gone. My priority suddenly was my mom who needed care to get better. I went into auto pilot & shock. That was 6 wks ago. Mom is fully recovered physically. In the last 6 wks we have cried, laughed & remembered Dad. I went back to work tender but getting through the days. This week it’s hit me straight in my chest as if the minute it happened. The pain was strong, raw and as acute like the last 6 wks haven’t happened. The shock, the disbelief, the emptiness & sadness.
    Reading the posts have helped me understand that this is ok taking 2 days off doing nothing & stoping is ok. This will never go away but I’m starting to think about my Dad & what he gave of himself to others with happy tears as well as sad for my own loss. With this in my heart I can be there for my mom. & family. The raw emotion is hitting me as im coming out of the shock of losing my dad & I’m sure I will never come to terms with our loss or understand why ? But in time I hope to cope with it. This Christmas is going to be so sad & my Dad loved Christmas who volunteered weekly to look after others. We feel so mixed as a man of tradition he wouldn’t have wanted us to do anything but the same & enjoy. As a man of deep faith he would understand the tears and wipe them away. X x

    1. I understand the mixed emotions. My father passed away on my daughter’s 18th birthday on May 18 this year. Last year he and my mom celebrated their 0th Wedding anniversary. Daddy loved Christmas so my siblings (7) and I are wondering how we will celebrate this year. But my mom is leading the way. She has decorated the house and in some ways it is as if Daddy is with us. She talks about him so naturally in everything that she does. We cry and laugh together and talk of how blessed we are to have had him so long and what a good man he was.

  31. I lost my Dad on August 8th of this year, he was 50 years old and I’m 21. I’ve been searching on google and whatnot just to find help, advice, stories…anything..to help me and to find people who understand how it is from a daughter’s point of view to lose their dad. I really appreciate you sharing your dreams about him. I’ve had several since my dad passed away, where he was smiling, and reassuring me that he’s okay–even if he didn’t say it. I woke up feeling happy and reassured that he was okay and in a good place–but like you said, there is sadness that still comes with those dreams. Just wanted to say thank you for writing this. It really did make me feel better.

  32. I lost my Dad on 23 September 2012 to cancer, he had just turned 70 on 16th August. I am 43. The pain is not getting better, actually this past couple of weeks it has got worse. We were so close. He was my last parent and now there is a gaping hole that can never be filled. He was so funny, so generous and caring and a fountain of knowledge.

    In 2008 he had a successful operation to remove a small tumour from his colon. He needed no chemo following the op and all was good. At the end of May this year he started experiencing stomach pains and bloating. The doctor was useless and finally his cancer clinic stepped in and got him in for a CT scan but things had gotten worse and he was admitted to hospital, vomiting regularly sometimes 1.5 litres at a time. He could not eat and lost so much weight. We were given the news that it was terminal on 5th September. He cried so much when he told me and that’s a memory that keeps repeating over and over at the moment. He was transferred to a hospice on 7th. Some days were good and he was so bright and almost his old self but then it all went downhill. Fortunately he was never in a morphine induced unconscious state like my poor mum who we lost 14 years ago, she was only 62. But I left him on that 23rd September at about 17:50, he was gone at 7pm with no warning, it was so quick. His friend Joyce was with him, but it still saddens me that I was not.

    I think I’m going to see a counsellor, as I’m not coping. I’m not happy in my job and everything is becoming increasingly irritating.

    One comfort is that I have my Dad’s cat Morris and he is wonderful, although my other 4 cats would beg to differ.

    I think after his passing I was so busy doing everything from registering the death to arranging the funeral, phoning everyone, my brother helped, but I bore the brunt, I think now it is hitting me hard that he really has gone.

    It’s so very hard and nothing prepares you for it. Whilst I was devastated when Mum passed I seem to be taking it far far worse this time.

    xx

    1. I feel you, Samantha. I know your pain. The first year after my father’s death was horrible. Knowing that other people my age go through the same process helped. I allowed myself to cry (and still do) when I needed to. Writing about my feelings helped me immensely. Writing has always been my therapy and it really helps. Do go to therapy if you think it helps. Your email address appears on my end (not to anyone else) of the blog. If you’d like to email me about how you’re feeling and to share your experience, do tell me. That might help as well. Just know that I’m here and I’m certain everyone else here who has commented is as well. May your father rest in peace.

    2. I lost Daddy September 24th of 2012.. He had his chronic illnesses but all he had a week before he left us were shingles.. However, something worse would be brewing in his body.. I recall what God allowed for all of us that week.. That Friday before he went home w/ Jesus.. He went to the doctor. Dr. Berry told him he would see him in 5 more days to see how he’s progressing. When Daddy got up to leave, his knees locked and he fell on them. We rushed to his aid, and he said it was nothing but bad circulation. He then prayed with his doctor and kissed his hand, thanked him and told him he was an Angel of God. I was soooo embarrassed. I was like.. “Dad” .. people don’t do that anymore Dad.. and he said.. So what! I felt that I wanted to do that.. And now I know why.. God put that in his heart for a special reason. Dr. Berry would allow my father to go home w/ out seeing the signs of that fall.. God had a plan for him.. So we go to his apartment. I felt guilty for asking Dr. Berry to give him the truth about his condition.. About how his kidney numbers were falling and what would come. Dr. Berry told him he would have dialysis in two years if things didn’t change.. Dad got a bit worried. Anyway.. going home we talked about going for walks and changing the couch for a treadmill.. we were making plans. Out of the blue.. God put a question in my words.. Dad.. do you have things in order with Jesus…Are you ready? He replied.. Yes mija.. I have everything in order.. but I don’t wanna go yet.. Then we talked about death and our final wishes.. I would have NEVER thought that Dad would leave me 2 days later. I went home to his apartment on that Monday and he would not pick up the door.. I didn’t panic, until the maintenance man hit the window really hard with a screw driver, and then I called an ambulance. Then the man broke the door, ran into the room and as I rushed to his room and saw the man’s face.. I screamed.. and ran to Daddy’s side.. I held his hand and said no.. no.. no.. Daddy.. in disbelief.. His hands were cold. I felt so helpless..and while I called family and spoke to police.. I held his hand.. I was not ready to let go of Dad.. Seeing him get hauled off was the hardest thing.. I could not even cover his face.. I could only kiss his chubby cheeks and thank God for giving me my Dad.. I will never get over losing the one person that loved me unconditionally and would give his life for me like Jesus did.. MY Dad..He went from well groomed stud to a chubby green eyed Mexican who loved Jeans and Tee’s. He loved Jesus and took so much pride in his family/ He was compassionate, humble, and always put others before himself..He worked 2-3 jobs to support us as little kids and then cleaned floors. He was born in Harlingen , raised in Mexico, felt discriminated there, and then came back to the states to claim the American dream. He was a cartoonist, and he voiced over his story telling with funny voices and noises..and sometimes even made funny faces. He worked so hard for us that he put his dreams on hold one too many times.. But I hope I make him proud one day. I dedicated my first Emmy to him. I write this with tears in my eyes because I miss him so much. I still have his voicemails.. I still save them over and over.. My tears did turn to smiles.. But when I remember the good times.. i still cry. My tears and heartache will only belong to Daddy, because I was his only daughter, and the love he gave doesn’t deserve any less.. Keep crying and letting those wounds heal… but cling to God..Only he can carry us through this pain. I also mourn him on facebook In Loving Memory of Ruben P. Juarez ♥

  33. Hi

    Thank you for your reply. I seem to cry every night. Can’t believe he won’t be coming up for Christmas. Things will never be the same again. Sometimes it’s just sadness, other times loneliness, emptiness, fear. Sometimes the pain is so hard to bear. I still haven’t managed to get myself to my doctor to see if they can refer me to a counsellor.

    I’m spending more money than I should to try and cheer myself up but I know that I shouldn’t. I’m on a debt management plan as it is.

    I would like your suggestion about emailing, but didn’t see your email address anywhere. If mine shows to you then please feel free to email me. You are quite right – it does help to write about how you feel. No one asks me how I am at work, probably fearful of the answer I guess.

    Sam x

  34. Hey Nadia,

    I too found this blog by typing into a search engine.
    I typed into Google ‘I miss my dad’.

    I lost my father on June 14th 2003. He killed himself.
    This is extremely difficult for me to deal with. Even now.

    He was everything to me. I have no idea why he did it. It was the day after my parent’s wedding anniversary and the day before Father’s Day.
    He was cremated with my fathers day card. Not like it matters, but at the time it felt right.

    It was three weeks after my 18th Birthday.

    He didn’t leave a note. I don;t know why he did it. That is probably the worst thing. I don’t talk to anyone about it either.

    I am not on speaking terms with my only sister (four years older than me), and my mother moved to Australia a few years ago. I have no other family.

    It is very difficult, especially around birthdays, occasions, the festive period for example.
    He played a major role in my life.

    I cry when I think about him.

    I think writing on here is more therapeutic to me than to you, I’m sorry – it felt good to write about it.

    At the time of you posting it had only been six months. That is very, very raw and early.
    It has now been nine years since my father passed, although it could be yesterday for all I know.

    The pain does fade. The guilt does too.
    The memories do not, don’t worry. You will come to remember him at his best, fondly and with happiness.

    That’s how I have to remember my Dad. I can’t let myself think of the sadness he must have felt to leave us.

    Our fathers are at peace now, and we have to let ourselves have some peace from this.

    xx

    1. Thank you so much for sharing, Kirstiie. This post is probably the most worthwhile post among all those I wrote over the years. It has helped me get through difficult times by learning about other people’s experiences. I hope that it may have helped others as well.

    2. I WAS 13 WHEN MY DADDY DIED . HE WAS 38 I DO NOT BELIEVE HE KILLED HIS SELF. I AM 45 NOW . I AM ALL ALONE TOO. MY MOM LIVES 15 MINS AWAY . SHE HAS NEVER LIKED ME . ALOT OF UN ANSWERED QUESTIONS ARE STILL BOTHERING ME . IT WAS IN 1980 DNA WAS NOT USED THEN I HAVE 3 CHILDREN 1 25, 1 20 1 14 . I WAS A DADDY GIRL I RELIZE NOW I AM NOT A PEACE THEY SAY TIME HEALS . I AM SORRY IT JUST GOES BY . I MISS HIM SO MUCH . REALLY NEED ANSWERS . BUT WONDER IF I REALLY DO , DEATH CERTIFICATE HAS A DIFFERENT DATE THAN HIS HEAD STONE . THINGS JUST DO NOT ADUP .

  35. Hi. I just loss my dad 2 months ago I am 22 an my lil bro is 19. My dad was only 48 :( it’s very hard it’s having a really hard time dealing with everything I was very close to him an it sucks for him to just be ripped away from us like that :(

    1. awww bailey… hi i just lost my dad jan 16th 2013.. i am 23 and my younger sister is 21. my dad was only 56. i wish that no one would ever have to experience this but its comforting to know that we are not alone… i try to never speak of my dad in past tense. i try to believe he is here- just in a different way now. i find that writing letters to him helps me.. just a little bit

  36. I was able to feel,hear,her voice again after she dead many years ago.i searched the internet for help until i found a man called Doctor Jefferson,he is a genius when it comes to communicating with the dead.I didn’t regret in spending a few dollars in talking to my dead daughter.I authoritatively say that some members of my family,my uncles and my step mun are eager to talk to their dead ones.I decided to share his email address on the internet so that you can also contact him.doctorjeffersontemple@gmail.com

  37. My father is dying of cancer and people say to try and prepare myself, how can you do that? He is my rock, my best friend, the person who listens to me and loves me regardless, the thought of losing him rips my insides open and I don’t know how to cope with it. I feel like my world is being taken away from me and I can’t cope with it. Thank you for sharing this, I’m glad to know that someone’s else has such strong emotions, the pain is over whelming.

    1. I am really sorry to hear about your Dad! I lost my Dad 2-9-10 to lung cancer 3 months after he was diagnosed. It is never easy losing a parent because there the only ones who knew you since day one. Just know in your heart, there still here with you.

  38. Hi Nadia,
    Thank you for sharing this..This very moment I am writing a blog about this matter, then I thought of searching the net about it then I saw you blog. I can relate to it so much. My father just passed May of this year..its so hard. No words can express how much I miss him.

  39. I just lost my Dad 11 days ago due to Liver Cancer. I am 26 years old and I feel like I lost my purpose in life with his death. I feel so hollow and yes, I googled this because I don’t know how others deal with the grief. I feel so weak without him and I cant stop crying. I miss him so much. It was very hard coz he died before Christmas, and today is my first New Years without him.

  40. I lost my father yesterday ,he died in the hospital after 2 years of suffering from a chronic disease .He was gentel,tender and smiling all time.I m very sad because i haven’t seen him since september 2011 as all my family lives in Algeria “North Africa” and I live in UK with my husband and our 2 children.It was a terrible shock when I heard the bad news.I intended to take the children and go and spend a few days with him,but fate decided otherwise.I want to be with my mother and my family in such difficult circumstances and I really need them more than ever now.Fortunately I have the support of my dear husband, who is more than supportive.May God have mercy on my dear dad and make paradise his abode INCHALLAH.

    1. My father died on New Years Eve and his funeral was yesterday. He had been very ill for over two years and was immensely brave. I feel like a part of me died with him and I will miss him forever. I have no idea how I will get over it.

      1. Hi Kath,

        So sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad on 23 September last year. The pain is yet to ease.

        I lost my mum 14 years ago so losing Dad was simply awful.

        I’m afraid to say you never ‘get over it’ you just learn to live with your loss. In time I know happier memories of my Dad will return, but at the moment I’m haunted by the sad memories. He was everything to me.

        I’m seeing a counsellor at the hospice where he passed on Monday to see if that will help. I’ll come back on here and let you know.

        God bless xx

      2. It’s been 9 months today for me. I Loved my Dad more than anyone…Dad’s little girl. I spent 8 years taking care of him-full time. He had Parkinson’s Disease & dementia. The roller coaster ride lead me to be I’d be relieved for him& myself when his pain was finally gone, but I still have flashes daily of good times, bad times, and the week of his death. I’ve come to believe that his loss will never leave me, so deep & profound that I’m unsure of how to move on with my life. I hear him whispering his words of wisdom in my ear, but am unable to follow through with his advise. I know I need to move forward, but HOW??? Sent from my iPh

  41. All these comments … they inspire me and help me realize this pain I’m feeling is very …. common …. when a daughter loses a father (and shared a close relationship with their dad prior).

    Like a few others, my father was both a mom and a dad (single parent householdd)…

    Directly after turning thirty, my father was diagnosed suddenly with a brain mass. The symptoms presented themselves and two days later, I had him at the Johns Hopkins ER.

    It turned out to be CNS lymphoma – a terribly rare and aggressive form of non-Hodgkins lymphoma. The next several months were a whirlwind. Two months into treatment, it seemed like we’d caught it early enough. And just like that, the tumor became resistant to treatment and he regressed quickly.

    Eight months total, from diagnosis to death. The tumor took away everything from the strongest man I ever knew. I think that’s what breaks my heart the most.

    This is such a personal journey for everyone. Grief. Learning to live through it. Learning to grow from it. Learning to simply, accept it. There’s no guide or map that can ever lead someone through it entirely.

    Like several others, I have had amazing experiences happen that I choose to believe are from and by my father – ways to let me know there’s more to life (and death) than we can imagine. That consciousness lives on, somehow, and simply because science hasn’t “proven” life after death, that does not mean there isn’t any.

    I keep my father with me. In my heart. Always. It’s a bond that can never be broken – ever.

    All my best to you and those grieving the loss of their amazing fathers.

  42. Hello everyone, I am writing having found this blog after googling “miss my dad 4 months on”. Thank you for all sharing your experiences. I lost my Dad on Sept 10th, the dreaded 2am phone call. We (my boyfriend and I) went to my parents house, the ambulance still there, and I just felt relief. He looked so peaceful. He had endured years of ill health, but in the end it was a heart attack in his sleep.

    Since then I have managed a few days where I have not cried, but it has made me realise that no-one in the world will ever be “totally on my side” like he was. I feel like my armour against the world has been removed.

    It has been so helpful to see how other people cope. Just because you are an adult you are still your fathers child. I am very lucky in some ways in that I am already finding comfort from the good memories.

    Thanks again for this blog.

  43. I’m 13 and I lost my dad very unexpectedly by accident with meds doc prescribed… It’s been about 5-6 months since he died I miss him terribly still and miss having a dad and living in an awesome town… It was the best years in my life when he was here

  44. I’m 53 years old and my father is 78. I feel like a child who has a very ill father and that child weeps and weeps at the though of losing her father. My father has helped and loved me for 53 years. How in the world am I supposed to live without him? I know death is natural and is part of the life cycle, happens to all of us and may even be merely a transformation rather than an end, but none of these facts and/or ideas help me so I try not to dwell on them. I feel the pain, allow myself to feel the pain and it’s paralyzing and too hard. I hate it and I hate getting old. I hate that my dad has Parkinson’s… I dont’ want him to die. I’d rather lose my house and live in a shelter, lose all my possessions and my own health than lose my dad. The thought is unbearable. He is me and I am him. When he passes I will be only 50% of myself. He’s so brave and sweet, so generous an smart. I love him so much…so much. He tought me about art and music and how not to be a racist. He tought me to respect people and animals and myself and my children. I am going to try to be strong because he wants that for me. I’m afraid. I’m so afraid.
    Thank you for letting me share.

    1. Just lost my dad 3 days ago. He was 68, I am 30. He had Parkinson’s disease, mild dementia and bronchiectasis of which he got pneumonia. He really suffered at the end of which I can’t get the image from my mind. Scared for my and my family’s future.

  45. Nadia, and to everyone else who shared their thoughts in here, my heartfelt gratitude to all of you. I lost Papa so suddenly on Feb 13. 2012. I was out of the country then, so by the time I got to him he was already in his coffin. Everyday, for the rest of my life, I will never get over not being there for him during his final moments, not being able to say goodbye. Had I known I would never see or talk to him again, I would have kept him on Skype longer just a few days prior.

    Reading all your posts here, I am made to accept a few important things —

    That no matter what age you are, the pain is the same for all of us daughters. I am 37 years old, and I feel just as lost and unsure as a 16 year old.

    That there is no rushing the process of mourning and grief, and that it could very well be the rest of our lives. 2 days, 2 months, 2 years — it makes no difference, the pain can be just as intense no matter how much time may have passed.

    That for daughters like us whose father’s meant the world to us, our lives will never be the same again.

  46. I just lost my mother nearly a month ago, I feel worse now than the day it happened. Her life was rough, & her last 2 years of life were spent out of state. She didn’t get to meet her second grandchild, she picked a creepy town sight unseen, & I begged her not to go. I’m sad that she admired I was right, in a way, I’d hoped I’d be wrong. I hate thinking she passed at 53 scared & alone, what’s worse, I have no proof it wasn’t all for nothing, that her suffering wasn’t in vain. I feel your pain.

  47. I just lost my mother nearly a month ago, I feel worse now than the day it happened. Her life was rough, & her last 2 years of life were spent out of state. She didn’t get to meet her second grandchild, she picked a creepy town sight unseen, & I begged her not to go. I’m sad that she admitted I was right, in a way, I’d hoped I’d be wrong. I hate thinking she passed at 53 scared & alone, what’s worse, I have no proof it wasn’t all for nothing, that her suffering wasn’t in vain. I feel your pain.

  48. My father is ill and will not be around much longer. I am grieving already. I feel so much pain, so much anxiety. I feel like I could have been such a better son (although in reality i wasn’t too bad). I feel like i wasted so much time. I feel like we should have had so many more good times (although we certainly had some).

    It’s ironic, if our fathers weren’t so good to us, we wouldn’t be so sad. If our fathers were jerks we would feel no pain. Being sad at the loss of our fathers is a small price to pay for having them be so awesome.

    Let us be good to each other. We all have to rely on each other to battle through life’s pains.

  49. hello, i am 23 years old and i lost my dad: my best friend and my world, about 3 weeks ago of a sudden massive heart attack….i often forget he’s gone.. which is fine.. until i remember and it fucking blows. i also find myself wishing i would have done this or that.. and how i would do anything to have him back. i cant wait to see him again… but i know dad wants me to live because i feel him living through me. i never thought it was humanly possible to change over night until my dad passed away. i noticed my priorities have changed, i’ve been doing things i never would have done, or havent done in years..because i truly believe my dad is living through me. i feel him, sometimes. i cant wait until i dream of him! ive learned that trying to fill the hole my dad left is impossible. i will now live the rest of my life with feelings of emptiness. i will spend my whole life searching for something/someone to fill the hole but knowing it’s not possible. i now have to teach myself how to accept this. who knows if that will ever happen. let the self-work begin. i try to never speak of my dad in past tense. i try to believe he is still here- just in a different way now. i find that writing letters to him helps me…. i wrote this letter to him the day after his funeral. i just want the world to know how amazing he IS…… dad… i hate to break it to ya but i look better than you do in your yankee hat.. just kidding.. well, not really. i remember when you told me the story about how when i was little i told you to shave your mustache. so you listened to me and then i told you that you looked stupid so you grew it back lol. i hear you laughing. i laugh just like you.. when you laugh real hard you lean forward and clap your hands. i do the same shit. you always find humor in any situation. i miss you. i always tell you your the perfect dad. and you still are and always will be. for a single dad that raised two girls all by himself you did a damn good job. you raised emily and i strong and independent. you taught me everything i know and it doesnt stop here. you always tell me how strong i am. it’s true. because of you i know this. i remember just the other day i walked out of my room to go to work in my long black skirt and you told me how beautiful i am. you always told me that. its true. and because of you i know this. it took me until i was about 20 but i finally felt it from the inside. you know i always battled with my inner beauty because of the way mom makes me feel. you taught me how to deal with it. before i leave the house i always look in the mirror real quick (typical) and you would be sitting on the couch and i would say “dad, am i beautiful?” and you would say, “yes erin, you have an aura around you.” “thanks ugh dad do i look like mom? i look like you right, dad?” “erin you look just like your mom and that’s not a bad thing!” well dad i fiiiiiiiinally believe ya cuz i FINALLY saw a picture of you and mom when mom was my age and i thought it was me sitting next to you! i couldnt believe it. dad, i forgot how hilarious aunt sue and judy are, just like you. of course we didnt get through dinner last night with out having a 20 minute conversation about farts. such a rowbotham thing. i remember when i let one rip at the dinner table a while ago i was upset because my fart wasnt as good as yours. they’re so weak. oh well. one day. you are so proud of emily and i. always at every event, every game, every graduation. you always do what is best for emily and i even if it meant you had to suffer. you just want emily and i safe and happy. i always knew when you were home because i could hear the click your keys made when they hit the counter. i miss that comforting sound. i miss your smile, your voice, your smell of Patchouli and cigarettes, i miss being able to talk to you about ANYTHING and you never judged, just gave me all the advice i needed. you taught me about life… and you gave me all the tools i need to succeed- now it’s up to me how i use them. and your death has taught me how precious life truely is. you are always fair between emily and i…it’s Ryan’s turn to have you now. he is so lucky to have a dad like you. <3 I keep finding myself reaching up to the sky with my arms wide open to try and pull you back down to me, the same way i reached up to you with my arms wide open when i was a little girl so you would pick me up. thats how i got the name scoopy. and i called you didi. i cant wait for you to hold me again dad. matter cannot be created nor destroyed. we're all just ballz of positive and negative energy. i know you are here with me just in a different way now.

  50. Its very difficulty to accept whn ur parent has passed.Yes we had problems he left my mom long time ago and got married again.We are four from him the two which me and my brother decided to follow him and stay with him and the step mom.We were ill treated there I used to cry everyday because of the treatment that I was getting from both ma father and ma step mom as a result I left them and got a place to stay at school bcs tht tym I ws doin ma first year at tertiary.My plans was to take my brother whn I got a job of which it didn’t work like that.When I was doing ma second year ma brother was brutally murdered of which we stil suspect our step mom cz she used to tel him to leave their house but he had no where to go.We were only told by ma father after 4 months tht ma brother is missing.He never searched for him as a result ma brother body was cremated.Anyway we had by someone who visited the mortuary tht he saw my brothers pic at the mortuary.When we went to the mortuary he was already cremated.To make it short we survived for 12 years without seeing or even calling our dad cz he never wanted anything to do with us.Last year May It was 12 years since I last saw ma dad, I got an sms frm ma cousin telling mi that ma father is very sick he had lung cancer.I asked his fone number and I called him and told him that I wil visit him in Cape Town.I took a leave at work and went to visit him cz I forgave him for all the things he had done to me.It was the first week of July when I visited him.On ma arrival in his house I was welcomed but ma step mom.My dad was stil sleeping but eventually he walked up I could see tht he is in pains.I only chated with him for 30 mins afta tht he condition worsened we took him to the hospital that’s when I discovered tht he was sick since 2010 but no one bothered by telling me.Anyway from the hospital he was admitted after few days he was in coma.I was praying to god to give him another chance to be with me but it was too late.I’ve never experienced tht life of being loved by ur dad because he paased away after few days in hospital.I’m stil grieving for the loss.Though we were not in good terms I always had hope that one day he wil realise that he is wrong of which it never be like tht.Thts my sad story

  51. This is such a beautiful blog. Courageous to broach the subject, and so wonderful to see the gushing response. I have lost my father, not a month has passed. I fluctuate between being being completely devastated, to finding solace in the thought that he is somewhere around me, now without pain. He is at peace, and I will see him when I die.

    I was so incredibly close with my dad, my Papa, that losing him is breaking my heart. But I must go on – I WILL go on – and will find the strength by living my life to its fullest, in a way that he would be proud. That he is proud, wherever he is.

    This song by Eric Clapton:

    Would you know my name
    If I saw you in heaven?
    Would you feel the same
    If I saw you in heaven?
    I must be strong and carry on
    ‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven

    Would you hold my hand
    If I saw you in heaven?
    Would you help me stand
    If I saw you in heaven?
    I’ll find my way through night and day
    ‘Cause I know I just can’t stay here in heaven

    Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
    Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please

    Beyond the door there’s peace I’m sure
    And I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven

    Would you know my name
    If I saw you in heaven?
    Would you feel the same
    If I saw you in heaven?
    I must be strong and carry on
    Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven

    ***

    The song, to me, means that I know my Papa is safe, happy and at peace, and I want to join him…give him a big hug. But it’s not my time yet, and I must honour my own life and live it to the fullest, now that I understand how precious it is. How precious the people we love are, and how love is really the only thing that matters on this earth.

    Still, often just want to have him near, regardless of everything. I just want my Papa. And my heart break anew.

  52. I am surprised that everything what you wrote in your blog is similar to my experience. Your thoughts, experience, dreams and loosing father at 40s – you and I have so many similarities.

    I just lost my father one month back. He was my support system. We discussed so many issues regularly.

    Now that he is gone, I need to be strong for my mom and my son who are still not out of this pain and grief.

    Thanks for sharing your experience.

  53. I lost my dad in 2011. I was only 20. It was truly the hardest, most emotionally intense thing ive ever experienced in my life. My dad was my best friend so losing him was very hard on me, not having him to go to for advice on certain things or even just to go to our favorite coffee shop, sit and people watch (that was our thing on sundays) is always just a punch in the gut everytime I think about how much I want those things but quickly remember, I cant have them. If I can take away any posotives from this whole experience though, it would be that it has made me appreciate time with friends and loved ones more and to appreciate life and all of the beautiful little moments that come with it. I dont think ill ever in my life get over losing my dad but, time has definitely made it easier

  54. I just lost my daddy on Nov.27 2012 . He was my hero,he never did wrong in my eyes,and not even my husband could amount to the man he was! I’m so lost that sometimes it physically impossible to do anything! My mother is so lost they was married for 36yrs. He was our everything ! I also have a older brother and sister we are all very close! It’s crazy how we r really but lately it’s like we don’t know what to say to each other bc of the grief we are experiencing ! To give you a idea of what happen to him! Thanksgiving morning he had a massive heart attack the widow maker! But my daddy made it that hospital was packed with our family! We all stayed the night to wouldn’t leave him! So he stayed there for 6 days we called him our miricale man! The day he came home he wasn’t home maybe 30mins ! I had talked to them bc I was heading to my daughters game . My mom hugged and kissed him so she could go back to town to get his medicine . My brother was at work him and my dad worked together. My older sister was at there house daddy told her he was going to get a bath! Then she heard something went to the bathroom floor 3breaths he took! My sister worked on him until the emt got there! Then I got the call get to hospital he was gone ! As i sit here tell the story I want to scream I’m mad ! Bc my daddy should still be here he was to young and to good to all of us my mom,my brother,sister,and myself,6 grand kids , and the rest of his family !! I’m so sad to where I’m just going through the motions! He was only 54 !! I’m so heart broken my life will never be the same ever! I’ve got so much anger about this !

  55. Your words have resonated with me…Having lost my dad almost 5 months ago. Although I knew he was terminally ill, still I was not ready to lose him. You see… my dad had been fighting cancer for almost 8 years. He went from prostate cancer to lung cancer and finally brain cancer. Through it all we were a team, I
    became his caregiver and his cheerleader. It was so hard at times that I thought it would break me.
    See my father was a kind,courageous and loving human being. Watching him go from a youthful, active and cheerful man of 62 to losing his ability to walk, talk, his lucidity…it ripped my heart out. How do you move forward after loosing a part of your personal history? Remember we’re not talking about a character in a movie, book or tv show here. I’m talking about my daddy…you know the guy who made me laugh even when I was crying. The guy who gave me hugs, smiles and encouragement. The guy who was suppose to walk me down the aisle whenever I decided to marry. The guy who was supposed to be an awesome grandad to my kids. My safe space in this world…and now he’s gone. How do I make sense of such a loss? Five months later, I still don’t understand how that’s suppose to happen.

  56. I just wanted to thank you for your writing and all of the others on here sharing their stories and personal grief with each other. I am in the same boat as each of you. I am 35 and my dad passed away this year at 65 years old. I spoke to him at 10pm one night and he sounded tired but I was moving in the morning and he wanted to tell me to have a safe trip and that he was thinking of me and loved me. At 5am I got a call from my dads wife that he had a Severe Stroke of the brain stem at between 12:00 – 1:00AM. They flew him to a trauma center and when I arrived he was on life support. He did wake up enough to squeeze my hand when I spoke to him and nod at times when I asked him a question. One day was a very good day and he took his hand and felt my face and patted my head over and over. He was still being a dad to me in the end. He could not talk, eat, drink or move otherwise. He was getting very bad and the doctors said he was terminal and we had to make the decision to put him into Hospice type care. I miss him everyday. I force myself to stay busy so that I am not entrenched in this terrible grief. A previous poster was right when she said it is like a club you never knew existed and don’t want to be a part of. I still pick up the phone to call my dad and he has been gone 7.5 months. When the realization hits that he is not there I am devastated. Some people I try to talk to avoid any conversation. My husband even says I need to move forward but he has not experienced his parents death yet and I never want him to know how this feels. I keep wondering why dad and I never talked about death and how he felt with his parents and the emotions so that I was prepared. We talked about wills, medical directives, power of attorney but never the devastating life altering emotion of loosing a parent. This week is my birthday and this is the first year I don’t want to celebrate. My dad used to say every year that the president was going to cancel all birthdays in March as a joke. This year I want it cancelled because the hurt of him not being here for it is just to much. I could go on for a long time but in the end I wanted to say thank you! I now know that I am not different then anyone else and that my grief and sadness is not something that needs a cure and it is okay to grieve. Your post is so important and I hope you truly know how grateful I am for you posting it and to all of those that have responded. Thank you!

  57. I lost my dad 2 weeks ago today, and it was very unexpected. I feel that I’ve been in such a haze that, I haven’t let myself grieve yet. I feel like people, that havent been in my position, act like the “grieving” time is over. It hasn’t even begun yet. I’ve been trying to be strong for my younger sons, my mom, and brother. My head will not let me face that my dad is gone. I really don’t start crying until I think that 2 weeks from tomorrow we took my dad off life support and I was there until God took him. My heart is broken, I have never gone a day without seeing or talking to him. It’s been two weeks, since I last talked, hugged, and kissed my dad. He was such a happy man, and touched the lives of so many people. I just wish that I had more time with him. My heart breaks for all of you that can relate, but felt good knowing that even when months and years pass, it’s ok to still grieve and cry.

  58. Dear Nadia,

    I lost my father on Dec. 4, 2011 to liver cancer. Even as , he took his last breaths , he was not alone when he passed. It’s been a little over a year that he’s been gone & it doesn’t get easier at times. Sometimes I feel like its getting harder to handle. I’m 37 yrs old & I still need my father. He was such a wonderful father to me that it feels like I’m living in a dream because I still can’t believe that he’s gone. He’s positive look on life, his funny jokes he would tell me, his cooking or just simply being able to pick up the phone when I wanted to call him, or driving over to see him. All of this is gone now. The dreams are the best, at first when he passed I had a few weird ones. One was of him laying in his coffin and him looking ill still and all of a sudden he sits up and says hi mija with a smile and before I know it we were at my grandmas house and he looked to be in his mid 30s, I was talking & laughing with him & than all of sudden he says he has to go now but he’s always going to be with me. I woke up so amazingly happy. But than theres a piece of you that’s sad because you wish it wasn’t a dream and that he was here with you. There are days when I’m really ok and then there’s those days when your heart really aches and I miss him. I find myself crying the most for my dad is when im driving. My dads birthday is coming up tomorrow March 14, he would of turned 66, I don’t know if it has anything to do about special dates, but I’ve been dreaming about him almst every night in last week. They are good dreams of my dad. Thank you for your blog , it feels good being able to let this out.

    1. Why not have a birthday party for your Dad. Place some happy pictures of him, maybe with family, prepare a nice meal and spend time sharing with other people who love him.

      1. I’m sorry for your loss as I feel it too. My Dad was an amazing man, not perfect…but a good person that forgave and was present in my life always. I know what you mean about it not being easier with time, it’s been 10 months for me this week. Daily, almost hourly he is in mind. I feel him with me every time I go for a walk, as that was our routine. I can almost feel myself slipping my arm thru his as I walk, as I did quite often when he was well. After 8 years of illness he finally slipped away. Even though it does not lesson my pain , I realize how lucky I am to have had a father like him in my life. So many people do not have that opportunity, although at times I did not appreciate it. I know at the end he knew it and that’s all that matters. I want to share with you that greatfulness, because we all do not get the option of having such wonderful, special men in our lives. Miss them YES, love them & remember them YES. But remember how blessed you were to have him in the first place, even though it was shorter than you/I would have wished.

  59. I lost my daddy last year december, I had just turned 21 in september. It feels so difficult, I’m always sad,crying I just miss him terribly. Seeing my lil brother, mom and my nephews hurts even more cause I just feel like he might walk in and give me a big hug and a kiss like he used to. The other day my uncle was wearing his shirt and he looked just like him, I was hoping he would come back and say it was just a dream but he’s not back and life is just so hard for me! I know I won’t get through it in 2months but accepting is difficult and I realy feel like my crying all the time is making him sad cause he can see that I’m not happy and there is nothing he can do about it.

    I try to look on the bright side and say to myself @least he’s better now, he was very sick when he passed and now I’m sure he’s healed and not in pain anymore. The thought of having kids someday and them not knowing their grandfather just breaks my heart, He trully was a great man!

  60. Just wanted to say thank you for writing this post! Im 21 and lost my father last year. This post was very helpful for me! THANKS and stay strong, love from australia!

  61. My freshman year of college, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. A year later (10/29/13, almost exactly a year to the day) he passed away due to complications after being in the hospital for a week. I’ve been through a lot of stages since then. I’m only 19, and my dad was only 60, so a lot of me feels robbed of the time that my older siblings got to have with my dad. His mother, who is 92, outlived him, and I cannot even imagine how horrible this is for her.

    Generally I’ve been doing okay, I guess. The first few months were bad, what with thanksgiving and Christmas. After a few months, I was able to talk about him without crying. I still pretend that he’s still alive to people I meet because I don’t want to explain everything to them.

    Recently, while falling asleep, I lay in bed and watch whatever shows I can to distract myself, but I never start anything past 1. If I’m not tired enough to pass out, I start crying within five minutes and lay there for hours sobbing. I thought I was past this and am really disappointed in myself for returning to this form of mourning. Has anyone else experienced this slump around the six month mark/how did you deal with it? Thanks.

  62. My Dad passed away suddenly on March 15 2013 from a brain stem bleed. He was 76 years old. We were spending a great month together on vacation when it happened. We thought he was getting better and then within 5 hours everything went downhill and he died! His death was peaceful and beautiful. It was a blessing to have been with him along with my Mom and all the family. I held his right hand and I told my Mom to hold his left hand. I said “Dad Mom and I will walk with you and we won’t let go of your hands until you take hold of Jesus’s hands” Exactly at that moment my Dad raised his head and obviously saw something very special, he lowered his head and took 3 very shallow breaths and from the top of his forehead he started to turn white almost like a ghost was coming over his body then his face turn white and then his arms and hands and right down to his toes. He was in such peace and we just watched his spirit leave. We could see he left. We all looked up in the room and told my Dad “we love you, we’ll see you soon”. Non of us were ready for his death and it was super unexpected. We were all extremely close to my Dad and spoke with him daily. He was a very active father with us kids throughout our life. He always playing with us for hours as kids, baked for us and brought us supper to work just as an excuse to see us. He helped fix anything and everything and he lived to be there for us all the time. He was a very loving man and show Gods love to everyone. His faith was what brought him through the death of his dad at 16 and his brother at 18 and his cousin and best friend at 19 and his first wife in his twenties and his 2 year old son drowning and his Mom dying and his sister dying young to cancer. My Dad became disabled through various back surgery’s that didn’t turn out but he never complained. He was a man of gratitude. NOTHING made my Dad bitter. He became closer and closer to Jesus Christ and he had an extreme peace and love in him. He was an amazing example of Gods love! When he died he was at complete peace and no one had a page unturned with my Dad. Everyone had proper closure and God was clearly present for us all. I have not fallen apart nor has anyone in the family. Yes, we have had our times of tears but the security in knowing where Dad is calms us. Calling on God and all the prayers of others has held us in Gods loving arms. This life is like a dot in comparison to eternity. This life is a preparation for our Eternity. In perspective it is short until we will be together “forever” when our hearts and lives are right with our maker. I know we will have many many days where we miss our loving Dad but we are never alone in our grief, nor is this life long. I encourage anyone who is suffering loss to call on God to be your strength. He pulled my dad through so many deaths of very close loved ones and Gods love and strength is pulling my family and I through his sudden death of my Dad as well. I found these passages helpful in understanding a little bit of what heaven is like http://jesusalive.cc/ques189.htm
    I hope you find comfort in the comfort of our experience.

    1. Hey Tricia – my Dad died the same day, but he had been sick for years. He was also 76! A few days before he passed, he told my stepmom and the doctors that he didn’t want to be intubated again, nor did he want a feeding tube. My stepmom told him “well, Bob, we’re really in God’s territory now, aren’t we?” to which he replied “I always have been.” :) He was so ready to go home and rest in the arms of our God and Savior. Thank you for the link! God bless you and your family.

  63. Hello everyone. I just very recently lost my daddy…on March 23. I just feel wierd. Daddy had been pretty ill the last few years. We have had a lot of ups and downs with his health really since 2002 when he had to have a tripple bypass and a pacemaker/defrubulator put in. He did really well with it until 2 years ago, when he began having lung problems. He had been a smoker for years, so we attributed it to that. His right lung kept filling with fluid, and we later found out that the lung was completely encased in scar tissue and was non functioning. The last 2 years have been hell on him. Unable to breathe at times, on oxygen 24/7. He also had congestive heart failure and diabetes. But daddy never lost his sense of humor. He could always make us smile. On March 21, he was put in the hospital because he just was not feeling well…could not keep anything on his stomach, really no appetite. They did a chest xray and he had pneumonia. At this point all they could do was make him comfortable, which he was not. He was very restless, still not eating. I was there Thursday afternoon, that evening, and Friday. The last time I saw him was Friday evening. His oxygen levels had dropped so they were giving him more O2, but he seemed to be very agitated, moving around a lot, messing with the oxygen mask, and intently staring at the ceiling.He was having a very difficult time breathing. I think subconsiously, I knew he was in the process of leaving us, but did not have it in the front of my mind. I visited with him for a little while, told him that I loved him so much, and he knew, and he told me to give his “grand”, which is my first grand daughter who will be 2 in May, a kiss from her “papa”, which is what she called him. I told him I would see him in the morning, and again that I loved him. I left him in the hands of my step mother, who has been with us since my mom passed in 1994. On the morning of the 23rd at 3:25 am, the doctor called and said he had passed. Of course even though I had a feeling it was close, it still sent me into a wave of not being able to catch my breath and crying. When we walked into the hospital room, amazingly, I felt nothing but peace. He was no longer struggling to find his breath, and was so peaceful looking. the last 3 days I was in turbo mode, making preparations for my dads burial yesterday. Incedently, my dad was in the funeral business for a lot of years. I suddenly realized that I had learned so much from him on that subject. I felt him orchestrating the entire thing, through me. Now all I am left with is the memories of the last few days, and it is hitting me hard. My daddy was my best friend. I could always count on him for sound advice. I was so blessed to be able to be here for him and help him in any way I could, be it taking lunch to him, or to take his grand over for a visit – he loved her SO much. I am grateful that he got to be a part of her young life, and am hoping that she will somehow remember her papa. Now I just feel empty, drained, and so emotionally tired. I don’t think I have ever been this tired. And I am realizing for the first time, that this is the first time I have been on this planet without my daddy. I don’t know what the next days, weeks or months will bring. I just know that I am so sad right now. I just burst into tears walking across the grocery store parking lot this morning. It was so wierd. Was so thankful to find this site. It allowed me to release some things.

    1. Dottie – I’m so sorry for your loss. I just lost my Dad the Friday before you lost yours. His situation was very similar. He had heart problems, COPD, and Parkinson’s. He had been in ICU for pneumonia and was intubated. He came off the respirator 3 days before he died and told my stepmom and the doctors that he didn’t want to be intubated again, nor did he want a feeding tube. They turned off his defibrillator on Thursday just before sending him home. He slept one last night in bed with my stepmom and died with all of us by his side the very next morning. I’m still in shock that he’s gone. Praying for you and your heart!

  64. I’m 16 & I lost my dad 5/3 & been having so much trouble actually coming to terms that he’s no longer with us, I still get up & get ready to go & see him asif would have normally, then my mum has to remind me that he’s dead, I cannot get out the denial stage :'( if someone could help that would be amazing!

    1. Emma-Louise, I strongly advise you to see a grief councillor to walk you through this. You are so young and you need help understanding the steps to take to put your dad to rest in your mind. Everyone grieves differently and for various periods of time. I just lost my father tonight so I can’t quite get my thoughts to come out properly. Sorry for that. Be well.

  65. I just lost my Dad on 3/15/13. He was sick for years, but his passing was still the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I was right by his side when he took his last breath – his chest was heaving and he had the terrible “death rattle”, and I was trying to make him comfortable. The whole experience has haunted me. I just want to know that he wasn’t in pain and wasn’t suffering. If I had it to do over again, I would have just held his hand and sung softly to him as he headed home. I have good days and bad. Today has been rough. I miss him so much.

  66. I just lost my father tonight. Just 3 hours ago. He was being prepped for surgery and was feeling great and calm. The last words he heard were me saying I love you. We caught each others eye as he suddenly died from heart failure. Just 73 years young. His body hated him though and made life hard so I’m trying to see the light in hs death. He is free and finally at home with his darling daughter. If it weren’t for my 13 year old son in the next room, I would curl up in a ball for a few months. Thank you for this blog. Thank you reassuring me that I don’t need to move on anytime soon. I am free to grieve, cry, scream, weap and have a little emotional break down!!

  67. I am 18 now and my dad died once i was five of cancer and for his last months of living he was in his bed slowly dieing each day. i always used to help him walk and talk to him in his bed. on march 30 he took his last breath at noon.
    After all of these years I am still not over his loss and i think of him everyday and have day dreams about him.
    help me get over his loss!

  68. Dad passed away February 18, 2013. It is the hardest thing I have ever went through in my life so far. Reading all of these life events of people that feel the same way is a comfort most people can not offer. It is an experience that you do not understand until it happens to you. I feel like my entire world fell to pieces. I was just getting to know my Dad again before he passed away. I feel cheated and wanted more time but at the same time I didn’t want him to suffer anymore than he had to. I have good days then bad days but most of all I try not to think about my brothers’ and sister’s suffering because that makes it worse to see their pain. I do the best I can to offer them comfort and to be strong but my heart is broken. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me and I was grieving to hard until I read the experiences on this site. It is a relief to be able to share the experience of pain with other daughters that have been through the pain and understand what it is like. Thank you all for sharing.

  69. Im sorry for your loss! I cried reading your post. It hit close to home for me. I was 14 when my daddy had a sevre stroke & took his speech & most of his self with it. When i was 24 he passed away one week after his 58th birthday. Im 28 now & it still upsets me so bad. I dont have many pictures of him & he was always on the road as a trucker when i was little so i have a hard picturing him in a better state most of the time i’ll get mental pictures of him how i found him when he passed. I dont know how to deal with this. I dont like to talk about it to my hubby cuz he lost his mom when he was 21 & he gets very upset. He cares but talking does not seem to help him. My brother has heart problems & a pacemaker so i dont want to add stressful talks to him & my mother only talks negative about my dad. But with all that said i just wanted to vent & say i appreciated your post. God bless.

  70. I felt that lost at the same age. THat day shortly thereafter is when I knew I was a Grown Woman. Every choice I made had to be own. Thanks for this.

  71. My dad was just diagnosed with esophagus cancer in Jan 2013, we were told that with chemo and rad he can get up to 6-9 months without it he would be gone in 3 months. So me and my mom pushed him to get the treatments because we wanted him around. I took him to all of his app with my mom and stayed throw all the treatments. On april 9 it was my moms birthday and then on april 11 it was there 43 wedding anniversary, my mom was 16 and my dad was 20 when they got married. On april 17, 2013 once again me and my mom brought him to the hospital because he was vomiting blood, I never brought my dad home that night, he passed away at 7:44 pm. My heart and soul hurt. I blame myself for putting through those treatments for nothing and for taking him to the hospital that day. All i do is cry and hurt, and watching my mother even brakes my heart even more.

  72. My Dad passed on 1/6/13 suddenly in his sleep…he was wheelchair bound for 38 years due to an accident…I am his only biological child…my grandparents are still alive 83 & 93 yrs old. My Grandma is at home hospice…I’ve been left with taking care of them & attempting to take over his home accounting business…no will, no nothing…I’m overwhelmed with everything on top of being a wife and a mommy to 2 young lil boys…but the most difficult part is missing him…I called him everyday since he & mom separated 33 yrs ago…EVERYDAY several times a day & some days I’m ok some days I’m not! Like today… My hearts heavy, I came home in tears, screaming to let all of this hurt out… a huge piece of me is missing that no one not even my children can fill…I was Daddy’s little girl…my 39 th bday is next month & I cringe at the thought of not hearing my dads voice idk how To begin to heal ….

  73. My dad died just two days ago, on April 24.
    He had a major stoke in December and was working on recovering, but it was just too much for his heart. He was 79.

    I cried all day on Wednesday, but since then I’ve gotten numb. It feels like it could not have happened…like there is no way he is actually gone.

    He was a great dad, and he left me with so many good things to remember. Now it’s up to me to figure out how to be in this world without him, and I know in my heart that will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

  74. Hi…I ended up stumbling up on your blog because I google searched ” lossing father”. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
    Its been almost a decade in six more months this year since I’ve lost my father. I’ve always tried to look at the brighter side, having a mother who still can support her children after losing her husband, still being able to live everyday to help others but there are some days I feel so drained, like i’ve been lying to myself that I am ok. I do not feel as if I will ever find peace with it but I do find comfort in the fact I am never alone. Thank you for this post!

  75. I found your story amazing. It is like me expressing my own experience and feelings. I lost my father 2 months ago at age of 64 to a sudden death. Im 34 ,i would say, it is one of the most painful and hard experiences one could pass through if not the hardest! I just keep praying to ” God give me strength and patience to live with this pain” . Im lost, empty, little child who doesnt want or need except her father. I feel ur pain and share it with every single word u said. I wouldnt have wrote it better.

  76. Hi.

    I lost my dad in 12/4 2008 I was 19. He died after a 3 year battle with cancer. Still till today i have not really accepted it. I have similar experiences with dreams, but mine are not peace full, i see my father in pain as he was in hospital, and i can not get over how my father, the strongest person in my life was to pass and leave us so soon. I is hard for me to accept that he will not be there for my graduation in two years, he will not see my siblings grow up and not be there for my brothers wedding, it was not in ours plans, but hamdollillah.

    The dreams i have are so intense, that i can not sleep normally anymore. I tought i was getting better at coping with the grief, but it doesn´t get easier for me, today 5 years after still the pain can come like waves just keeping me down for days. But i do have good periods in wich i remember all the happy times to, and it is these periods that keep me going.

    I just wanted to say that i realy understand how it is not to have your dad around. I was dad´s girl, i feel like i have lost a big part of my identity. I hope that one day i can come to the point o acceptance….

  77. I’m 34, and I lost my father October 11th, 2011. He suffered with cancer for three long and difficult years. Seeing such a strong, hard-working man shrivel and lose his hair and his ability to walk very well was too painful to bear. He cried once, when his pain was too intense to cope with one night. I’d never seen my dad cry until then. My parents adopted me and loved me as though I were their own. They were supportive, caring, and they brought me up in an amazing and loving household. I took it for granted. I wasn’t able to visit my dad much those last few days in the hospital. When I got the call, I remember the long walk down the white hallway towards my mom being embraced by the pastor on duty and a nurse. She turned to me and said “We lost him, he’s gone.” I had a few minutes alone with him as he laid in that bed, his face peaceful at last. I took his hand and I told him the one thing I hadn’t said since I was his ‘little rabbit bunny’s at age four. I told him I loved him. I told him I was sorry. I spilled my heart. Too late, but I know he heard me. When I let go, those calloused hands worn down from years of working hard and taking care of myself and my mom were already growing cold. I took it hard. Inwardly. I had to be strong for mom. That was my mantra. Daily. I kept my tears inside. The guilt and regret and pain hit me two days later. And I still experience it every single day. I look at his photo and wonder why I was never beside him on that fishing boat. I should have and could have done so much more for a man who sat in pain for 3 hours beside me while I watched the new Harry Potter movie. He slept mostly, but he did it for me. My last memory that I treasure is him and I sitting on a park bench in Branson, Missouri. It was fall and the sun was setting the leaves all around us in a beautiful, fiery light. We sat in silence and shared a bag of chips and a drink. It was memorable, because I didn’t share near enough experiences like that with him. My mother is 66 now and still broken over him. They were high school sweethearts. He was all she knew. She doesn’t want to live most days. She says she wants to join him. I do too. I nearly tried, twice. My pain and guilt is that great. I disappointed them both a lot, and I basically spit on the gift that Got had given me; them. I should have been better. Yes, I know, it’s in the past and I need to forgive myself and move on. I’ve tried ever since I held that cold hand in mine. And failed. Sorry to carry on. There is so much to my story. I’m still letting my mom down, but she isn’t aware of what I’m going through. And I will never destroy what little shred of life she’s clinging to at this point. So I lie. I tell her I have food when I’m hungry for days. I tell her I have a nice new apartment when I’m living in my truck for 7 months, and I hide well my pill addiction that I began the morning of my dad’s funeral. Everything had gone so very wrong since he died. Parts of her and I died. It’s still so surreal. I question reality sometimes. This wasn’t supposed to happen to my family. Not to such a kind and Godly man and a giving, loving Christian wife that depended on him. To end, it isn’t easy. And some deal a hell of a lot worse than others. I have repetitive thoughts at night and sometimes during the day of that cold hand, his paling skin, the day he stumbled and nearly fell when trying to check out my truck for safety measures only weeks before he died. I lost part of my world. And when my mom passes, my life will be at its end. No other loves me as those two did. I have no solid connections to this world, no urge to remain without that steadfast love she still provides. No one desires to live out their remaining days dragging about their immense guilt and regret, and loss. No one wants to die alone. I pray every one of you find peace, find ways to cope, find ways to remember them in the best light possible. There is healing, and God never forsakes his children. Good luck.

  78. Salaam Nadia
    I lost my dad 15days ago. He was burnt in his factory. Was in ICU on the repirator for 2weeks b4 he passed away. We did not recognise him. He swelled up so much, but even with ccomplications of diabetes n him being 63, the doc still gave us hope, while the nurses spoke truth and the doc askin us not 2 listen2 the nurses. Da day of his death I asked the nurse for details, she told me he was critical but not that she was saying he iss dying. Again they gave us a hope,but our hearts somehow sank at the change of course he took. Even after that my mum called the doc that evening and as always he said there was no crisis n he is doing fine. That very night the hospital called and asked us 2 go. My bros,sis inlaw,mum,my husbnd and myself rushed to thhe hosp n met my dads bro n hiss family. We al wher in shock.but we stood around him praying the Kalima until his organs shut down because his lungs colasped.he had internal burns as well. I stood at his feet holding on n every1 else around his bed.we read until his last breathe. I kissed his head after. I’m 31. My dads only daughter n he is my pillar of strength. I don’t know I feel. It dint look like him 4rm day1 of the fire,til his funeral day. I know he passed on.I went 2 hiss grave,but stil I couldn’t give a hearty cry. Only a few times. I love my dad more dan anythg in dis temp world. But cnt I feel da pain n hurt like I xpected 2 feel da day he passes on? I miss him. I spok2 him everyday, him n mum visited me every wknds(I live ina diff city) he is my best frend,my backbone. I get da pain in my hrt al da time.a sinking feeling n pain through my back n I’d shed a few tears.but I don’t wana dwell on it cos if I allow myslf I’d neva pick myslf out of it again. I have2 b strong 4 mum n elder bros. I cnt let em c me cry or my weakness. I don’t hav support 4rm family in dis city I live wit n my hussband isn’t muc help.but I cnt console my family and ders no1 2console me. Infct dis email isn’t makin any sense 2 me. My emotions/feelings seem 2 contradict itslf. Cos I do feel. But I jus cnt xplain. I’m lost. Reading all the messages of others helped me realise I’m not alone, but how I feel…. I am still alone with that. May *⌣͡«̊͡♡̊͡»Allah(s.w.t) make it ez 4 us all. آمين

  79. Thank you for your blog .. I buried my dad last Thursday .. Now the funeral is over I should be ok … No I’m not .. I feel like I am going mad … My partner I just want him to leave me alone he doesn’t understand never experienced death let alone his dad .. My dad was all I had he was my everything .. I looked after him till the end he was 69 I am 42 I feel robbed .. I can’t cry for more than a minute or two I feel like I don’t have a minute to myself even at the grave I feel like I’m on a time limit .. My children are over it but I gave never felt do lost I feel like I should be crying every day unable to cope but I to cope and I cry inside .. My sister is on antidepressants but I was his sole Carer … I can’t believe he is gone .. I went to ring him yesterday … I organized everything on my own .. His funeral .. Registering his death … Clearing out his flat … I don’t know what’s going on inside me but I am scared that its going to hit me like a steam train xxxx

  80. I lost my dad three years ago when i was 24. I too cant seem to get a handle on who im suppose to share my happy or sad with. I dont knoq how to be me with out him.

    1. Tomorrow it will be a year since I buried my father. I haven’t gone a day without flashing to a memory of him. As dads girl we spent a lot of time together…camping, hiking, puttering. I feel like a part of me is missing as well. I’m trying to focus on positive things and move forward with my life, but I don’t know who I am to move on with. Feel stuck too…I’m hoping by pretending I am okay, will eventually become fact.

  81. Hi
    I’m dealing with the death of my dad who died April 29/13. I was so strong during the the funeral preparations and even during the service. But after it was all done, the next days ahead has been really rough. He’s all I think of and it’s consuming my life. I don’t know how to go on.

  82. I really appreciate the post. It’s going on two weeks since I lost my father and I miss him dearly. Even tho he isn’t my biological father I looked at him like he was because since I was young that’s all I knew. I miss him so much ho. Even tho I told him I love himall the time, I still wonder if he actually knew how much I loved him. I will never forget the day he died.,May 7 2013. When I got the call I didn’t want to see him cause I was afraid I might have “lost it”. I I wish I would have kissed him and told him I love him one last time in person. I heart and cry almost everyday. I try and keep myself busy so I wouldn’t have to think about it. And at one point I thought I was doing better because I didn’t cry that day but then today comes and he is the 1st thought that came to mind. I cried so hard. I asked God why and still no response as usual. I wonder if my father is sleeping peacefully even when I cry for him. I pray and hope he is cause I can’t get rid of the hurt no matter how hard I try. Thanks again for the post.

  83. I lost my dad last week suddenly…One day he was fine and the next he was really sick and was rushed to hospital. The funeral was two days ago and I am absolutely crushed and destroyed. I don’t think I can ever feel happiness again. I’m only 24 and still in school graduating in the fall so my dad will miss my college graduation, me getting married, having children, etc. and that just kills me and makes me even wonder why bother trying to do all these things if I have no one to share the moments with. I’m having a hard time just getting up in the morning and trying to resume “normal” life. Does it ever get easier?

    1. Everyday is hard but you learn to cope. Cry everyday if you need too, it’s okay,that was your dad. My dad also was taken for me and he missed special events in my life and my kids life. It hurts but idk why this happens, what I do know is we all have our day, were here on borrowed time. We need to live everyday with love and live it as if it were our last because we are here today gone tomorrow. When I lost my dad I cried and yelled but eventually had to go back to my daily routine, my life, kids,work and know in my heart my father wouldn’t want to see me sad. I’m sure neither would your dad. If this makes any sense. It’s too fresh right now but someday you will understand. Go through the motions of your feelings and don’t shun yourself from life.

  84. I lost my father in April this year. I never thought it would feel so bad. I thought I would somehow handle it since he was 80 and suffering from heart disease but nothing prepared me for the grief of losing him. As you say, the first month was so bad I would weep almost all day. My husband and kids are understanding and know just how much I miss him. I never thought I’ll miss him and wish I had spent more time with him. I am now very gentle with my mother and try to spend time with her. I still haven;t got over it. A friend of mine said it best when she said you get used to it. But you never get over it. Daughters out there, please be gentle with your elderly parents and spend time with them. When they are gone, you will miss them so so much.

  85. I just lost my few days ago. I am heartbroken. I do very well at hiding it as i am so far from the rest of my family. I felt sick in my stomach all day, this is a feeling i have never expderienced before. I am in shock a lot of the time I miss him so much. Thank you for sharing, it really touched my heart

  86. Very glad to come across your blog, I lost my father on May 20th, 2013 to an aneurysm and I honestly dont know what to do. I am only 27…and I feel like I am a little girl again, just completely lost. Thank you for your honesty, its refreshing to hear from someone who has an idea of what I am going through, thank you.

  87. I know that this was posted over a year ago but I delt the need to reply anyway.

    I have just read your post and can really relate to what you are going through. It is coming up to six months since I lost my dad at the age of 21. Like you, for a couple of months I went through a phase of feeling like I was getting better, or at least I thought I was. I think the 6 months mark is the first anniversary in which a significant chunk of time has passed, and I think this scares me – how has time gone so fast? How has it already been nearly a year since I saw his face?

    I miss him so much, just as I know you miss your dad too. I finish university in a month and have had so many achievements in reaching graduation since dad died and everytime he is the first person I want to talk to – even now I sometimes still go to reach my phone only to realise that he is unreachable.

    Losing a parent, or anyone who you hold most dear to you, is one of the toughest emotional battles in life – I wish the best of luck and love to anyone who happens to be reading this comment who is in the same position.

  88. I am so glad I found your blog. It’s so hard to lose a Parent. My Dad died 4 months ago and some days are harder than others. I just had a melt down (Crying episode again) and felt I had to read someone else’s experience because it’s just so hard. I thought I was doing okay but it seems to change all the time. Thank you for your honesty.

  89. Mallory I can sooooo relate to this. I lost my dad, tomorrow will be a month. Mine too died suddenly at the young age of 63. I am 38. I have had complete out loud wailings everyday and each day I beg for a sign or dream, anything to feel he is still with me. So far nothing. I pray you find your sign of comfort soon.

  90. I lost my Dad a year ago on March 4th 2012. I got on the internet to see if I could find someone who feels my pain, so here I am sitting here writing this after reading so many stories that sound like mine. There are so many people that are feeling the same way I do and I just didn’t know it, My Dad was a good provider but he was a hard man to get close to. I always told myself it was because he had a hard life growing up..{losing his father at the age of 18yrs old} living through the “Great Depression”, being the only one to take care of his mother till the day she died and she lived to be 93. I always felt like I was always trying to “earn” his love. Silly huh? I always loved dad no matter what. I was the one taking care of him at the end, he had dementia. My husband and I left a home in N.C. and moved in with my parents to help out. We had no help from anyone and let me tell you some days I thought I would lose my mind. If it wasn’t for the good Lord above I would have. My problem now is the emotions are very over-whelming, the tears come a lot of times all of a sudden. I guess night time is the hardest for me, I’m still listening for him to come down the hall.[Dementia patients roam a lot at night.} My mom is still living here with us in the house I grew up in. I thank God every day for her , she’s a cancer survivor. Dad was 81 when he died and I am 47 but you know when you lose a parent you feel like you are 3 years old again, least I do. Things change and I am not good with change but truthfully who is when it comes down to losing someone that you love. Thanks to who ever reads this, and sorry for your loss what ever it may be.

    1. I am 45 too, and lost my dad a year ago (5/11/12) after his 8 year battle with parkinson’s and dementia. My mom (who was also ill) and I took care of him and your comment about roaming at night is so true. I don’t think my mother got more than 1 or 2 hours sleep at a time for over a year…then melatonin saved us. My heart aches for the loss of my father, but I am trying to remember how lucky I was to be able to take care of him when he most needed it and how extremely fortunate I was to have a Dad that was incredible…many people are not so lucky. Know that you are not alone in going through this loss and thank you for sharing. This forum has helped me to realize there are many feeling the same way we do.

  91. I am 34 yrs old, I lost my dad 6 months ago and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. We had a very close relationship. It all started 7 years ago when he was diagnosed with stage 2 lung cancer. I’ll never forget that day, I held him so tight and made him promise to me that he will fight, and he did! My dad had to receive radiation every day for weeks, third degree burns from it and chemo once a week for 4 hrs each session. When he went into remission he had to have pet scans every 3 months. His oncologist said he was a miracle. Cancer gone with no surgery. AMAZING!! As time went on my dad embraced life, loved his family and was strong as ever. Just last July he was admitted into the hospital for breathing issues and a number of falls,turns out he had water in one lung. Fortunately, the dr was able to drain it. He felt so much better but had to be admitted into a rehab/nursing home in August :( I will say it again, my dad was a fighter and I am nothing but proud of how he dealt with all of this. At first rehab was going ok and then it just seemed like he knew before all of us what was happening to him. He was dying and just wanted to show us that he wasn’t giving up. My siblings and I were at the nursing home everyday and every night so that he wasn’t alone. As time went on my dad couldn’t walk anymore and eventually couldn’t talk and lost his appetite, they say losing the ability to do these things were a sign that death is approaching. I would sneak into his room at night and rest my head on his belly and just sob. I couldn’t bear the fact that I was losing my daddy. November 17th we had the scare of our lives. As my mom,sisters,brother,brother in law,nieces and myself were sitting with him(I of course was laying in the bed with him rubbing his head) his lungs started to fill with fluid, it sounded like he was drowning. The nurses came in and started suction. I was telling him it was ok to go that we didn’t want him to suffer. He kept shaking his head NO.. Finally, things calmed down, they gave him more morphine and he rested. That night my siblings and I stayed with him until about 2am. I didn’t want to leave but I also didn’t want to stay alone(I was petrified) so I went home too. I went back at 5am, how can I rest knowing my daddy was all alone. I’m glad I went back, I got to spend some one on one time with him. I know he was listening to me talk to him. I told him how much I loved him and I knew what was happening and it was ok. God needed him. I made him promise me to always give me signs that he is with me. (He does) my sister arrived at 9:30am so I went home to talk to my daughter (who was beside herself, she was only 10) as I was on my way back to him with my mom, I recieved a phone call that my dad passed away. I am still and will always have a hard time dealing with his passing, my dad was my world. I love and miss you so much daddy, you are always in my thoughts and in my heart. Until we meet again. R.I.P Melvin Simon 1-1-37 – 11-18-12 I will never forget you <3

  92. I’ve lost my father when I was 14, I’m 18 now.And seeing all these comments,you are actually “lucky ” because you spend few more years longer with your parent. I could say that my life since then changed from it’s roots. I don’t suffer from any kind of depression,but I’m very closed person, and sometimes I just feel like giving up..People say you need to deal with that and move on, but you know what, I can’t deal with that shit, and I can’t stop blaming the universe and everything around me, I’m so fucking angry child and I will never accept that. If there is a God, I want fucking explanation,even though I think there will never be a good enough explanation for this.
    The fact that makes me even more bitter is when people advice me to pray. Pray maybe gives me some sort of inner peace, but that’s not good enough for me. I don’t want inner peace, I just want things to be the way they were before. I know it’s not possible. What’s even more possible is for me to forget, to heal and to accept his death.
    We will never smile again,talk, play Wow (yes, I admit you are better :P even though you press need for every epic drop out you don’t need HAHAahahahaha), you will never do the crazy ride with your beloved car,no movies and I won’t get the chance to finally listen full story about Frankestein.
    If there’s a chance ( I know I sound crazy) you will see this or hear my thoughts, I want you to know that I fucking hate you for not taking better care of yourself and for leaving us. I hate even more your doctor who persuaded you that you’re fine and healthy.
    Your emotionally crippled favorite best daughter ever.<3

  93. I was struggling with my own health issues when my dad became sick just before Christmas of 2012 after some testing we found out in Jan 2013 he had esphagus cancer. He did radiation and chemo treatments fighting for his life. Then on April 17 my mom called and said he wasnt feeling good can i help her bring him to the hospital, I said sure and brought him in but I never brought him home. He past away 10 hrs later. I did manage to get all of his grandchildren and great grandchildren there to say goodbye because we where all close and we always had everyones birthdays, graduations, and celebrations were held at my parents house. My dad past away a week before one of his great granddaughters 1st birthdays who was named after his own mother so it was hard. And this week I had my surgery on my kidneys and I brought a picture of my dad and his sweater he wore into the hospital that day with a different outcome for me, but when i went to the pharmacy I realized that it was fathers day this weekend and I don’t have one anymore. We always had a big party because it was his birthday to. This year my dad would have been 64 I am 42. Me and my dad butted heads alot but I loved him I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Sometimes I could cry like A baby for my daddy. My dad also loved my mother and waited to pass away after they celebrated there 43 rd anniversary on April 11

  94. Thank you first and foremost for sharing your stories, once I read them I had tears running down my cheeks while eating my lunch(trying). I also lost my father to a hit and run in Monday 3-18-03 @12:32 am (my dad was killed instant,died at the scene. I had spoke to my dad 4 hrs before this tragic accident happened(Sunday night) I knew my dad had a few beers but with his diabetes as stubborn as he could be, he still drank a few. Still doesn’t take a away or justify this hit and run. I feel as if my dad called to say his good bye’s; because when dad would call, most of the time I missed his call,therefore, he would leave a message. I also felt I was alone in this because my parents were divorced and my sisters didn’t care to carry on due to abuse in our upbringing. I get that and always understood and never faulted them in anyway. I arranged my daddy’s funeral, etc, alone. Had to be strong for my kids and to get things done and over with. I felt alone. I’m aware death comes at all hours of the day but I would think why my daddy or why is this happening to me?! I was all my daddy had. I was daddy’s girl and I could talk to him about anything; I love my daddy. I think of him everyday, almost every minute. I have a lot of support at home and my sisters and sometimes my mom. What also occurred on this same day of 3/18/13 @ 5am or so, a few hrs after my dad being killed, my grandson was born, so every time my Nicholas is a month older or a year older, it will again remind me of my dads anniversary. I honestly didn’t know or how to feel with this circle of life happening. My days are getting better but forgetting I never will. I want to give my condolences to you ladies out there and to tell you that your not alone! What helped me get through this is god, partner, kids and grand babies, my job and most importantly talking about my dad, even though it was going to break my heart thinking about it, it helped me. May god bless you
    And give you comfort.

  95. Thank you for sharing this. You’ve just the nail on the head, as 5 months in, my crack have started to show and I couldn’t understand why. I’m 45 and totally agree that age dosnt matter. My Dad was 66 and died so suddenly. I’ve lost my best friend, my hero, and the most amazing Dad anyone could wish for. Today is Fathers Day in the UK. HAPPY FATHERS DAY Dad xxx.

  96. I lost my dad to bone cancer on July 19th. This is the first Fathers day without him! He was in and out of the hospital for the last 5 mos of his life. He passed away at home with my Mom and myself by his side. I don’t think there is a time frame for healing although I use to hope that there was! ” time heals ” is a mere cliche to me and I’m ok with that now. I don’t think you can put a time frame on grief or pain but rather I have chosen to just ride out the storm! I very much enjoyed what you wrote about your father and I wish you peace in whatever form you can find it! Jennifer

  97. I lost my dad to cancer on 9th of march.This is the first fathers day without him.He was alright all these while only on the 4th march he was admitted to hospital and never come out again.100 days without him ,my life is not the same anymore.I don’t know how long it will take to heal myself but at least i’m try very hard.my dad is my best friend who i can talk to him almost every stuff.sometime i do not feel like talking or doing anything.But i told myself for the sake of my mummy i will be strong. if i’m so heartbroken i think she will be 100 times more than me.Can not believe thing happen too fast for me to react and dad was only 60.In life we must not take thing for granted spend the quality time with your love one because no one will know what will happen next.

  98. My father passed away unexpectedly a little over a month ago. He was admitted to the hospital for cellulitis. He wanted to leave the hospital because they weren’t able to relieve him off the pain in his legs. My sister and I convinced him to stay, saying that they were trying to help him. Two weeks later the doctor decided to discharge him, but said they’d do an angiogram first to check for blocks in his legs. Because he had eaten that day, the test was scheduled for the following day. While having lunch that day in the hospital, my dad choked on his food and ended up going into respiratory distress, cardiac arrest, & due to CPR, multiple clots in the brain. They performed hypothermia protocol, where they froze him for 24hrs then thawed him to preserve brain activity, in the ICU. He was intubated. They said he might be paralyzed, might have speech and swallowing problems, but he over came all of that, was discharged from ICU to a regular floor. God is GREAT! Dad did very well and amazed the doctors. He was disconnected from all IV’s, he began to walk, talk and joke around. His strength was back and he was so grateful to God fif giving him “a new life”. The doctors said that he was ready to go home. My mum and I visited him on the Saturday before mothers’ day, he was happy. He prayed for us, which all his visitors’ admired about him,he prayed for them. He asked me to give him all our phone numbers, which I did. We said goodnight and left. On Sunday morning I heard the phone ring. I thought for sure it was my dad, instead it was his doctor calling to say that my dad was gone…just like that…gone! We were not given a reason, they said that they did not know what happened. They found him sitting up in bed, unresponsive. We still do not know what happened to my dad. I am so angry, confused and sad. My heart has been ripped out. My dad was and always will be my rock, my BEST friend. I always talked to him about every little thing in my life. I cannot bear to look at his pictures or his hand writing. I cannot even bear to see “daddy” listed in my contacts. I think I’m fooling myself into thinking he is still with us, just away somewhere for a while, that I’ll see him again soon, and yet I cry randomly. I cry not for me, but for him. He wanted to live, he loved life. He was so excited about being discharged from the hospital. Daddy wanted to see my son graduate high school, he was so excited about being able to spend the summer with all of us. It is not fair. Still struggling with the how and why. I am hoping there is someone out there who might have experienced something similar and overcame.

    1. Ann, I lost may precious dad the same way and although my heart is broken I take some comfort in knowing I’m to the only one. One of my sons was begging his Pop to try and eat or drink something so he might come home and the next morning he was gone after what the nurse told me was a rough night. When then they told us he had clots we were led to believe the blood thinners may dissolve the clots but then they said he had too much wrong with him and talked him into stopping his medication and one of the clots stopped his heart. I feel cheated and angry and have so many questions, did I fail him by not asking enough questions, could he have been saved. We buried him2 days ago and I can’t bear to,go to work and cry all the time….what is it about daughters and their fathers (when they were this good)? I know I’ll miss I’m forever

  99. Thank you Nadia for starting this blog. It has been over a year since I lost my dad to Leukemia. It still feels surreal. I keep thinking that he will come home from a buisness trip. There is no way that I wont get to hug him ever again?? To the public I am doing very well, handling this loss with grace so to speak but then there are times when I realize my dad is gone forever and I let my heart go down a sad path. I will read cards or read blogs that make me cry just to get the tears going. It feels good to release them. Then I dry my tears and put a little make up on and head out the door smiling. I am trying my best to live life to the fullest because I realize how fragile it is and that our time here is precious. I know that daddy would be so upset if he saw me not handling this well so I am doing my best to honor him by working hard, seeing mom and my sister as much as I can and living my life the way he taught me to live. I always wanted to make him proud and staying strong for him is what is helping me through my grief. To everyone who has lost their father, the most profound thing anyone has ever said to me is that my relationship with my dad isn’t over. That I still feel his love every day and I know exactly what he would say when I need to call him. I will lean on this the rest of my life. I will always play out the conversation that I would have with my father because I know how he would answer. This helps me very much. Our dads are alive in us, we are 50% our dads. My mom tells me I am just like my dad, and I always tell her that dad gave me to her so that she would have him with her always. I am closer to my mom and sister more than ever. My sisters kids help us all move along in life to create a great life for them. I hope one day that having my own family and being an amazing parent will ease some of my pain, but my sister explains that it’s those moments that can be extra tough because you feel like your dad is missing out. I grieve for my dad the most. I just wish he were here to enjoy the rest of his life. He was a wonderful father and he deserves to be here. I always felt loved no matter what I did in life and I will always feel loved by him, no matter how much time has passed. He voice will always speak to me and I will always listen. I love you dad.

    1. Hi Caroline I really felt for u reading your post about losing your dad. How old was your dad? I too lost my dad – he passed away on 31st December 2013 aged 79. My heart is broken. I have 3 kids and it’s so true what your sister says about it being xtra tough because you feel like they are missing out. My dad adored my daughters who have just turned 10 and 7. My little boy is 21 months and it breaks my heart knowing he won’t remember his grandad. My dad would have loved up see him kicking a football around which he does so well for his age especially as my dads passion was football. It’s good you have a sister someone you can talk to. I have 2 brothers and it’s not the same I can’t really talk to them about how I am feeling ESP to my older brother who says that I am not dealing with this the right way And I should be moving on. That’s not helpful and it just makes me feel more sad. My husband is a good person but he has no idea how painful this is because he has never been through it. I miss my dad so much I think about him all day I can’t bear the thought that I will never see or speak to him again. It’s too painful to bear. I know my dad would too not want me to be unhappy and I am trying so hard to be strong for myself and my kids. But it’s so hard because I love and miss him so much. Take care of yourself Caroline it sounds like you have a good mindset trying to be strong, spending time with your family, working hard. Lots of love, Josie

  100. I lose my dad may 23 this yr its been the hardest thing i ever had to deal wit…i can say it help reading ur story jus to know the way i feel is natrul…im not crazy…the pain is an never ending pain…like someone hit u in ur chest n left never ending wip flash on ur heart…it hurts

  101. Hi I to lost my dad it will be 3 months on the 23rd of June this year it was the hardest thing iv ever had to deal with 6 weeks before he was due to give me away at my wedding id only got to know him again the past year after not being in contact for 2 years when I told him I was gettinh married he wanted to be the only one to give me away as I am the only child he has biologicaly he passed away at his home aslo suddenly then 2 months later my father in law passed away of a stroke which hurt even more as he was like a second dad to me he treated me like a daughter he never had xx

  102. I lost my Dad, my very best friend, on May 1, 2009. I was five months pregnant with my daughter, and it was my parents 36th anniversary. He had planned to join me the next Friday to my appointment to find out the sex of the baby because my boyfriend was working out of town. He passed away, at home, on my parents anniversary from a massive heart attack. I don’t talk about the pain often because it hurts so bad to even think about him. Four years have passed and its still so fresh, when I let the pain surface. I pray for everyone dealing with this pain and I feel comfort in relating to other people dealing with a loss like this.

  103. I lost my father at 12:21 in the afternoon, yesterday. It’s still so fresh in my mind. Time was so slow, for everyone. Its all so unreal to me. He had severe brain cancer, and for 2 years he fought for his life. He hadn’t eaten anything for 2 weeks, yesterday. My mum woke up to check on him, and talked to him for the final time, before realizing he had already passed on…. My mind is jumbled and my stomach is in knots. He’s getting cremated, and scattered in the winds of new Mexico. Its what he asked for. his service is on Tuesday. I just can’t think. There’s nothing to do but cry. He’s no longer in pai, but I sure am. I just try and hold back.

  104. I lost my daddy June 30, 2013 at 5:21PM. It is now 3 days. Funeral is July 5th. I am sitting in my bedroom and do not want to see anyone nor get a shower. I can not stop crying today. I got online to try to find some coping tools and found this blog. I have been in the nursing field for 23 years. I have taken care of others’ loved ones. My sister was murdered in 1987 and I remember thinking then, that at least with cancer you get time with your loved one. I have never been so wrong. I apologize for ever thinking that way.
    Monday August 27, 2012, I received a phone call stating that my dad was taken to the ER with numbness. They thought he was having a heart attack. After all the testing, he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. He just turned 65 four days earlier. He was given 4-6 months to live. He wanted me to stop over after work because he had something he needed to tell me. I didn’t even see it coming.
    We had our last Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, etc. Every day you think it may be the last day. You live your life around cancer. He chose not to do any treatments, because his father and sister had both started treatments and never lived longer than a couple months.
    He stayed strong till April 7th. He was at church and jumped. We thought he had a stroke. Hospice came and prepared us for the worse. They started comfort care and he got a catheter. But dad came back after 2 days. We realized that it was his kidneys and the catheter had brought him back. He had another episode May 1st, but again he came back to us.
    The last 3 months, I have watched his courage and strength carry him on till he had no strength left. He went from 208lbs to 140lbs by the time he was called home. All the terminal agitation and confusion, we were not prepared for. The numerous calls at 3am when I didn’t stay the night and he was confused and thought he was in a hospital. Him trying to keep getting up and walking out the door to work on a project that he had no idea didn’t exist.
    I have voice messages on my phone that I have been playing. My favorite is him singing happy birthday to me. Yesterday I went and got a bunch of pictures developed to make a collage for the funeral. Today I can do nothing. I felt like a little girl again laying next to my daddy rubbing his head as he took his last breathe. He is in my heart forever I know. He is in no more pain, I know, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I will carry him on through my children. He would have been a great grandpa this year in November and December. He will be missing out on seeing my first grandbabies. I just want to leave a little something out in cyber space to remember a great daddy, my daddy, Wendell Russell Hoover.
    I love you Daddy!
    Love the baby, Wendy

    1. Wendy, my heart goes out to you and my prayers and tears are with you. It is now just over a year since my daddy died. Your daddy lives on through the love that he invested in you and that love will be passed on to your grandbabies. Love never dies.

    2. Hi Wendy, sorry to hear of your loss. I feel your pain – have tears in my eyes now after reading your post. I also am trying for a baby now and so sad that my Dad won’t be around to see our baby one day. That ismy biggest life regret. I wish you well and that you and I will both find peace one day. I do recommend that you do this free 30 day email grief assistance. It really helped me so much xxx Therre is also a free resource which I have now downloaded as well: http://esdeer.com/hope/

  105. Wendy, My deepest condolences. I know how you feel. It has been 3 1/2 months that my daddy left. He was a victim of hit and run. When I got that call, I was numb then, I had to make funeral plans, etc. You never forget but you learn to cope with the loss. I still cry for my daddy but I also reminisce and laugh and talk about him, I will keep his memory alive by doing that. I know I hurt for my loss but also because of the way he was taken from us. That hurts me the most. Wendy, hang in there; cry, pray, cry but be strong. Our dads love us and they wouldn’t want to see their daughter( kids) crying or hurting. Stay busy and remember him as much as you can before breaking down because it will happen and that’s okay,normal,we’re grieving. WE need to grieve, mourn. Best wishes sweety. I am sorry for your loss.

  106. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my Dad on January 18. 2013. I was 32 and he was only 54. We have had a complicated relationship as he was an alcoholic, so there were many ups and downs over the years but I always stuck by him because it was his disease that I hated and not him. We lived thousands of miles away from each other so the last time I had seen him was in 2006. On August 14, 2012 my Dad gave me the most beautiful gift that he could have ever given to me, he quit drinking and we developed the most perfect father/daughter relationship that I could have dreamed of. We became best friends. We talked on the phone sometimes as much as three times a day. And because he did that for me I promised him I would buy a plane ticket and travel to be with him for a week. I was supposed to buy my ticket the day that he died. I was at work when I received the news that he had passed. To date it was the most devastating day of my life. He died of a massive heart attack and though I am grateful that he did not suffer (he also had cirrhosis of the liver) I find myself in this downward spiral of emotional torment on a day to day basis. I have two beautiful girls that need me so that is what keeps me going, because there are days when I do not even want to get out of bed. I have phoned our mental health department over a month ago to receive counseling with this matter in my life but with no response so I feel as if I am left to endure all this pain by myself, because even though I try to tell myself that it isn’t this way, I feel as if people have forgotten already and I am left to mourn in a dark and lonely place. As of right now I feel that I will never get over this loss and I always find myself wishing that the end would come soon so I can be with him, so I can tell him how much I loved him and how proud of him I was for overcoming all odds and for being so strong. I never told him but the last months he had that were sober, he was my Hero. But one thing that do uplift me since his passing are my dimes. To date I have found 23 dimes and all of them in the strangest places. To me that is a sign that he is with me and he loves me. So I wish you nothing but good thoughts and strength as you continue on with your journey, as I know just how hard it is :)

  107. I had posted in October when it was the 6 month anniversary of my Dad’s death. It’s been a little over a year now and I just wanted to say my heart goes out to all of you who have unfortunately just experienced losing your fathers and to all those who are feeling like me even now over a year or more later. I am still so sad over losing my Dad. It really hasn’t been much easier and I miss him terribly every day. I still sob and find it most difficult when I am alone. Sadness still consumes me quite often. Especially when I am driving. I don’t really know why that is, but it is. The days are still like a roller coaster ride. One day up, the next day down. I wish I had more dreams of my Dad but I haven’t. I had a couple in the beginning but they were not so nice. I do look for signs like others have said but have not had that many. One thing I noticed is a few instances with birds kind of just hanging around my children and I. Even today my children noticed a few parrots on the phone wire by their camp and pointed them out to me. Over 11 years ago, my Dad and I had seen about 5 parrots on the wire by my house the day I came home from the hospital with my son after he was born. We had continued to see them over the years but I don’t remember when I last saw them. I know it was before my father passed and now my children noticed them again today. I would hope this was a sign from him. Those birds are still around and so is he. He used to love to feed the birds near his house too. Whenever I would call him he would tell me he was feeding the birds and watching them eat. Now I find myself feeding the birds. I actually find some peace in it. I hope all of you find a bit of peace too even though this is ongoing for the rest of our lives. I will pray for all of you. Thank you again for this blog. It is helpful to know we are not alone.

    1. Hi Erica,
      I can relate to you feeling like you wish you saw more of your dad in your dreams or had more episodes of feeling like he was there. So many people have told me that they have experienced this and I feel sad that I am not. I just want to give him a hug in one of my dreams or would even settle for seeing his face. I miss my dad terribly. He died July 1st, 2013, unexpectantly of heart failure while visiting friends and family in Ohio for a high school reunion. They put him into induced hypothermia for 24 hours to see if could take swelling out of the brain and organs that were affected after doing compressions off and on for 40 minutes in the ER. My brothers, sister and I flew back to Ohio immediately to be with my mother and of course dad. So hard to see him in this frozen state. Once they brought him out of the hypothermic state he was having seizures terribly on the right side of his body and was in a coma. We were with him everyday from 8 a.m. to 9 at night. They put him on seizure meds to calm his body and everyday would reduce meds for 15 min to see if seizures would cease and he would give some response, but after 2 weeks of this the doc said it was time for us to make a decision as to how we wanted to proceed with treatment. Said that the odds of him recovering were next to nothing after this amount of time. Said if he did come out of it, he would be in a vegetative state. It was at this time that my family and I decided we needed to let him go. Have struggled quite a bit, then the last month it seemed to be getting better. Now I am falling apart again as was my kids, mom and myselfs birthday and dad wasn’t there to celebrate. The holidays are coming up and I can’t stand the thought of dad not being there. This is soooo hard. Not sure if it is just grief that I am going through or if need to get on an antidepressant. Have you found yourself going through any bouts of getting worse as time goes on or is it continuing to get better for you?

      1. Hi Cindy.
        I am so sorry for the loss of your father and I apologize for not replying to you sooner. I am sorry you had to make that decision with your family and let your dad go. I cannot imagine what you went through. I wish I could tell you that you will feel better tomorrow but there is a process I think we need to go through. I have found I have more up days now than down, but I do still have those moments where I sob uncontrollably sometimes. Just today in fact while driving to work and it is a little over a year and a half since my dad passed. I miss him terribly. The holidays will probably be difficult for you as this is your first. All the firsts are kind of hard as you said with your birthdays. Life is just different now and that’s how I can explain it to you. One of my friends said to me you never get over it. She said you only learn to adjust your life to living without them now. This is true. I still feel like I need to hear my dad’s voice or hug him like you said. A beautiful dream of him would help, but that has not happened for me. I do hope it happens for you. I think what you are experiencing are the steps of the grieving process. You will have better days, but it is still very fresh for you so give yourself some time to grieve. There is no set schedule for each of us. Allow yourself to be sad if you need to be and allow yourself to be happy when you feel that too. You may feel as though you shouldn’t be happy, but your dad would want you to be. I think our father’s would want that for all of us. I hope you can enjoy your holidays. Try to make the best of it. What has happened to us is hard to accept and you will have those rough patches every now and then. Just take one day at a time and you will be okay :)

      2. Cindy, I don’t know why, but somehow seeing we have the same name and both lost our fathers on July 1st was a comfort to me. I, too, would love to see him in a dream. My sister and I share when we have “Dad Moments”–we both agree that it can happen out of nowhere and feel like he just died yesterday. We just let ourselves feel it. It is absolutely heart breaking, but it passes…until the next time. My sister is especially having a tough time now and thinks she may need to talk to someone. Do whatever you feel is best for you. My heart goes out to you.

  108. I stumbled through this page and have found so much solace. My dad was passed away on the 19th of July 2013. The pain hurts so much but God is closer to the broken hearted. Thank u for sharing.

  109. Loosing a father is hard at any age, but specially hard when your father is the only one who raised you, and passed away 3 days before my 18th birthday. Still going through struggle, I wish that everyone keeps there chin up, you know that’s what he wants.

  110. My name is veronica and I am 21 yrs old and I lost my father 17 yrs ago..I was 4 years old when he died and though I don’t have much memory of him cuz I was so young it still hurts me to this day.. and each year I thought things got easier but for me it never has I just put it deep down and pushed it away cuz i couldn’t let others know i was hurting inside..but everytime I was alone I cried and it was hard to stop and put a front back on but I have done it for years cuz I had no better way to deal with it.. a lot of people don’t get how I could miss a man I never really knew..but what people don’t know is the story I carry with me about my life and why Ifeel I needed my dad.. I went through the worse thing possible as a child and teenager that no girl should but I didn’t have a dad to protect me and by the time my mom knew it was to late they had hurt me.. but all i wanted was my dad to stand by me but I couldn’t.. its also hard cuz I had a baby boy(who is now 2) in april of 2011 just 5 days before it had turned 15 yrs that he passed… my due date was the day he passed but I couldn’t do it.. I also am married now to a wonderful man but my dad couldn’t give me away as for he is not here.. I struggle almost everyday with my life and not having my dad makes it harder.. I hold all my feelings in about him cuz I know that people don’t get me… my dad was in a car crash that happened in spokane wa on 4 26 1996 by north central.. the man driving ran a red light and hit a school bus and from the inpact it killed him… what a day huh?

  111. I just lost my dad on June 1,2013 it get harder everyday for me when u loss one of your parents its somth believe me i think about my dad everyday miss my dad.But i do ask God to give me strength every day i find myself in tears not one day all day long.I be saying let me call my dad see how he doing and all of sudden i just break out crying.

  112. Lost my dad a week ago and a week now i still not looking forward to the next day, without him around my life feels empty and pointless. As his son and close to him it’s even harder as we share alot good times together. It’s very hard to accept he is gone but this is the reality.

  113. Thank you for your blog. My father died July 1, 2013 after just 2 months with Cancer. He was 73 & I am 47. Reading the above replies comforts me I am not alone.

  114. I am 12 ( turning 13 in November) And I recently lost my dad on the 20th of June due to an anyurysm (I dont know how to spell it) I cry most nights and I really do hope I get better. Whenever I see a meme or rage comic with an overprotective dad or father I just shed tears. I wasn’t that well of a daughter either. I lied, I even forgot about Father’s Day. I just wished I had done things differently.

    1. Oh, Trinity. It must be so difficult for you now. I lost my father when I was over 40 years old and it was a horrible experience for me, so I can only imagine what it must be like for you. Let me tell you something, though, as a parent myself of four children now between the ages of 14 and 19. There is nothing you can do as a child that will make your parent think you were not a good daughter. Every single one of us has been a bit naughty or mean or forgetful when we were children (and even as adults). It is part of the process of growing up and our parents know it. And they love us no matter what. I am 100% positive that you were everything in the world to your father. Please know that. Do not think for a second that you were a bad daughter. In your father’s eyes, you were perfect. I promise you this. I know this because I am a parent. My siblings and I did not give my father an easy time. We were normal human beings and we made a million mistakes. But if there is one thing I have never doubted it is his love for all of us. And that is what I carry with me after his death. I carry his love.

      Things will not be easy for you for a bit. That is normal. The grieving process takes time. For some of us, it takes a lot of time. Find someone to help you through it like your mother or another family member or a counselor at school. Eventually, with help, you will find ways to cope with the grief so that you start remembering all the wonderful times you had with your father and cherish them rather than focus on the fact that he is no longer with you. And you will learn how to move on with your life, holding your father’s love in your heart forever.

      My heart and prayers are with you, dear Trinity. Know that everything will be all right with time.

  115. I’m 14 and my dad died of cancer 1 month ago, the night after he died I had a dream he was in his hospital bed and I sat beside him and he looked at me and just stood up and suddenly he was back to his healthy self. He put on the clothes he used to always wear, his checked flannie with his black leather jacket and we went for a walk in the park he used to take me to as a young child and just had a talk about life in general, it really felt like it was him in the dream. lately when I dream of him though it usually ends with him holding me in his arms while I cry about not wanting to leave him, he doesn’t speak but just comforts me. I can relate to the being strong around people but when you are alone you just think about them and cry, every day something happens I wish I could tell him about, every leap year my birthday lands on Father’s Day so I know the future will be hard but I just try to think to myself that I know he wouldn’t want me to be upset, he would feel awful if he knew how upset I was about missing him

    1. I am so sorry for your loss, Caitlin. I had (and sometimes still do have) dreams similar to the ones you describe. It helps make us feel just a little bit better when we see them in our dreams, doesn’t it? You are going through something extremely difficult but I love your positive attitude and that you are working on getting through it. Your father would want you to live a wonderful happy life, as you said. It won’t always be easy, but you have the inner strength to live that wonderful life. I can feel it. Your father will be so proud of you, Caitlin. I just know it.

      1. I read the comments that are posted looking for a uplift of some kind. It is great to know that other people are going through the same time. My heart soul and sprit are broken and my depression has consumed me. It still doesnt feel real that my dad is gone . My b day was sunday and I stayed in and cried alot of the day. I feel stuc and at a stand still and don’t know what to do. I feel so lost and alone in this world since the only person I had is gone. My dad is my everything I loved him more than life its self. I try to keep my kids in the front of my mind because I love them and they need me but the pain and hurt feels so unbearable at times I feel I dont want to be in this world without him or how to exist in a world where he doesn’t I dont know what to do. kellie

      2. Dear Kellie,

        I often think how much my dad loved my children and how he always told me to take care of them. When I start feeling down sometimes, I’ll hear my father’s voice in my head yelling at me the funny way he would and telling me to pick myself up right now and get on with it. My father was such an amazing father. I want to be as good a mother to my children as he was to me. My father went through many deaths in his lifetime. His brother and sister died when they were all in their 30s. His parents both died when he was in his 40s or thereabouts. Lots of his friends died when he was young. That’s besides all the hardships he experienced in his life. Yet he always showed us a strong face and was always the best father he could be to us. That’s how I want to be for my children. And that is how my father would expect me to be because that is what he role modeled for us. Feeling down because my father has gone will not get me anywhere. Carrying on his legacy of amazing parenthood might.

      3. This is kellie again I just posted my comment for today I just want to say thank you for this blog

  116. Thanks for your blogg I was looking for when you lost a father at 18 and it seems to be getting bad now when I’m 43 I just need him to hold me x

  117. Thank you so much.. I have lost my dad July 26th of this year- with as little as one week notice that he was even sick. In one week the strongest person I’ve ever known died a little every day of his last week. I’m lost. I miss him terribly. My mom and dad had a beautiful marriage- he adored her and she him.. He only worried about her well being when he learned this cancer could be terminal.
    Now- the youngest of 6 children, the baby I am.. I’m trying to take care of her but can’t grieve myself. I work for my mom, have three small children and husband and an angry mother from this loss. Do you have any insights on how to take care of her and myself? Bless you for this- because as you mentioned earlier- noone wants to talk about this..how to deal?

    1. Kristen, I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish I had an answer for you. All I can tell you is that it is a rough journey for a long time and then things slowly start to get better. All I can say is that we just get on with it. I remember crying myself all the way to work in the car while driving alone, then wiping my tears away, putting on a strong face, and just doing what needed to be done. I found ways to deal with my emotions. We all deal with them differently. Allowing myself to cry and grieve was really important for me. Writing about my grief also helped tremendously. Writing is my way of working through all the thoughts that go around in my head. It helps clear my head. In this particular case, writing allowed me to learn that so many other women have gone through the same difficulties that I was going through being an adult woman who lost her father. Knowing that helped as well. I also spoke about my feelings to a very good friend who lost both her parents. She had never talked to me about what she went through when she lost her parents. She was one of the reasons why I thought that maybe it wasn’t so bad losing a parent. But when I talked to her I learned that it is the same for everyone. We just don’t like spreading our grief to others. So we put on a strong face. Talking to my friend, learning about her situation, and being able to talk about mine helped me as well. Sometimes it is good to get a therapist’s help if none of the normal processes work. Sometimes it is good to get a therapist’s help just to work through the grief with professional help rather than just trying to figure it all out on your own. We all have our own individual processes we need to go through. We need to figure out what we individually need. And we need to give ourselves that chance to go through those processes so we can heal. It has been two years now since my father died. I still cry every now and then. But I mostly just remember all the great times I had with my father and how lucky I am to have had such a great father. It gets better with time. It should, anyway. Just allow yourself to go through your processes.

  118. I can understand your pain, I lost both my parents , my mom 16 years ago on may 1st 1997 I was 13 and my dad on may 3 ,2013 and I am now 30 . I can’t even tell you how hard it has been , lossing dad around the same time we lost mom just brought up so many more emotions

  119. I lost my Dad on 17th july to an unexpected aortic dissection. He was 72 yet so fit and healthy – had run marathons etc. The worse part was that I had just had my daughter – 9 days before. Dad and I ran a business together so I have had to start work again and am having trouble juggling a newborn, running the business and trying to grieve. My Dad was my best friend and I feel like my world is falling apart without him. Despite spending all day together we’d still call eachother in the evenings just to say “Whatcha doing?’. I miss him so much. I feel grief for the life he should have had…. he had so much more to give and wanted so much more from life.

  120. I lost my father two years ago.. I was 14 snd he was 46. It was horrible for me and still is. I also dreamt that it was a mix up and he is not dead. Last night I dreamt of him telling me a secret. What does this mean?

  121. I was about 9 when my father died, it’s been 5 years now, and I have to say, it just gets harder. Especially now because I’m in my teenage years and I have all my hormones raging. I was very close to my father, even though he was extremely ill. Death is never an easy thing to deal with. It leaves you heart broken and traumatised.

  122. To start off I am a daddy’s girl i love doing all the manly activities like theme parks, adventure parks and all things like that.

    I lost my father when I was 13 years old its now three years on from that. I have something new to tell him everyday, I know he listens when I talk that’s what I like to know. My childhood officially ended when I lost my dad I haven’t had one since and never been the same since. Seeing all these girls walking around saying I hate my dad or saying silly things if only they knew how important a dad is. When I see little girls messing around with their fathers kills me a bit inside everytime. I know I’ll never be the same and so does my mum but being reassured by people who have gone through the same thing makes me feel good. Thank you.

  123. Today I have lost my dad.i struggle to make sense in all my feelings. He was in the hospital for nearly 3 months .this Monday is his funeral. I cried so much and even though its true ,at the same times wants to lie to myself and say maybe its a sick joke and I could call him and he would be home.I try to sleep I cant unable to i cry out I miss my daddy, Im 31 and just a reminder I dont look forward to getting older

  124. i lost my dad back in February 21 2013 im so depress and sad he died in his sleep do to a heart attack and stroke and i found him dead im lost i cry every night and day thinking he died young he was only 58 years old

    1. Miku I am sorry for your loss. I lost my dad March 18, 2013 in a hit and run. I know this is hard but we need to keep strong for ourselves and others. Praying always help me and talking about the good times ( memories) in have my good and bad days but ill make it through. My dad was my dad. I love him so much and I get sad knowing we were supposed to do this and that… We had plans. I don’t know why this happened truthfully; why my dad was taken from me in this tragic way but I pray that he didn’t suffer or feel pain. It hurts hen i think about that night, so i try not to do so much because my heart aches. This may sound off the wall but If i had a choice In how to lose my dad, it wouldnt of been the waybhe did.I pray that you will seek help, counseling, church anything to help you heal and it will all happen in time. Again I’m sorry, I know what your going though.

  125. I lost my father March the 8th of this year.2 months befor my 18th birthday. Was and still is the worst that iv ever experienced the heart ack gets stronger everyday.. its like a continues pain that dosent go away. I actally was with my father the night he passed at home in bed. That night plays on my mind 247. My house ijust feels empty cold and bare. And what I struggle with aswel is seeing my mother go though this. They met when they was 14 and was together ever since. Had 6 daughters. I carnt explain my to you what I feel how I feel or what I do to help me self. Becuase I havent answered these questions myself yet. All I can say it’s like a constant pain in my heart that gets worse everyday. I can jjust sit by a window and stare out all day doing nothing..just one thing I will never cry or look up set in frount of my mum keep a brave face for her. But in side the tears are ready to come rolling out… I dont no about in time but from wat I am and have experienced at the moment. As time gose on it dosent get eser, or you dont find your self dealing with it. Its gets harder n harder as every day is another day with out him. .

    Jamieleigh

    1. Jamieleigh

      I’m so sorry you are suffering so much. I lost my father on New Year’s Eve last year. The emotional pain is so horrific it is indescribable if you have not experienced it yourself. I know this is how you feel at the moment. You, as I do, now have a scar on your heart which will forever remain with you.

      You ask if it gets easier – it doesn’t get easier, you just learn how to live with the pain. I would say though that you are six months in, which while it’s still early days, you should feel some slight easing. Please make sure you talk to people (Cruse helpline is very good), talk to friends, cry it out, exercise lots, write it down.

      I never understood what grieving meant (how can you until it happens). I now know it is that you have to physically and emotionally experience this pain, this emotional violence of loss in order to emerge the other side.

      You did the right thing writing on here. Keep talking. In the meantime I’m sending you lots of healing thoughts tonight.

      Xxx

  126. I lost my dad January of this year, I was pregnant at the time, my dad was only 51 he had a very aggressive cancer, he was in so much Pain it was heartbreaking to watch my dad go from a big strong mans man, to not able to wash himself and barely recognise anyone, I know he’s in a better place now and he’s not in any pain but maybe selfishly I just wish I could spend just one more day with him, so he could meet his new grandson and enjoy my other son who adored him, I just miss him terribly but don’t really talk about it as I don’t want to put on anyone, I havnt grieved properly and I’m finding it increasingly hard to come to terms that I will never see him again.

    1. Chantelle, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I have always been a caring person, but now that I know how it feels to loose my dad, I find myself that much more saddened as I read these stories. Your story touched me in particular because I am also pregnant with my parent’s first grandchild and I lost my father to a very aggressive cancer (pancreatic) a few weeks ago. He died on 10/13/13, less than two months after he was diagnosed. They only thing more difficult than letting my father go was seeing him in so much pain the weeks proceeding his death. I know the right and loving thing to do was to let him be a peace, but because everything happened so fast I also wish that I could have just 1 more day with him as his healthy self. I would give almost anything to actually just have one more hour.

      Please allow yourself to grieve. I have cried almost everyday AFTER the funeral. The week proceeding the funeral I was focused on being strong for my mother, hosting family members, funeral arrangement, etc. I was not really allowing myself to grieve. But grief is a necessary and natural process. If we don’t let out our tears and pain out in healthy way it will only come out and manifest itself in unhealthy ways.

      Take care of yourself and your two little ones. Peace and blessings

  127. Thanks so much this blog helped me some with my fathers death. Y father passed away 12-12-12. He died in his sleep. My mom found him curled up around her. They were married 48 yrs. the hardest part is now the role has changed and taking care of her while I take care of my children. I was also laid off as a nurse after 20 yrs. things just keep happening. It’s hard to c my mom alone. All alone. Sad. And thin. I know things will never be the same and I have to say this phase I’m my life at 41 yrs old is getting very scary. I am stuck being angry. I guess angry at god. I know we all die but we didn’t get to say goodbye nor do we know why he passed. He feared aging. Was a healthy 70 yr old that could run in circles owned his own business and lived it. He never wanted to get old. So I guess he got the death he would have wanted. Quick. But for us left behind it’s very unfinished. I still pick up the phone to call him. I miss him more as time goes on. And I dread Christmas. Everyone grieves differently and on a daily basis. And I personally don’t think I will ever move past it. I’m just worrying abouty mom now. She’s lost without him.

  128. This post has really helped me, all of your comments too.
    My father has not gone yet, he has been given weeks.
    He was diagnosed in january of this year (2013) with Non-Hodgkin s lymphoma and cancer on the base of his tongue. He had radiotherapy and an operation to remove the nodes.
    We thought that was it, he would get better.
    2 weeks ago we got the devastating news that it had spread to his head, lungs, bones, abdomen and neck again.
    My father IS my hero… the only man i will ever truly love, cherish, honour and Obey,
    I have started to grieve, i cry constantly thinking about him, every song makes me sad, every phone call makes me sick thinking this is it and every morning brings a new feeling of dread,
    I feel like i am free falling from a great height,, seeing the floor rush toward me and knowing when i hit i will be destroyed.
    I was roman catholic from birth but denounced religion 10 years ago… then the day i got the bad news i found myself in church begging the priest to do confession with me and asking for gods mercy.
    It is amazing how your faith never really leaves you, even when you think it left years ago.
    I honestly do not know how i am going to cope after he is taken, i pray it is peaceful.

  129. My dad was first diagnosed with esophagus cancer stage 3 in Aug 2012 but he beat it after a few months of intense chemo and radiation followed by surgery. Last month he started to have pain and became very weak, doctors though he had pneumonia so he had 3 different kinds of antibiotics, which didn’t work on him. He was misdiagnosed, it wasn’t pneumonia. His cancer had returned to his lungs, he is too weak to get chemo. I live in the UK and my dad is in Canada, he is only 50 years old. I am already preparing myself emotionally for his death. It is the hardest thing! I can’t cope with studies, I know crying won’t help but there’s nothing I can do. I cry non stop and try not to in front of my 4 years old daughter. I am worried my mom will be left alone in Canada as a widow with my lil sister. I really don’t know how to cope with all this. When I heard that my dad’s cancer had returned last night, I froze and couldn’t speak for half an hour, I was in a state of shock. It is the hardest thing in the world, I feel so helpless and just keep crying and I dont feel like eating or doing anything else.

  130. I was his only daughter and loved him deeply and unconditionally. He was my rock and my best friend. While he was a male, he understood me more than my mother. He encouraged me to love myself, taught my husband why I needed so much love and never, ever judged me despite the mistakes I made. What an example! I am lost, in pain, and will always feel sad inside. It does not matter how much I try to rationalise his sudden passing, my chest hurts and my heart may never mend. I won’t feel sorry for myself. But I will acknowledge my feelings and try to move forward as time passes until we meet again. His death has split my life in half. As I struggle to remember him, I will celebrate a man, a very human man who taught me that love is everlasting and for that reason, he has never died but is in my heart forever. I have had the special sensation of my dad hugging me in my dreams. I will pray for everyone else that their father’s love also touches them in their dreams and daily thoughts. Just think of him now and he is there. Your love as a daughter is thus – truly eternal. Bless you all.

  131. I can definitely relate, because it’s going to be two years since I lost my father, in December. I was only 18, and my dad was relatively healthy and young. I never show or tell anyone about how much I cry or have moments where its just too much my heartaches for him, because I miss him so much. I’ve just come to the conclusion that grieving will never end, my dad was a part of me, and will forever be, so all I can do is try to do things that would make him proud of me and be strong for my mom since she is nowhere near moving on. Losing a parent is absolutely devastating, heartbreaking. & we still have to keep it together.

  132. It’s been 6 months since my daddy passed away, and I’m just numb , I haven’t broken down and really cried . I just can’t seem to let myself cry . Your story has helped me see that I’m not alone in this pain of losing a parent. My dad was fine one day went for a check up and he had to have emergency Heart surgery he came our of surgery in a coma and on life support and blind, than doctors were able to wake him up , but than he just seems to keep getting sick he got to come home for a month before he got a chest infection which got into his blood doctors told us he his body was shutting down than two days later he died . I feel so lost without him

  133. I was my dad’s favorite of 3 well my older brother pass away when he was 14yrs old. I am the youngest n only girl. My father past a way when I was 24 years old I will soon b 28. I felt like he left to soon he was only 60 but he was really sick. Had so many complications with his heart n since he was on dialysis put to much on his weak heart. Right after my dad passed away I had a dream of him he look the same but with a nice glow on him he look good not sick in my dream I was walking into this long hallway not to dark but not bright something told me to walk straight in to the hallway n when I did I saw my father in from of me he extended his hands n I handed my 1 1/2 year daughter to him at that time he held her n told me sorry I couldn’t hold on any longer I didn’t want to leave u alone but I am good now

    1. CLaudia, Hopefully your Dad’s words in that dream gave you a little comfort. It is so hard to see those you love suffer and to now know he is in divine health with no more pain helps.Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers because I well know the pain of losing a Dad. I haven’t gotten over it and I know I never will…but I am adjusting. In him holding your child, he is showing you that you are still his little girl!

  134. I lost my dad this year. 10 April 2013. I’m only 19yrs old. Till today we don’t know the cause of his death. He wasn’t sick at all. He was such a strong man, his death shocked us all. He died just like that…! With no explanation. I love him more than anyone in this world! He is my best friend, he comes first in my life!! At 19yrs I’m still a kid who needs her daddy. Funny enough I still use “is” instead of “was”. Cos my mind is convinced that his coming back!! How does one more on? All I want to know is if his okay in the after life. Still haven’t deleted his number on my phonebook cos I don’t want to go on like he never existed!! What makes me feel better is the good news from the bible. These words comfort me: the dead are not really gone but are asleep!

    1. Dorgan, The homecoming of our Dads are so similar. My Dad went home to be with the Lord in August 2012 and he was in perfect health. That has been the hardest situation I have ever been thru. I am learning to move on and you will too. It doesn’t happen overnight. But during those times when you want to talk to him or hug on him…let the tears flow. It makes you feel better. I have somewhat of a peace however that Daddy, like you said you Dad was, a tower of strength, it would have really been devastating to see him suffer. I continually thank Gold for that and hopefully u will too. Like you I lean on the Word of God too. I know that because Daddy was saved and so am I…I will see him again. By the way, I can’t take Dad’s telephone e number out of my phone either. I will be in prayer that God will give uhh oh the strength you need to g poo on.

    2. Dorcah, I am so very sorry for your loss. My dad passed away on Feb 23, suddenly at the hospital because they did not treat a head injury. I still haven’t deleted my dads phone number, and that’s ok…I will when I’m ready, and you will when you are. I was daddy’s girl also. I can’t say it gets easier, because I’m not there yet, “the firsts” without my dad were very painful. Especially with the holidays coming up, we are going to need to lean on God, because my faith is the only thing that gets me by. This is definitely a “club” I didn’t want to join, but reading people’s stories and hearing how they feel, makes me realize the emotions that I’m feeling are OK. Because there are days I’d rather lay in bed and do nothing. But, I have two little boys that need me, and they were my dads world. My dad was 61, too young to have his life cut short. And i know my dad would NOT want me to be depressed all the time. Just remember, there is no wrong way to grieve, and there is no time limit on grief either. Nobody will ever understand, unless they have been in your shoes. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs to you.

  135. This so nice to read. I resently lost my dad about 7 months ago and it has been hard. The more days go by the harder. I Just wish I could dream with him and hug me. Me and my dad were close. I could tell him anything and he would understand me. Iam 32 and my dad passed at 55. He had so much complicarions, diabites, kidney faler, heart problems. Long long story what he went threw before he passed. I wished he never went threw so much pain before passing. It just so hard all I remember is his pain he went threw in that hospital.

    1. I am so very sorry for your loss. I know the feeling, unfortunately, all too well. I lost my dad Feb this year, and we were really close. I can’t say that it gets easier, it’s been almost 9 months, I still cry, today was a hard day for me. When my dad passed, I felt so numb, so depressed, I think the worst was when after his memorial, and life went on for all the family and friends that were there to support us. That is when all the numbness started to wear off and I had to face the pain head on. I didn’t think possible, but the crying went from everyday, to a couple times a week, and so on. In that aspect, it will eventually get better, but there can be that one little memory in the middle of the day that can send me into a downward spiral the rest of the day. It doesn’t get easier, but you get “use” to it. The pain becomes a part of your everyday life, and I am not sure if it will ever go away, at least it hasn’t for me yet. I am so sorry for your loss

    2. My dad passed the same day yours did. I am beyond devastated and feel like I can’t go on either. All I want is to be with him. My world feels like it’s over. He was everything to me, my rock, my hero. I feel broken. I’m sorry you’re feeling the same as me. I am worried that my friends who are gathering around me now, will soon lose interest and then what do I do? I know this is going to take so long to heal (at least heal to the point I can function in my everyday life) because he was the world to me. I go from being sad to numb to disbelief to just general malaise where I’m walking around like a zombie and then sad again. I physically feel ill too. My dad was always so afraid of dying which makes it all the worse. I just hope he accepted it and was in peace when his body finally gave out. He tried to fight but in the end, he just couldn’t.

  136. For me it has been 2 years. One minute life was drifting along nicely, next thing dad has cancer and he’s gone in the space of 2 months. I felt completely helpless, devastated, terrified, then I had nightmares and post-traumatic stress because the disease disfigured his face and it all happened so quickly. I have had social anxiety (I still have this to an extent in going to places where there are people I know, so going to church is a real effort these days) depression and all the rest of it. Things have improved, but it is still hard now, and I actually woke up yesterday morning and burst into tears after dreaming about dad. He was the one I went to for advice and to tell him about my day. He always listened and never judged anyone. We always had a laugh and I am very much like him. I sought counselling because I felt like I wanted to die and I was frightened – it helped me enormously. But now I notice other issues rearing their head – I seem to be craving male attention wherever I go, particularly older guys – I was never like this before. I am very happily married to a wonderful man, so it worries me why I feel like this. Also loads of young couples in my church have moved on with their lives and started becoming gushing parents and I just feel stuck. For me, I’ve had to take things one day or step at a time and go back to basics, and it stresses me out that people expect the same parental ambitions from me when I just can’t face it right now. I have 2 brothers who were always closer to our mum, and it has seemed like they’ve had her support & time and I feel left out in the cold a lot of the time. It’s not that my mum doesn’t support me, but she never acknowledges my feelings or really ask how I’m doing, so I’ve felt quite alone in that sense and isolated from them. I also felt isolated from friends because most of them still have both parents, or seem to believe the tv shows where people have got over a bereavement by the next episode! Not real life! I just thank God for work – they’ve been like family and just take me as I am, plus another colleague lost her mum just before I lost my dad. Really glad to find your website.

  137. My dad passed away on Sept. 16, 2013. My dad was bigger than life. Everyone in the community knew him and when you say his name there is always a story and smile. Now, I feel like I am in a position to carry on his name because everything I know and have become– I learned from dad. I am now 55 the years have moved so fast. I am blessed with a very successful career, a terrific husband and two great sons. But my heart is broken and I am not sure what the meaning of life is anymore. They say that everyone grieves differently. My younger brother, sister and mother are all going through their own ups and downs but as the holidays grow closer, I want to just pull the covers up and disappear. But when i close my eyes, I see my dad covered in tubes looking like a person who had been through heavy battle. I watched over the months as his body was taken over by cancer but his mind continued to try and fight back only loosing to dementia and severe hallucinations along with memory loss. I continue to put down the foundation for memorials and articles to remember my dad but it never seems to be enough. So now in the words of my dad I ask, OK now what? Where do I go from here? Thanks for this blog. It does help to hear other people tell their stories.

  138. This was a beautifully written post, I too recently lost my dad (March 2013) and I just started a new blog about my journey through the last 7 months. I’m linking your articles as great resources for advice on the process.

  139. Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my beautiful father on the the 25th of August. Dad battled MS and my fantastic Mum was his primary carer. His last few weeks were heartbreaking for all of us and most of all for him. I miss him everyday and even writing this is so difficult. I know that he is now released from his suffering and I know that he hated been seperated from Mum and his heart broke when he had to be admitted to hospital, then a care home (for one week) and then hospital again where he passed away. I love you Dad so much and I will always remember how much you loved me.Christmas is going to be so difficult with having him with us. It so strange not choosing his present and getting my big kiss and hug when I visited my parents home. I’m 37 but I still wished that I had more time with him.

  140. I’m 32 and I lost my father two months ago. It was two weeks before my birthday. He lived 700 miles away because I joined the military when I was 17 and never moved back. I talked to him often but a couple months before he died we stopped talking as much. No particular reason just busy life stuff. You see my father was a good man. Strong! He had and beat colon cancer, kidney cancer and drug additions. He was diagnosed with lung cancer two years ago and fought hard. He was in constant pain. He decided he couldn’t do it anymore and shot himself in the heart. My mother found him in the bathroom when she got home from work. I feel so guilty!!! I should have known. I should have called more! I should have went to visit more! I am so broken! I have three children so if course I put on a smile and pretend everything is fine but at night I cry. On the way to work I cry! I can’t even work my part time job at the hospital anymore because I have panic attacks. I’m so hurt! I know there is nothing I could have done but still feel so guilty!! I’m so sorry daddy! I miss you!

  141. Oh Marsha, before I got your comments I was crying profusely. My daddy died 1 year and 8 months ago. At times I feel good but other times grief takes over. It is as though half of my heart has been ripped out and there is no way to close my chest. It is very difficult for me. My dad died of medical malpractice..He suffered for 7 months in the hospital. They made him suffer. What was more agonizing is that I could not do anything about it. After living in the USA for so many years and going back to my native country and having to deal with all the horrible things that my father went through and I could not do anything about it. I could not even transfer him to another hospital because they wanted to continue collecting his medical insurance, so they blocked every effort. The last time I was able to see my daddy conscious was when I was arguing with the doctor about what they were going to do to him and I saw tears rolling down his eyes…While I am sharing this with you I am crying my eyes out. My daddy always protected me…and I could not do anything to protect him and he disintegrated right before my eyes in those 7 agonizing months!!!

    Marsha, even though you did not speak to your daddy for a couple of months,you made y our daddy proud!!! Please think about it..You were mature enough to join the military at such a young age. You made him proud. You had a family. Don’t you think your daddy was proud of his little girl.. knowing you could stand on your own?
    He went through a lot of pain Marsha. For him to do what he did, only he understands the pain that he was going through. He was tired Marsha…he was tired and he knew in his heart that his baby girl would be alright.

    Marsha, when I left the hospital after balling over my father’s lifeless body, once I got home I went into the bedroom and screamed and cried on my pillow and I felt this presence sit on the bed and hug me. I believe it was my daddy. There have been times that I feel his presence. One day a stranger told me that my father told her to tell me to stop feeling so sad and to live my life and be happy because he is at peace with no more suffering. That my daddy said to live and enjoy life in his name.

    So, I share the same with you Marsha.. please remember that he is proud of you and that if you are always crying and sad he will be sad too. Talk to him on your way to work. I am sure there are times you will cry, but talk to him. Tell him how much you love him.

    You will cry, but do not feel guilty about anything, because you make it more difficult for your daddy in the spiritual realm. Please think about it, no more suffering for him… now he is free. Whatever he decided to do, that is strickly between him and God. No one else. Just remember that he loves you, he is proud of you and he does not want you to feel bad about anything. You have not done anything. It is not easy Marsha. Just know that you are not alone.

    Feeling and sharing your pain,
    Indigo

    1. I understand its been 7 months and im still a mess. The holidays approaching doesnt make it any better. People expect you to just move on with ur life and its hard and it hurt. My heart hurts so bad I just want to rip it from my chest most of the time I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and I cannot breath. I feel as though my dad was all I had, my favorite person in the world. We are like to peas and a pod. I feel so lost alone and dead inside. I hate waking up feeling like this and atttimes I dont want to be here, but a have 2 small children to think about and I know my dad wouldn’t want that. Im just so hurt and heart broken I have never had anything like this hurt me to my core, to the fact my soul and sprit are broken and I dont know what to do and at times I feel emotionally damaged.

  142. I stumbled across your blog while googling the loss of a father. My father passed just 7 weeks ago. I am 32 and my father was only 52. My pain is immense. I cannot seem to find solace at this time. He consumes my every thought. I’ve learned there is no timeframe or guideline for grieving and this scares me. Most friends and family think I should be “ok” by now and are concerned. I know this is just my personal greiving process and in time, as they say, it will get better. I know he’s with God but I miss him so much :,(

  143. My father died one year ago today. I’m still grieving more than I believe I should. At times I feel like I’m doing so well and then this wave of missing him so much overwhelms me. I try to remain strong for my children and grieve when I can in private. It’s entirely so hard when my 5 & 8 yr old say they miss him and say a prayer at the table in remembering him. I still can’t even bring myself to visit his grave site yet because just thinking about it breaks me down into an emotional wreck. I’ve been to a professional who says bereavement doesn’t have a time limit but because I can bring myself to do my daily things and still care for my family that I’m not clinically depressed where I do not need to be medicated. I don’t know if that makes me feel any better, I guess. The dr did provide me with an exercise that did help me, he had me keep a diary writing to my father then god. Of course, tears are falling the entire time but at least I get things out that I’m feeling. Some days I feel like my heart is so broken that I don’t know how I’m going on day to day w/o talking to him or texting him. I find myself praying to god to bring him to me in some type of vision or spirit so I can see him to tell him I love him & miss him in person one more time. I’ll never forget all the wonderful things he did for all us growing up and all the sacrifices he made for us, our country (30 years in the military, 51 years of marriage & 6 children later & provided public service as a police officer for 13 yrs). At times I feel like he deserved to live longer and to be happier for all he did. I’m sure I’m those are feelings of selfishness on my part. I never felt angry, just so much sadness. Sadness for my mother as well & my siblings. My younger brother seems to be worse than me. I’m so glad I found this site because for so long I felt like I was going crazy missing my father for so long and so much & not being able to get over his loss a year later. I wish I could take away some of everyone’s sadness but I do know that we will all be ok and our father’s want us to be happy and to move on. In time, I can only hope and pray that we all will move on with less sadness.

    1. I understand how you feel, I waiting as well for my dad to come to me in so form.i feel as though im a emotionally damaged. My heart hurts so bad I just want to rip it from my own chest. I still cant wrap my head around it. My dad is my world I have never loved anyone else more. He is my partner were like too peas in a pod and 8 months later the pain has not let up. I still cry all the time.i cant talk about him to people or I will cry. I still have panic attack take meds and see a psychiatrist because im still a mess

  144. I lost my Father when I was 22 to a terminal vascular disease he had been diagnosed with when I was 3. They didn’t expect him to live 6 months beyond that time. He lived another 19 years. He was a fighter and had a tremendously strong will to live. He was a big, strapping, retired military man. When I was a kid, I believed there wasn’t anything he couldn’t do. Including beat this terrible disease. When I was 22 and my brother was 23 he finally succumbed to his illness. It wasright around the time we were both getting our lives settled. My Mother later told us, that, that was what he was waiting for. She said he was determined to see us raised before he went anywhere. It created a hole in my heart and a void in my life that nothing has ever been able to fill. I am now 42 and this void is still alive and well. Of course the intensity of the grief has waned over time, but, not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and miss him. My Dad was the most influential person in my life and he left a tremendous legacy behind. My children only know him through pictures and stories. After all these years he is still as relevant in our lives as if we saw him yesterday. He was the most unique person I have ever met. I don’t think the loss ever gets any easier, it just gets different.

  145. Your post was enlightening to read. It will be ten years in February since I lost my dad. He had cancer and died two weeks after finding out. I am now 32. My older brother and mother dealt with it in their own way and pretty much moved on with their life. I am the emotional sensitive one in the family.
    I do not enjoy this time of year (xmas etc) and Xmas morning I had a fight with my boyfriend and all my upsetness came out. I was embarrassing to myself and disgraceful towards my boyfriend. Everything came out that upset me in our relationship etc. When we talked the next morning, i realised I hadn’t really dealt with my dad dying. That what he got from the argument was that he wasn’t treating me like my dad would. I’m not looking for a replacement, but my dad really taught me how a man ought to treat a woman.
    I also bought up that it upsets me when he treats his dad bad, and said he never knows when his dad is going to be gone so treat him with love. He heard what I was saying, but said I couldn’t get angry that he still had both parents. He made a valid point. I am not jealous, but envious I think. Sad of me isn’t it. His family noticed how me and his father really bonded. He lost his dad when he was 18, so told my boyfriend he had a soft spot for me and basically educated him on how to deal with me. I feel like a fool.
    Its a shame it took that nasty fight for me to realise I need to go and see a therapist, because I can’t continue bringing it up or using it as an excuse to argue.
    We are on a break at the moment, until he feels I’ve dealt with the issue.
    My dad, like many men and women was my everything. Healing takes time, but 10 years later I have realised I haven’t dealt with it, and can’t make peoples xmas uneasy because my dad isn’t around anymore. I don’t like birthdays, I don’t like any anniversary that reminds me that he should be here to celebrate it with me. If I ever get married, that is another milestone, but I know I will be in a better headspace to deal with that chapter in my life. I also need to embrace the times when he ‘should’ be around and remember them as special times, not get all sad and miserable. Its a lot of work for me, but sites like this are helpful.

  146. I’m a Mum of two daughters, my youngest is 20, she was 15 when her Dad passed away. She hasn’t really dealt with his loss, now she stays out at night at boys places. She says ‘she’s not doing anything’. This is so unlike her, I’m sure she is doing this cause of the loss of her Dad. She has told me recently she was to move out. I’m not sure how to deal with this, she has never seen a grief counsellor, what should I do ?????

  147. I lost my dad in October 2012, he was my best friend. I am single, no kids no significant other. Very lonely, seems like it gets worse as time goes by. I miss his phone calls, he would call and sing happy birthday to me.I keep asking him to come visit me in my dreams, but I never see him. I too am on meds, but seem stuck and unable to move forward with my life. What have other people like me done? No family around and a dysfunctional sibling makes it worse.

    1. Hi Allie, I just read your post and everything you wrote is the same as what I am going though My Father died in June 2008, it feels as though it was truly yesterday.. as though the past few years went by in one week. My father was my best friend. I loved him beyond words, he was my Hero! We spoke every single day. I am still in shock he is not here, that must seem or sound crazy to people. I too have a dysfunctional sister who was not close with my parents since she got married very young, has children and almost detached herself from our family when she got married – which also made this loss of my parents awful beyond words…
      I read books, went to classes, researched about losing parents, and although I am fine on the outside,,, although my heart has been taken out. I also lost my mother who was best friend and whole world in 2006.Theres so much more.. just can’t write this on a post…:( Randi

  148. I’m interested in knowing how others have handled the emotions.. My father passed away on December 28, 2013 and was found on the 29th..

    I’m only 21, I shouldn’t have to bury my dad yet… I turned 21 on November 26th… He died almost a month after my birthday… What a great way to remember the new year…

    My dad and I were very close. He wasn’t just my daddy, he was my best friend, my idol, my guardian, my support system, my life line. He’s the reason that I’ve stayed alive over the years.. And now he’s gone. I felt him go… It was like my heart died..

    I haven’t found anyone to talk to who has lost a parent and had such a connection to them like I did with my daddy..

    I feel so lost… Everyone around me seems to have already moved on and I’m here trying not to break down at every little thing..

    RIP James

    I love and miss you daddy..

    1. Christina, I am so very sorry for your loss, I know that empty, heart breaking feeling all to well. My dad passed away in Feb. 23, 2013. It’s hard to explain how I am dealing with my dad’s death, because each day is something new. Sometimes I can deal with it, sometimes I don’t want to deal with or accept it. It is so important to talk to somebody though, somebody that can feel the kind of grief you are going through. Talking helps a lot, especially when the person can relate to how you are feeling. You can email me anytime if you want, my email is: jennyharms80@yahoo.com. We all need somebody to talk to. Good luck, Hun.

    2. I understand what you are feeling my dad pasted in march 2013 and I am still a mess im on meds to help me cope. I also see a psychiatrist because I was suicidal. He was more than my dad he is my partner my best friend, were like to peas in a pod. I feel I dont know how to exist in a world where he doesn’t. I feel emotionally damaged I love him more than life itself or anyone in this world. And when you say when he died you died I get that I feel dead inside as well if you ever want to talk please email anytime thats goes for anyone kellie.harris07@gmail.com we can help each other get through this

  149. Hi, thanks for putting your experience down in writing. I lost my Dad Xmas Day 2013 only 4 weeks ago, I’m finding even day to day jobs hard to cope with, even my work I just don’t even feel like being there, but I am. Everything I do or say or see reminds me of Dad. I really like what you have said about how you have delt with you grief, I’ll try this. My Mum passed away in 2006 and I remember crying continually. But it seem worse with losing a Dad too cause he was both parents to me. I’m 52 and I say to myself well you’ve know him for 52 years of course you will be sad. Anyhow thanks again for making me feel that I’m not the only one that feels sad. Regards Sandra

  150. I lost my Dad almost 3 months ago and I miss Him so very much. I know everyone says it’s going to get easier and the first year is the hardest. I guess the hardest part is knowing how to exist without Him. He was 83 yrs old and had heath issues all His life, but He was always the strong one and gave us the strength. He had a sharp mind right to the very end and He always had great life stories to share. He always prayed for us, first thing in morning and at the end of everyday. This past Christmas was the hardest, we did everything like normal as if He was still there, and I made a special center piece with a candle for Dad to light every year for Him at the table. I believe we should allow our feelings to come out, so if I feel like crying, I do, and then I share a story about Dad that makes me laugh or smile. My Dad always gave us these little grins and his eyes even smiled, those are the things that make me feel good inside and make it a little easier.

    I appreciate reading every ones story.

  151. It has been a little over 6 months since my Dad passed away from complications due to his Mantel Cell Lymphoma Cancer, June, 7th 2013, almost exactly 3 months after his mother, my Grandmother passed away. Losing two of the closest people in my life marks the most difficult times I have had to experience at the age of 23. Grandma’s passing was shocking to our family as she was the matriarch of our family, but Dad was there for comfort, encouragement and advise as he always was.

    Dad’s passing took me into such a different feeling of shock and disbelief. My sister and I had to see the first man we have ever loved, our best friend, mentor, die right in front of our eyes. We saw him take his last breath, we heard the flat line on the machine,pleading for him to come back, how this was not real, the man laying in that hospital bed was not DAD. DAD would not leave us!

    For months I punished myself, blaming myself for not coming to his bedside sooner, had I been there, a different outcome, his life would have been saved. I could have spoke to him one last time, told him I loved him one last time while he was in his conscious mind instead of in the comatose state he passed away in.

    I would listen to advice from friends, family, my husband-to-be (at the time, we got married in Oct 2013) but nothing was working, what I thought that worked was trying to forget, going back to the life waiting for me, work, wedding planning, buying and selling a house, all that I now see where distractions. HUGE DISTRACTIONS! Our wedding day was for me more anxiety ridden not because I was getting married, but because I knew Dad physically was not going to be there, he was not going to be giving me away, we where not going to have our father-daughter dance, and he wasn’t going to embarrass me and my husband with stories during his speech. However, my Uncle, my Dad’s brother stood in his place, and many things commemorated his memory, all again huge distractions, because now, I have pictures of one of the biggest events of my life, with out Dad. I realize, I know I am not the only one, and my sister too will endure the same pain on her Wedding Day, but its these overwhelming reminders that have reared its ugly head, that Dad should still be here.

    I like you feel the most off an on emotions when I commute home or into work, such a bore with the stop go, I would always call Dad and check in, see what he was up to or just hear him babble, or him listen to me about how terrible traffic was today since he and I spent lots of time commuting together in my teen years between getting to school, soccer practices, softball games etc. After all, he taught me the essence of road rage, and how to drive.

    Reading your blog, and others opens up a sense of relief knowing that I am not as crazy as I think I am to be having such feelings, and emotions. Thank you for your initial blog, blessings to you and all of our beloved Dad’s may they rest in peace and continue to look over us, and show us they are never to far way.

    Always,

    Lillian

  152. on the 17th it’ll be the second Dad’s birthday that he has not been here. I
    miss him even more than I did the first. I go for a walk everyday as I did with my Dad and I can feel him. Putting his arm through mine or around my shoulder; telling me he believes in me; loves me; this too shall I’m strong. After 2 years I realize his love and support is what has gotten me through.

    1. Reading your post just made me cry I have had a rough couple of weeks and now I feel I need my dad more than ever now because I know he was the only person who truly unconditionally loves me for me. He know me my heart soul and spirit . We are connected and i have no one else.and its lonely and my heart and soul are broken

      Kellie

  153. I dont know how any of you feel. I too haave lost my father, only two weeks ago. But being just 13, I cannot say it is any harder for me. You all knew him better, and may you all hold those extra memories i didnt get to have.

    1. May God give you strength, Sarah. It must be the most difficult thing in the world for you. Give yourself the time you need to grieve. And make sure you talk to people you love about how you feel. That has made a tremendous difference to me.

      1. Hi sarah,
        I think you are very brave girl to speak on this blog i would have never been able to share my feelings like this when I was your age. I know the pain and anger you must feel and maybe even a little cheated. Im 31 and I feel cheated hurt, and my heart is broken. So I can’t imagine how you feel, and I am so sorry to know you are hurting, we all are going through it. He is my world we have been two peas in a pod since I was a baby, so I get it. I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

        Kellie

      2. Kellie, I hope you don’t mind that I’ve removed your email address. Since Sarah is a minor, I think it’s best and safest that she either speaks to people she knows personally or writes generally in public forums such as this. I am certain that you will understand.

  154. I lost my dad at the age of 53 on February 17, 2014. He suffered a massive stroke on February 9, 2014. No one sympathizes unless they have been through it. Some people expect me to be my old self but im not and doubt I will ever be. I miss him so much, my heart hurts. I watched him lay in ICU for 9 days. As he entered his final hours, I cried out to God “please leave my daddy”…but who am I to fight God’s will. My daddy was a great man. He had a heart of gold. He had over 700 hundred people attend his service. As for the pain, it has not gotten better…infact, its worse. I just replay everything in my mind over and over. A part of me died on 2/17/14 @1:35 am.

    1. My sincere condolences, Jamey. I feel you. It does get better but you need to give it time and you need to allow yourself to grieve. It’s been almost three years now for me since I lost my Baba and every now and then I still break out crying. Just yesterday I can’t remember what triggered me to suddenly cry alone at home and say over and over, “I want my Baba!” just like a little girl. When I’m able to distance myself from it I find it so strange that we still have that little girl in us who just wants that daddy who was always a daddy to us even in their old age. We must be the most fortunate people in the world to have had daddies with us into our middle age and to continue to feel like little girls somewhere inside for as long as we had them and beyond. And that does help: to realize how very very fortunate we are and to try to be as great a parent to our own children as ours were/are to us.

    2. I also thought that with time it would get better ,but it hasn’t . My mother and I have figured out that the grieving is like a cycle. You get better and think it’s okay but then it hits you like a stab in the heart again for whatever reason. But then it fades again. Then you feel better then it comes back. The thing is that with each cycle of grief the pain is a little less or I it is more intense the recovery days last longer. Only praying,even angry praying and bein grateful for what I have now and had when my dad was here has helped. I have good days with some really bad
      Moments, fortunately those bad moments are becoming less. I replay it in my mind too,when I feel the worst. At the best moments,I tell my dad I love him and I miss him,but we are okay. And I still thank God for giving me my dad. It’s will be 3 months for me on March 27. I also realized only people that have lost a parent understand how painful it is, some many people are so ignorant but I try to let it go because hey have no idea how much it hurts and unfortunately we will all experience it one day. Just try to be grateful in everything and keep crying don’t hold back.

      1. Thank you for your comment it will be a yr for me tomorrow ive been having panic attacks all month. I feel so heavy and heartbroken. My dad is my favorite person I love him more than life itself. This has really hurt me to my core and I dont know what to do. All I can do is cry because my dad is supposed to be here. I want him to come back to me I need him, he was all I had.

    3. Hi Jamey, I just found this site and read your words. My father died in 2008. He was my best friend, my whole world, I miss him terribly. Half of me died June 16,2008. It feels as though it was just yesterday and I just can’t believe it has been 6 years. There are no words for me to describe this pain. Just wanted to reply to you.. especially when you said “A part of me died” since I can relate to that 100%.
      Randi

  155. I lost my father at the age nine. I am fifteen now and I still somehow think about him from random things in my life. Someone was playing their guitar and I thought back to my dad always playing his and how I’d always say, “Stop! It’s too loud!” But now I wish to hear him play again. I wish to hear his footsteps in he house, to talk with him, for him to draw another portrait of me, and the list goes on. I wish he was still here to be my strength and help me. I have grown to be pessimistic through the years and I don’t get along with my mom. I just think hard and say, “He isn’t here anymore…” It still gets to me, that he isn’t able to praise me or scold me anymore. Memories are dim because I was so young, but I always remember his smile and his laugh. My sister is the maybe the only reason why I have a smile right now. If I didn’t have her, I wouldn’t be able to smile, laugh, and enjoy life. But I still find it hard to live. I wake up and ask myself, how do I keep going? I don’t know how to deal with life, but I haven’t talked to someone yet. I feel like I don’t know how to live anymore, for my father was the light in my life, but now I had matured way to quickly. I matured at the age of ten and I started acting different from my younger self. I didn’t understand the problem at hand when my father was sick, but a nurse told me he was going to sleep for long while, and not open his eyes. I finally understood that my father wasn’t going to get better. I also remember seeing his limp body on the hospital bed and knowing his eyes would’t open ever again. I don’t remember crying at his funeral, and that pains me. I was embarrassed about crying in front of grown ups that I didn’t. I want this pain to end, but it never will go away, will it?

    1. It will go away, Miranda. All you need is enough patience to wait it out. You might not like hearing this but a lot of what you are going through is what we all went through as teenagers. It’s generally a hard time for all of us. All the emotions you describe and all the thoughts are ones I’m sure most of us can relate to from when we were your age. It will be just that little extra bit more difficult for you because you are also mourning your father. You WILL pull through this, Miranda. Just have patience and if you can find someone to speak to about your feelings that would be even better. It really does help. Keep in touch with us and be sure to tell us how you’re doing. xxx

  156. Hello – reading your blog hit home because I just lost my father 3 months ago and I miss him all the time. He was also my best friend. Whether it was good news, or bad news or nothing important he was the FIRST person I would call. If I needed advice he was again always the first. It’s the little things that I remember and miss. I call my father Baba as well so I always think about me just yelling out baba and he would come running. He was my comfort zone, he made me feel safe. I’m lucky in of ways, I have a phenomenal husband who has stood by my side through every stage, who is my safety zone and I don’t know what I would do without him. Reading your blog hit home because it is so important to openly talk about it. Just talking to my husband about my emotions truly helps me through what is probably the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Thank you for your blog, it just goes to show that humans all go through emotions, and transitions in life and when you talk outloud you remind yourself that it is natural and that so many people go through these same feelings and emotions and they survive it and come out stronger than ever before internally. There is some element of peace brought by that thought. We humans experience so much in life and although we all may live different lives, we all share in similar emotions and we are never alone. Thank you again.

  157. I posted a few months ago but was very vague. I’m approaching the 6 month mark & my grief has definitely worsened. I guess, initially, I was in denial. It’s more “realistic” now. I cannot bear to see photos & have all things “dad” kept in my closet. I wonder when I’ll be strong enough to face them. My father was just 52 years old. I, 32. Liver failure was his demise. He was an alcoholic, yet a wonderful father. I understand he had a disease he could not overcome. My sisters and I spent one week with him in the hospital before he slipped into a coma/ventilator. We ultimately had to make the decision to remove him from life support. I find myself constantly replaying our last conversations in my head. I have visited a therapist and am taking anti-depressants. Maybe it’s the placebo effect but I can’t imagine how much worse things would be if I didn’t go that route. Father’s Day (U.S.) is approaching and the thought makes me want to roll up in a ball and cry… I have yet to experience a Father’s Day, Birthday (his) without him on earth. I pray daily, God, please send him to me. I have had a couple visits, yet I need more. God willing, I will be an old lady when I finally get to be with him. Many, many years from now… I pray for strength, everyday, to endure the grief in the meantime….

    1. Hi Monica

      Im going through the same thing you are and my yr mark just passed. Im still on meds and I still see my psychiatrist. I can’t even look at pictures or anything so I understand what you are going through. Everything you feel I feel everyday , I do appreciate your post because I already feel so alone in this world so its comforting to know someone knows how I feel thank you, thank all of you this blog has help to save me.

  158. Hi, I wanted to comment on your blog because I have to say your post sounds so identical to my experience made me think I wrote it… The stages of pain.. And feeling like it eases a bit then comes back stronger than ever.. And the dreams I have all those dreams except the grave one. I also lost my dad and just last year he was only 58… And I was 24.. Hardest thing in the world because he was the most important person in this world to me.. Like you said the first person to talk to about everything… And he was always so strong and supportive..having to see him battle his liver cancer and watch him slowly get weaker and weaker by the day was pure torture. I can’t even think about it yet it hurts too much I’m in denial… I don’t think it’ll ever feel better.. And I miss him a lot. I wish u the same in getting better because I know exactly how you fewl

  159. Thank you for sharing x I lost my Dad six months ago tomorrow and was starting to think I was going crazy as I’ve cried as much today as I did in the weeks after he died! I thought it was getting better but this six month anniversary has just hit me from no where (I don’t think I even registered the 4 or 5 month anniversary!) so glad to know it’s not just me, this is so hard and your right, I never guessed it would be this difficult, it always looks like other people cope so well!

  160. This blog has helped me in the way to realize that I’m not alone in this world. My daddy passed away on February 5th of heart attack. He drove off to work and never came back. It’s been three months now and I think I’m devastated. Sometimes i don’t know what to or what to say or who to talk to. All my ”friends” disappeared and the people around me are trying to avoid me. I can tell you that I’ve always been there for them, and now when I need a crying shoulder there’s nobody there. That’s what hurts me the most in this really difficult situation. My mum is a problem too, because she suffers from depression. He was the world for her and I don’t know what to do with her. She lives alone and I have my own family to look after and go to work. Now she expects me to be there for her at any moment… I think I’m in a vicious circle. What sholud I do?

  161. I arrived here after searching for a supportive turn of phrase or something to say to myself when it all seems unbearable. I lost my daddy at 67 (I’m 40) so suddenly last month that it feels like the wind has been knocked out of me. I got so sick the day following that I was winded just going to the other side of the house. Maybe dad knew if I was sick I could be still and grieve without having to run errands etc. Thankfully my brother took on this role so I didn’t have to. Its especially hard being a “daddy’s girl” we were the best of friends as well as father and daughter. I feel like telling everyone I meet “My dad died and I’m suffering here!”
    It makes me the saddest knowing I’ll never get another big bear hug from him and hear his “love you” every time we parted. I’m kicking myself for not getting him tested for sleep apnea earlier- we could have prolonged the life of his worn out ol heart.
    Like others I’ve watched too many movies I guess and am looking for a sign that he’s ok. I guess I’m waiting for a stag to cross my path and give me a wink? It sounds nuts but I’m so close to the funny farm anyway. I purposely get myself upset sometimes just cause I need to feel sad. I look at pictures, listen to his fave tunes or search out video hoping to get a glimpse of him in the background playing with my daughter. Why oh why isn’t he in more pics and videos???? No regrets except time I would’ve loved to spend with him. We both know we loved each other very much and wanted to see each other as much as we could. One thing I’m glad of is that I didn’t do the “viewing” part…just want to remember him warm and sweet and alive.

  162. Just came across this post, as I searched for someone or something to help me ease my loss, but I know deep down nothing will…..I’m 45, I have typed in “loss of father” losing dad” etc…. into the internet to try and find I don’t know…. answers? help?
    I was the typical “Daddy’s girl” he was my hero in childhood, I watched him build a house, mend things, fix things and basically be the centre of the universe whenever there were problems even until I was adult and married I would visit him and he always had the right answer to everything.
    He walked me down the isle and with a tear handed me over to my husband but I never really stopped being his little girl.
    Everything came tumbling down in February 2014, he was unwell and we took him to the hospital, I could tell he was suffering but he tried to hide it from us…as if he knew it was his time.
    He had had a stroke, when he got in my car on the way to hospital he slid to the side….he said he was ok and I put the arm-rest of the car down for him to lean on.
    When we got to hospital they didn’t know what was wrong and gave him antibiotics but I think …. he gradually got worse and became unresponsive until he was moved to ITU we spent 1 week at his side talking to him and playing him his favourite music to try and bring him round, he was 71 and still a big healthy man.
    On his last day I spoke to him in his ear and told him I loved him, he opened his eyes slightly to look at me and I knew he heard me. He passed away that night at 2.30pm after we left the hospital. I felt guilty that he passed when he was on his own but now I think he was waiting till we left and didn’t want us to be upset? I don’t know? I really don’t know what to think and I have been really low since he left – its as if there is a big hole that cant be filled…..I think of him all the time and just really need to know – where he went – did he go somewhere? – I miss him and wish I could be with him – xxx

    1. Hi Poll x I just felt I needed to reply to you on one point in particular. My Dad passed away in November last year, he had been in hospital for a couple of weeks but had caught pneumonia about a week and a half after he went in and he went downhill very quickly. He died on a Thursday and I visited him as normal in the afternoon. He told me to leave half an hour before the end of visiting time as he said I must be hungry and didn’t need to hang around. As I left he made a big point of holding my face and telling me he loved me. I then started trying to organise his little hospital table before I left but he shooed me away and wouldn’t say anything else. I swear he knew he was going and didn’t want me to be there, I think our Dads always try to protect us! In my case the hospital called me in the middle of the night to go back as he wasn’t responding to treatment and becoming unresponsive. I went in and sat with him until he died 5 hours later, but do you know what, when I got there I tried holding his hand but he kept knocking it away and got quite agitated so I just sat there quietly and didn’t hold his hand until literally the last moments. I honestly think they do know and do not want to put their precious little daughters through it. It’s hard but I think you’re right, your dad did wait till you were gone, and I actually feel bad sometimes that I didn’t allow my dad that same choice. I think we will always miss our Dads and always wonder what we could have done differently, but the important thing is that they knew we loved them and we know they loved us xxx

  163. Thank you for this Blog post. We just made the decision to put my 86 year old father in Hospice. He fell last year and has never really recovered. Before the fall he was a young 85 year old who still worked helping foster children like himself. I am finding that I am crying more and more as he gets worse and worse. I keep trying to tell myself to stay present. He is still here after all so stop morning him before he is gone. That helps but I still morn the Father he was. The vibrant active loving supportive friend that he always was to me. I have found that I am also angry at everyone it seems. My sister, who can’t find time to pick up the phone to check on him, My stepmother who decided that she did not want to come to my house for Thanksgiving because my mom would be there. (my parents have been divorced for 46 years) And now I wont have another Thanksgiving with him. My brother who is never there. My stepfather who is a jerk and says things like your loyalty is misplaced. Your father was never there for you. Piece of shi$ My father was a better man than he could ever be and he never raised his hand to us or spoke to us like we were dirt. And I am am mad at myself for having these hateful feelings. I know that they are msiplaced but I cant help but be angry. I know that I should be praying for these people. That I should be looking inward and not outside myself but I feel so angry and hurt.

  164. Hello, just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. My dad passed away almost 2 months ago, and everyday it hurts. I’m 22, unmarried and I feel like I have missed so much with him. My dad was 49. He has 5 children. My 27 year old sister, my 25 year old brother, me and my twin brother, and my 7 year old brother. I feel so cheated, and yet my little brother only had 7 years. We all miss him so much. My heart feels like a rock, so heavy, and part of my feels like it will never be as light as it was again. But I just wanted to say thank you, because I try and seem strong- but really it just hurts.

  165. I am 19 years old. I lost my father 4 days back. I am still not able to accept the fact that he is actually gone.

  166. Hii your message is very helpful I lost my father almost 3 years a go I was 12 years old I’m turning 15 in september my “daddy” died the day just after my birthday. He died of kidney disease but he was a diabetic and that caused his kidneys to fail :( I do miss him a lot and I’m not the kind of person who talks about my feelings. My mom even sent me 2 a psychiatrist to help me. I know my dad is in a better place were he can walk without a artificial leg and sE properly again but there is always the one part of mE that will never be the same and I’m the only one of my friends that los a parent so even if they try to help me with my problem the won’t really know what its like at lest my friends stand by me thru thick and thin (:

  167. I lost my dad last year, 9th July. He was 86 and died of prostate cancer. I am 51. Fathers Day today has been hard, my sisters and I visited him every Fathers Day and also it would have been his birthday 17th June, two days time. We would all go out for dinner. My parents divorced when I was 8, that was a very difficult time growing up without my dad at home. We still saw him regularly but wasnt the same. My sisters and i now have our own children and my Dad was a very special grandad. I hope in the years to come the pain of losing my dad will get easier, but right now it is unbearable. With the first anniversary coming up next month, which has come round so fast, i know it will be a very emotional time. I miss my dad terribly.

  168. I lost my grandmother, who raised me, 19 years ago when I was 19, and at 38 my heart still aches for just one more minute with her. I miss her like it only happened yesterday, I don’t believe I will ever come to terms with it.

  169. I’m 26, my dad passed away yesterday suddenly because of a heart attack. After the nightmare of the funeral and burial, I thought I’d be exhausted. But I’m lying in bed with my little sister and we can’t stop crying. I feel like there’s something huge and hollow, gaping wide in me which will swallow me up. God bless his soul, he was the best father in the world, but I feel like I didn’t love and appreciate him enough. I wish desperately for a second chance, but it’s impossible. He was a miracle of a man and I feel like this is a wound I’ll carry inside forever. All his things are here, where did my Papa go?

  170. I’m 22 and lost my Dad 18 months ago. He died out the blue (whilst walking out of work) of heart failure. He was my absolute world, hero, best friend, father, teacher and supporter. My heart still physically aches, that pain still hasn’t eased. My life feels very pointless without him but I strive on for my mother. I tried bereavement counciling about 6 months who but felt no relief or any better from discussing my pain with a total stranger who was in her 50s. I feel very alone and as much as I have a very supportive family and group of friends around me, nobody understands the pain I feel. I mean, he’s been there every day of my life until the evening he died; and now he’s gone. God willing, the pain eases. As up to now, it hasn’t. :(

    1. It’s been two years since my father died. I was almost 60. The hole in my life is still there and still painful. But also, there is the incredible sense of gratitude for having had the blessing of life with my father. I work among young people, so many of them do not know their fathers, or have worthless fathers who do not care for them. Whenever I think of my father the pain in my heart and the tears still come but I can also smile through them.
      I stand with you in your pain Sophie. No-one can feel it for you but I can stand at your side. You have been so blessed to have had a father who can leave such a hole in your life.

  171. Thank you for creating this blog. I hope it will help a bit for consoling those who have lost their beloved fathers and relatives. I am 49 and I lost my father 9 months ago. I can’t stop thinking of him with sorrow and hope that I will see him again. I can’t believe yet that he is gone forever. I have been feeling depressed all those months and don’t hope that I will recover from this loss. Although he has suffered from heart stroke and advanced stage of heart insufficiency, I could not imagine that he would die so early in his life. He was 75. In fact it is always early for somebody to die although it is inevitable. I started taking antidepressants before my father’s death due to another psychological problem and I am taking them still but don’t think they help much. The problem is that I am not too young to lose a parent but I am at this “difficult age for women” pre-menopause that is another reason for my depression and blue mood for most of the day and especially at night. Then is the hardest time when I can’t go to bed early and start thinking over and over about that day when I lost my father. Then I start crying and feel so lonely in my tears. What makes me suffer more is that I have never dreamed my father since his death, sometimes I dream that he is somewhere around and I know he is there but I don’t see his appearance.
    I know that I have to be strong and continue living for my family, my husband and two lovely children, my mother, my sister and my niece, but it is so difficult not to feel any sorrow on a daily basis. My father was my very close friend, I loved him with all my heart and now I can’t stop my tears for him.
    Let him rest in peace! I do really hope he is with God and doesn’t suffer any more!
    Thank you all who shared their feelings here and tried to help each other overcome this tragedy.

  172. My dad died 2 days ago suddenly at his home. I made the mistake of seeing him where he collapsed and I am eaten up with pain. Im 42 and a daddy’s girl. .. never felt pain like this before and feel like it will never ease. It helps to read others experiences I think. I am lost. Xx

  173. I have just lost my father on 10th May 2014 7:00pm.The saddest part is that I live oversea and I could not even see his face.This was the last thing in my mind.My abbu was in his 50s and was not even sick.It was all of a sudden.I still cant accept that he is no more.It rips my heart apart to even say those words.I love him dearly,I mean every child love their parents unconditionally no matter what.This loss has affected me tremendously.I cant focus on my health,my work,interest nothing.The only thing I can think of is how my abbu is.Where is he and how is he kept,is he seeing me?I had to leave my mom and younger brother behind and come back to Australia.Now I am always so terrified to get an oversea call.I worry about my mom and brother to the extent that I cant focus on anything.When I travel alone I think of how is it possible that my father just left, I mean he was absolutely ok,he talked with me just 30min before passing away.He did not even tell me that he was feeling sick.I mean we were suppose to go on a vacation this october and we made so many plans.Life just seems worthless to me all I want to see is my abbu.Atleast you have seen ur baba in your dreams but I havent seen my abbu at all.What does that mean??Is he unhappy??Just wish someone could reassure me that he is happy and sleeping peacefully.

    Its just so unfair Im 29yrs old recently married and I dont even have kids yet how can I loose my abbu?I know age is not a factor,people can die in any phase of life,my grandparents are still alive then why my abbu??This just seems like a nightmare.Doing everything possible to go forward but not being able to.

  174. I remember the like it just happened, what I was wearing, what I was doing & that dreaded phone call…But after the call it’s like my mind, heart & feelings just shut down!
    My Daddy went hunting that morning (which he loved) & never came home…that is what bothers me the most, that he was alone & that I didn’t get to say I Love You just one more time or that I didn’t get to say good bye…I talked to him everyday & now I just feel lost!!! I just don’t know how to manage everyday life, he was my rock, my best friend
    My heart is broke in to a trillion pieces…it’s been 7 months but the pain is just getting worse…

  175. Many people have similar scenarios to mine. I’m hoping my words offer some comfort…I was extremely close and proud of my father. He was 48 years old when he had me so although he passed away at the age of 81 May 22, 2013, it was truly unexpected and left me at 34 spinning and heartbroken..that’s way too young to lose a father. He was very active, still helping my mom out around the farm, and fixing various things that went down. He was brilliant – a retired teacher, physicist, historian and humanitarian with a charming British accent – cute as a button haha. I’ve never met anyone like him and only hope that my unborn child somehow inherits his personality as a way to honour his existence…

    It has been a year and almost 3 months and I do feel a lot better. Do I miss him? Yes, that’s why I’m on this blog at this very moment. I’m actually visiting my mom and the house still feels so incredibly wrong without his presence. But you know, I haven’t cried in quite some time. My thoughts of him make me smile..he was funny and charming so that’s what flashes across my eyes..not the idea that his final breath was on the front porch – alone with no one around to help him if he needed it. The guilt I had for numerous reasons was paramount after his death. I blamed myself for not pushing him to see a doctor about monitoring for blood clots that we knew he had. He always listened to me..I could have made a difference. Over time I stopped blaming myself though. I feel that I’ve overcome larger huddles than many others in that I’m not religious. There’s comfort in thinking that a loved one is looking down on you. It helps a lot in moving forward..or believing that you’ll reconnect with a loved one when you die. I didn’t have that comfort. I grieved heavily, I sought counselling and that’s how I survived. It’s much healthier to let it all out – don’t bottle it in and one day, you’ll realize that you’ve stopped obsessing and the pain is a little easier to manage.

  176. hi, thankyou so much for this blog….today marks my daddy’s 6 month. i realise his gone but somewhere deep inside i still wish i could see him one more time. feel those loveing arms hugging me. i also have dreams about him being alive in his grave….or just being alive and his back home. what hurts me the most is my father was missed diagnosed and that led to an awfull operation full of mistakes where his arteries were torn which led to an huge amount of blood loss that caused his death. i miss im so much. my life will never be the same agian.

  177. My heart goes out to everyone !! I’m currently going through my grandfather who raised/adopted me since birth im 24 years old , who is my dad he is 68 who I call Papa I’m named after him by my biological mother my name is Victoria and his is Victor and we have always been close and i has always been a daddy’s girl. We are in the hospital right now he has stage three cancer he has been through radiation and chemo. I feel like he has given up on life he just looks confused and stares blankly into space. His feeding tube brought him here infection and dehydration also some confusion with some constipation. He sleeps all the time he has no motivation anymore he is pushing everyone away . Its not normal for him he used to shower twice a day use to stand for long periods of time and walk by himself with no assistant now he sleeps all the time he doesn’t have a appetite anymore and i believe he thinks he is dying just by the answers he gives “are you ready to be back home or get out of here ” he responds with ” I don’t know or I don’t think I’m leaving” worse is he is telling my grandma/mom who is his wife “Audrey you will be okay you will move on” this doesn’t seem like normal behavior to me he has changed dramatically in 1 week and going down hill fast I just really hope this is a phase or that he will come back around and it hurts with even thinking about losing him. My grandma/mom (same person) beat stage three colon cancer and then around the time we found out papa had his cancer. I love them both very much and i can not even bear the thought of losing either one of them .

    1. Hang in there Victoria…cancer is a terrible disease that rids people of their will to live due to the toll it takes. The one thing you can guarantee is being there for him – by his side, regardless of whether he tries to push you away or not (which he’s doing to protect you). He’s trying to prepare everyone for what he believes is coming next. Know that he loves you and is very appreciative of anything you do for him each day.

      Depending on your viewpoints, or of that of the doctors, your family, etc. there has been quite a lot of success with treating cancer alternatively…you may find that consulting an alternative based doctor can at the minimum, provide your grandfather with something that minimizes discomfort and alleviates depression. I’ve seen quite literally ‘miracles’ performed in treating cancer this way and since witnessing this, my viewpoint is to combine both worlds together for the ultimate treatment regime. I realize though that this doesn’t always make ‘logical’ sense (I’ll call it) to people so I’m simply offering this as helpful ‘food for thought’. I wish you and your family all the best and hope that he pulls through :).

  178. I lost my dad three weeks ago to pulmonary fibrosis…..another horrible disease. The first week and a half were horrible, I couldn’t eat or sleep, I missed him so much. Last week was okay, I forced myself to put his death out of my mind, because I couldn’t stop crying when I thought of him and never seeing him again. I stayed busy with work and with my kids (sending two off to college and just spending time with my youngest).

    Today I went to his grave site with my Mother, brother and sister. All the hurt has opened up again. I tried to stay strong at the site, but now I am crying uncontrollably. I want to go back alone and just sit with him and “be”.

    I know it will somehow get easier, but when? Perhaps I just need to have a good cry every once in a while and sob, while other times just putting his death out of my mind? The latter seems so mean to him somehow. I don’t deny it happened, its just so god awful to remember that I don’t want to.

    Btw, my dad was only 75 when he passed. I am 48. Old enough to have a lot of wonderful memories, but feel too young to have lost such a wonderful man at only 75.

    1. Beth, I lost my father on July 1st, 2013. He was 73 and I am 48. I cried often for many months and then it lessened. Now many days can go by without crying, but occasionally it can feel fresh all over again. When I am not thinking of him and living my life, I know he would be okay with that so I don’t let it make me feel guilty. I do mention stories about him to various people often and that feels like keeping his memory alive. I also do this little thing in my journal each morning—I write his hometown weather and mine with a heart next to it because he was ALWAYS telling me the weather there AND mine—ha! (We lived cross country from each other).
      It also helps me when I look around and realize almost everyone you meet has lost someone close to them and had to keep living on…We can have a compassion for other daughters who have lost their fathers in a way would could not have before. I hope this helps. So sorry for your loss…

  179. It has been ten months since my father died, two days shy of his 91st birthday. I thought I was getting better after his celebration of life party in July, but now I know that is not true. I am sadder than ever. I have a sixteen year old and two dogs that need me. I love them and know that I have to be here for them, but would really like to just leave this world to be with my father again….but I can’t…it is not my time and that is very frustrating. I know my Dad would be angry with me for grieving for him like this. He’d want me to be happy and to go on, but I am so, so very sad. The pain is overwhelming. I want to call him, to talk with him, to tell him that I love him and appreciate all that he did for me and for my daughter.

    I want to rewind time and help him have a better life. He deserved so much better than he got from this world and the crummy people in it. All of his life, he sacrificed for other people and for his country. Three years in World War II on an attack transport ship, the USS Harry Lee. He was in every major campaign and saw so much…He deserved better.

    Twenty three years of marriage to a vain, selfish narcissist who cheated on him. He deserved better than my mother. She broke his heart and I don’t think he ever fully recovered.

    He scrimped and saved and deprived himself of brand name foods, repaired old shoes and drove an old, crappy car so he could leave his children financially secure and for what?

    He gave 22 1/2 gallons of O-Negative blood! Imagine how many lives he saved. He did volunteer work well into his 80s. He sent money to so many charities, then would buy the crappiest cut of meat for himself.

    Dad was not a happy man. He was disgusted with people and their lack of ethics, morals and kindness. I am turning into him. I too am disgusted with people. I have started sending money with increasing frequency to animal shelters because they need it the most. Dad would want me to keep the money for myself, but I am my father’s daughter.

    My father deserved better, but now he’s gone and his chance for happiness is gone too. He comes to see me in my dreams like he promised, but lately he has been old and ill in my dreams and that makes me sad. In the beginning, he was younger and happy to be free of his old body. Those dreams made me happy.

    Although he was a wonderful father, I think that only myself and my brother, John, miss him. My two sisters were so happy to get the money instead. My brother and I were the only ones who called him every day and were willing to give up all financial inheritance to make sure he was cared for. But again, he cared more about us than about himself and so his spirit left his body so he would not have to spend his savings on a nursing home.

    Joseph Miceli deserved more. He deserved better treatment from women who took advantage of him. He deserved better from his employer who did not give him a raise for YEARS because he was in an engineering job without an engineering degree. It made my Dad feel bad, like he wasn’t good enough, but he kept on working hard til he retired. He deserved better from his daughters who, in his words, “Only call when they need something”.

    Why did the world treat this wonderful person in the way it did?

    I cry every day for my Dad. I pray that he is finally getting his reward for his suffering here on earth. I hope he is in heaven having a good time with Marilyn Monroe. He was as handsome as any movie star, or more so, but he never took advantage of women because of it. He was so fine, such a fine person.

    The world is a scary, cold, unfriendly place without my Dad. He was a perfect example of the greatest generation. I will never be the person that he was, but I know he was proud of me. This year, when I got my yearly raise at work, I didn’t even care because I could not share the news with my Dad. I am working for the company that screwed him so badly, but my victories are hollow without my Dad to share in them.

    I will never be the same. I will never be happy again. I suppose I should be grateful that I had a Dad like him to begin with, but instead, I feel robbed that he is gone.

  180. I lost my mom at 19 years old on march 15th 2014. Two months before I got married. At first I barely even cried and was just in denial. I didn’t believe she was really gone..she had battled multiple sclerosis for 35 years since before I was born. Although I lived with my dad since I was 2, I got to see my mom whenever I wanted and had a much better relationship with her than I did and still do with my dad. She told me she loved me every single day, my dad hasn’t told me he loves me since idk when. She was my absolute best friend and the only person (besides my husband) I could tell anything and everything to. It hasn’t really hit me too hard until the last few weeks. I have been crying really bad almost every day. I miss her more than anything and idk what to do about it. To make it worse for now me and my husband are living with his parents and his mom is always buying me stuff and trying to make me feel better when I’m sad and I just can’t let her in. I don’t want her to take the place of my mom and best friend. I feel like I am being very mean and closed to her but I can’t help it. We are moving out soon but idk if it’s mean that I won’t let her in I just can’t.

  181. This really sums it up. It is so bizarre how calm others seem to appear after such a loss and how calm I must appear to others. The truth is three weeks into losing my Fathef at 39 I am truly confused and devastated but I am just not willing to share that with anyone. This despair is just too personal and in a way I want to keep it to myself because it is between me and my Dad. Kind of our last shared secret.

  182. I lost my dad in April of this year. I was exremely close to him and he was what I had. I was thought I had accepted it after a few months of extreme sadness. But latley all I do is cry, I miss talking to him everyday and his loving caring way. I find not too many people are like that and boy did he make a difference in this world. I feel a complete mess these days, I cry on my way to work, put on a happy but empty hearted face then cry when I get home. I miss him dearly and wish the pain would go away.

  183. I lost my father a little over a month ago. He was 59 and I am 29. My mother and father retired in Europe and I have not seen them in a year. My father was my best friend when I was younger. With a dwindling relationship with my mother, I could not be to close with him the past couple of years and now that he is gone, I miss him soooooo much and regret I could not have just one last talk with him to let him know how much I love him.
    A few days before he passed away, he wrote to me on Skype. I did not catch him and now I feel sooo much regret that I wasn’t able to have that one last conversation with him. Just one more time to say I love you.
    The day he died was the day my wife and I were supposed to close on our first home. Life is funny like that I guess.
    Some days are easier than others and I choose to try and not show my emotion to friends and family, I don’t want to burden my wife with my sad emotions.

  184. I lost my father at age 4 to suicide (depression). I am almost 17 now and it is the weirdest feeling to wholeheartedly miss someone who I don’t have a single memory of. Reading all of your comments makes me realize how much I’ve missed out on over the years in terms of a father daughter relationship. Loosing my father is not something which any of my friends can comprehend and my family is not particularly open about his death (I only found out about the nature of my fathers suicide by searching through documents). I have gone through so many emotions from blaming myself for his death, to hating him for abandoning me, to feeling jealous of little girls enjoying life with their fathers, all the way to working myself to the bone just so that I can imagine he’s proud of me. Dealing with death is not easy but you do move on and after a long 13 years I think I’m getting to the point where I no longer question why everything happened the way it did and whether his death could have been prevented.

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