This blog post is not about me being morbid nor is it about me feeling sorry for myself. Over the past six months since my father died, I received a few comments on the two posts I made about my father’s passing. These were mainly comments from other women who experienced something similar and who were wondering how other women were dealing with it. More importantly, I noticed on my blog statistics page that almost every day people were using search engines with key words like “losing a father” and “daughter losing father” and thus getting referred to my blog.
Losing a parent is one of the most difficult things in the world and people want to know how to deal with it. It’s strange that I have seen family and friends lose parents but haven’t heard much from them about what it’s been like.
When my grandparents died, I knew it was hard for my father. He had a very strong connection to both of them. He’d talk about them and tell us his childhood memories of them. But I never saw him cry or exhibit pain over their loss. I assumed that because they were elderly when they died, losing them was just a part of growing older and that people had it in them to deal with that.
Two of my best friends lost parents as well. They both seemed very strong in dealing with it. I never heard anything from them about the difficulties they faced dealing with the loss. Again, the impression I got was that it was a normal phase of life that we go through and we’re built to deal with it.
I’m learning it’s not as easy as people make it seem to be. It doesn’t matter how old you or your parents are when they die, their passing is one of the most difficult things in the world to deal with. And it seems that it doesn’t matter what culture you come from, people tend to hold in their emotions while in front of others. People seem to think that they need to be strong for others. I know I’ve done this. I don’t want my own children to know I’m in pain over the loss of their grandfather. I don’t think they’ve seen me cry over his loss. If they are around and my father is brought up, I’ll put on a strong face, and even a smile, and talk about him lovingly. But then I may need to rush to the bathroom to let go of the tears in private.
So does it get any easier six months on? Not really. Not for me. I had a couple of good months where I felt the pain was easing. Most significantly, I stopped thinking of my father as often as the dead man lying on the hospital bed all covered in white. That phase was one of the most difficult. Perhaps one or two months after his death I started getting the more normal images of my father when I thought of him: my father lying on his bed in his bedroom telling me stories, my father sitting in his favorite lazy-boy chair watching TV, my father telling one of his dirty jokes and laughing his great belly laugh. Although the weeping hadn’t stopped, it became less frequent and less intense.
But it seems that I’m going through another phase of intensity again. It started a few weeks ago and it’s getting worse. Almost everything reminds me of my Baba. I think a lot in my head and somehow most of my thought processes end up leading me to my father even when they start out having nothing to do with him at all. And the minute the thought of him comes into my head that’s it. The intense weeping starts and I can’t help but call out, “Baba Baba Baba!” It’s worse in the mornings while I’m driving to work. But it can happen almost anytime. When I’m sad about something I remember my Baba because he’s the person I’d always go to for advice or consoling. When I’m happy about something I remember my Baba because he was always the first – and sometime only – person I really wanted to share my good news with. When I’m just normal I remember my Baba because it would have been nice to stop by his house for a few minutes on my way home to say hello or even to phone him up.
The dreams have been intense as well. I dream about him a lot. In all the dreams I can remember, he’s in the grave. Sometimes he’s awake in his grave and I feel relief that his death was just a big mix-up. It never really happened. Other times it’s as if he wants to tell me he’s all right. The most interesting dream I had was of visiting my father inside his grave. His grave was a large room. I went inside and there were young men wearing white cloth, somewhat similar to what pilgrim men wear in hajj, cleaning the grave. My father had been removed to a shelf above his spot in the grave so the spot could be cleaned. He was wrapped in a white blanket and part of his face was showing. He was resting peacefully. On another shelf in the same grave room was another man wrapped in white with part of his face showing, also resting peacefully. He looked like he was in his 40s. He had a close-shaven beard and his head didn’t have much hair. He was handsome. That man, I knew somehow, was the Prophet Muhammed peace be upon him. In the same dream but in another instance, my father was standing in his grave with his arms open for me. He had a huge smile on his face. He was happy and he wanted me to know that.
It must be important for our subconscious mind to convince itself that our loved ones are in a better place. This must be part of the healing process. I wake up from these dreams missing my father terribly but feeling happy for him. It does help to see him in my dreams.
I wish people shared more the things they go through when they experience happy and difficult times. I think that’s why I was such a big Oprah fan. Oprah and her guests broke down barriers by talking about feelings. By listening to what other women went through and being able to relate to it no matter how far away I was and how different my culture was made me feel normal. So many things we go through are just a normal part of this journey and sharing those things and having people share them with you helps you along the way.
Losing my father when I was at the ripe age of 42 was one of the most difficult things I’ve had to deal with. Being able to share with you all has made it just a tiny bit easier. I hope someone out there finds solace in relating to my experiences.
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Filed under: Just me Tagged: | adult orphans, daughter, daughter losing father, death, death of a parent, father, losing a father, losing a parent, loss, loss of a father, loss of a parent, parent
although i lost my father since i was 26 years old , that is from 18 years, i couldn’t forget him , i remember him on my daily basis…. i think it will be less intense in following years for you, but it will be worse when you have bad event or difficult situation, i always feels cold when i remember him dead …. alone , afraid, many unexplained feelings…. losing a parent will always be a difficult event that we will never pass it
I am going through exactly the same thing. I lost my father 2 1/2 years ago. I remember him when I am purposefully thinking about him and then there are those moments when I see or hear something that makes me remember him. The tribute to Glen Campbell at the Grammy Awards the other night is an example. My father loved Glen Campbell, and could remember him whistling to the songs when Glen Campbell sang. I went to bed crying myself to sleep that night. My biggest comfort is that he died in my mother’s arms and he was looking at her and she got to tell him she loved him the moment before he took his last breath. She is stronger today because of that. Today she turns 80!
Here’s some of what I wrote on my blog after I lost my mother. I’m sure you’ll relate to it:
“Loss terrifies us. It’s hard to imagine it no matter how much we try. It makes us feel vulnerable the minute we start thinking about it. We tend to think with the givens of the present, and loss just doesn’t seem to fit anywhere. It is as if it would bring an end to everything, like an edge to the familiar beyond which lies only darkness and nothingness.
But when loss actually hits you suddenly feel blank. Sometimes at a moment like this you lose your ability to act. It’s like falling down an abyss at uncontrollable speed. You see nothing around you and you have no idea where you are headed. You just know you’re falling, and your entire world appears to be shutting down. Everything crashes into nothingness.
The worst question I think any person can ask themselves in a moment like this is what now? What next? You don’t even have the tools that can help you think properly of any future. The concept of a future becomes so alien and scary.
But when the days go by the dark slowly begins to lift and you see some faint light that helps you understand your surroundings. You start coping with the new reality of this empty hole you feel in your chest. Everything that reminds you of what you lost makes the hole even bigger, and there’s no healing here. You just learn to live with it.”
dear nadia,
I was pleased to see u at yosry fodas program ,i am very sad to hear about ankle abbas iam trying to contact u ,plz. send me ur e.mail.
sally emara
Dear Sally,
I sent you a message to the email address you submitted with your comment. Please confirm receipt.
Nadia
Hi Nadia,
My father is terminally ill and will be placed on sedatives by hospice tomorrow. I am struggling. I am grieving. I am broken. I cant wrap my brain around the fact that I cant hear his voice anymore. The other day I was frantic just searching through old videos and voice mails trying to hold onto something from him. I came across an old photograph with his handwriting on the back. I t was profound for me.He had a stroke 2 year sago, and slowly we have lost him . So I have grieved all this time although he was alive. But the finality of it coming up is killing me. I will cry for him forever.
Thank you for your blog.
Today I revisited your blog and I know why! I was curious about how you were getting on since I last read your post about the headscarf!
this will remain an internal need and every individual finds his own way about it. But I can tell u this: if you really want to find your way to God you will do anything you need to get there, even if it meant reading while you’re not fond of it! If you feel that you don’t want to begin, then maybe you don’t want to begin yet? Just maybe? Maybe you don’t need to be dealing with too many issues at the same time…
And the reason I am curious is not because I know you, or because your decision would have mattered, but because I am genuinely interested in how you were getting on with your search. Out of passion about any God related matter, reading how other people think and analyse is a challenge that I often enjoy yet other times avoid…depending on my mental status
First let me send you my condolences for the loss of your father. I always used to say that we tend to take things for granted until we are slapped on the face to suddenly wake up.
Hence I understand your following post about how to find God.
Sadly, comments have been closed (I realise it’s a sensitive matter) however I had the urge to comment..
And I can only tell u a few things that you might find helpful:
1. We all feel content and happy with our routine practices thoughtlessly until something dazzles us and puts these practices to the test. It may be a conflict, a major event, death, divorce or any kind of trauma. It is only then that we strive for change, for another purpose or a way out. And that either brings us closer or further away from God, it all depends on our own human nature and how we grief or deal with things. Some people are liberated when they forget about anything and do as they please, others can only feel at peace when they do what they feel is sensible.
2. Nobody can tell you how to find your way to God (especially if you are not willing to read
3. God didn’t make anything difficult or not clear. In fact He always brought people from amongst us to teach and guide. And the books that you may not understand are not meant to torture us or make things difficult, it is rather meant to be a proof in itself that it is beyond the human capability. If God is a major major power beyond us, we can’t expect His message to be weak or slang or replaceable. He sent the message that would prove Him to us, and sent people along to guide us (messengers).
If a non Arabic speaker can go through the effort to learn and recite and understand the Quoran (and many do) then I can’t see why you or any average person would find it that difficult of a message.
As Maurice Bucaille described: he could not find any logical explanation to the Quoran, which he believes cannot have been written by a human being. Then maybe that is the whole point behind the sophistication…
4.when you decide you really want to search into this, take yourself easy. Try starting slowly from ‘is there a God?’ moving on to what that God may have planned for us. Remember by logic, if God is there He would want to tell people, all people, one correct message! He would not want to confuse people, or send contradicting messages or wrong information.
So if there is one God there must be one message!
Then faith in it’s simplest form is to believe in the existence of God and the purpose of this life and the afterlife. Once/if you reach that point you can then analyse different faiths to find out where that one right message is or has gone. You will be amazed about the resemblance between the basics of most faiths, And it will become clearer what to accept and what to decline. If you tgen find the right path, that you will be able to accept the most as your guide. With no more doubt because you will take it while you’re trusting thsat God wants the best for us and want to guide us not to restrict our freedom.
If you don’t like reading and have time on your hands, maybe collecting first hand information from specialised people about their faith would be a temporary alternative.
Good luck, and I’m sorry if I have invaded your space inspire of closing the commments door
My father was also died a few days from now, it was the most tragic moment that ever happen in my entire life and until now i still cant accept the fact that he’s actually gone but somehow i realized everything happens for a reason and i know he is in a better place right now. He is actually one of my big reason why i am pushing myself to work so hard so atleast i can also provide him something that he didn’t have before because of us ( his Family.. his Legacy.. ) because i know sometimes he put his family first above everything else and also i know how he and my mother work hard so they they can raised us as good as we are right now.. But the worst thing above all this is i never had the chance to see him for the very last time because i was working here Abroad. My company didn’t allowed me to go back in my hometown because of some bullsh*t reasons.
There’s no such Word that can defined how Great he is as a Father to us. I love him so much though i never had the chance to tell him how very important he is in my life. I will surely miss him in every single day, in every hour, in every minute and in every second of my life and i am so so so so Blessed to have him as my father and be one of his what he called ” Son”…..